Blue Belle

'I don't get it.'

'Mortay has to be doing something for Sally Lou. If the Ghost Van's down there, then they're all hooked in. The reason the cops can't catch freaks, they don't know them. They don't ask people who do. Wasn't for informants, the federales couldn't find a donkey in Tijuana. Sex-death freaks, they love vans. I don't know why, but they do. And they feed each other - put two of them together, you got more than twice as much evil as two people could do on their own. Ramon loves pain, Mortay deals death. I don't know what the third guy was into. It doesn't matter. The Hillside Strangler - it was two freaks. That Green River Killer? The one who's been murdering all those street girls out in Washington State for years?'

She nodded.

'I think the cops are making a mistake. Looking for one guy. It sounds like a team to me. Feels that way.'

Belle shuddered. I put my hand on her bare thigh. It was cold.

'People always think they know what to do,' I told her. 'Ever hear of chemical castration?'

'Arggh! It sounds disgusting.'

'They get a chronic sex offender. One of those guys who's never going to stop, okay? Then they make him take these injections. DepoProvera. Lowers the sex drive, so he won't be thinking about jumping on some little kid.'

'Does it work?'

'Who knows? What's the difference? This one old freak, he was still raping little kids when he was seventy years old. Started on the shots years ago. He figured out how to beat the deal - got some bootleg doctor to shoot him up with hormones. And remember that baby-raper on the Coast? Instead of dumping him into prison, the judge made him post a sign on his house. Child Molester Inside - Kids Stay Away. Something like that.'

'Yeah. Like a brand.'

'Some brand. All the guy has to do is move to another neighborhood. Where they don't read English. Plenty of them around.'

'It's so sick.'

I grabbed her eyes. 'You think your father was sick?'

'He's a dirty, evil man.'

'They all are. It's their choice, Belle. Blood didn't make them that way. You're not that way.'

'How do you know so much?'

'I never figured out what I was, but I figured out I was going to go the distance. Survive. Knowing is how you do it.' I lit another smoke. 'Mortay, he won't be living down there. Too risky. But Ramon, he'll lead me right to him.'

'How you going to find out?'

'The Mole's going in. Tonight, tomorrow morning.' I took a deep drag of my cigarette, thinking about the letters in my files from freaks. Always interested in the real thing. 'I know what he's going to find.'

'What?'

'I met this guy once. State senator. Spent so much time kissing ass, his face looked like it was split down the middle. But he told me something that was true. Where's the money? That's always the question. Where's the money? To the little whores on the street, the Ghost Van's a killer shark. But to Sally Lou, it's a money machine.'

'How can he make money from shooting whores?'

'I got to wait for the Mole to be sure, but I think I see it. And if I'm right, I know how to do it.'

My voice trailed off, tangled in my thoughts. Belle shifted her hips, sliding along the desk until she was right in front of me. 'You're different now.'

'How?'

'When you came to my house - shaking and all - you got past it. Whatever it was. And taping that grenade in your hand. Like you wanted to die. Just blow yourself up and go to a better place. But now . . . it's like you're getting cold inside. Like you're not scared anymore.'

'I'm still scared. But I'm back to myself now. Whatever that is, that's where I am. It's true, I feel calm inside. But not dead. Just . . . centered, you know?'

'Yeah. It feels right.'

'There's lot of things I can't do. I stopped feeling bad about them a long time ago.'

'But you can do this?'

'I can do this.'

132

Belle came back inside, a glass of ice water in her hand. 'Want some?'

I took the glass from her, sipped it slowly. 'It's late, Belle. Go to sleep.'

She bumped a rounded hip against my shoulder. 'Come with me.'

'I'm still putting it together.'

'But you told me . . .'

'I think I know what it is. I have to play with it some more. Get it straight. We're playing for keeps now.'

'Just lie down with me. Let me hold you. In my mouth. Like I did before. Until I fall asleep.' Her eyes were sadness. 'I'm so cold, honey.'

I took her hand, led her to the back room.

133

The room had a faint glow when I came around – the closest thing this joint gets to sunlight. Belle's head was against my chest, the gym mat hard against my back.

'I'm awake,' she said, before I could ask her.

'How long?'

'I don't know. I've just been lying here. Thinking. Does Pansy always walk around at night?'

'Yeah.'

'She's restless?'

'Pansy? She'd spend all her time sleeping and eating, it was up to her. She's just patrolling. Watching over me.'

'I'm jealous of her.'

'You're a dope.'

She snuggled in against me, warm, smelling like soap. 'Burke, can I ask you something?'

'Sure.'

'Can you love two people? At the same time? Love them both?'

Flood came into my mind. Flash-images. Flood standing in a Times Square alley, facing three skells, her purse on the ground. Waving them in, daring them to come close enough. Blond hair flying. Chubby little hands that could chop or caress. The crosshatched scar on her face. Fire-scar on her butt. The duel to avenge her sister's baby. Flower. The name Max gave his child to honor the warrior-woman he'd never see again. I felt her spirit in me, sunburst smile covering my soul.

'I don't know,' I said; 'I don't know enough about love. It came so late to me.'

'It's come again, darling. I asked the Prof.'

'About what?'

'Love. He knows about love. Blood love. I remember what he said: Life ain't dice - they don't roll nice, you can roll 'em twice.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Nobody's stuck. Me and Sissy were walking back of the house one day. When I was just a little girl. This old coon was down by the water. Hunting. I saw he only had one front paw. Sissy told me he must have been caught in