Dead and Gone

couldn’t follow everything he said—and the people who said they were his parents were part of it. He was a very logical kid. Parents wouldn’t hurt their own children, right? So anyone who did that, they couldn’t be the kid’s real parents, understand?

I did understand. But I didn’t know how to tell him what I knew. Being crazy was his only treasure, his one protection. I was his friend, and I wouldn’t steal from him.

Instead, I schooled him. There were some groups they made us go to. Sometimes we had to make things out of clay and crap. And we always had to be taking those tests. But, most of the time, they left us alone. I told him he couldn’t be telling people about his real parents—they wouldn’t understand.

“And they’re probably in on it, too,” he said, nodding.

Lune was always seeing patterns in things. He figured out that the big-cheese doctor was getting it on with one of the women who worked there. Not that Lune actually saw them, or anything. He just put it together. He tried to explain to me how he did it; but, even when he broke it down, it still seemed like magic.

One time after Lune told me, I was alone with the big cheese. I asked him for another cigarette. I could see his face get red. I told him I thought sometimes people did things other people wouldn’t understand if they knew about them. He gave me a weird look. I knew Lune had nailed it then, so I told the big cheese sometimes people did things with other people. Everybody had secrets. I liked to smoke cigarettes. Couldn’t that just be a secret between him and me? I mean, I’d never tell if I knew one of his secrets.

The big cheese’s face turned dark and ugly, like he was being strangled. I thought maybe he was going to step on that button under his desk and get some people in there to fuck me up. I didn’t move.

But when he pushed his pack of Marlboros across the desk toward me, I knew Lune was smarter than all the people who were keeping him locked up.

Lune kept charts. Of everything. You couldn’t make any sense out of them if you saw them, but he said that was the point.

Other kids started hanging around with us. For protection, I thought, at first. That’s the way we always did it Inside. Four little guys can stop a gorilla, if they’re willing enough. But it wasn’t me; it wasn’t for protection. It was to get close to Lune. No matter what any of the kids told him—even the real crazy ones —Lune had an answer. An explanation that made sense. To them, anyway. He always said it was all patterns; you just had to figure out what they meant.

I think he even scared the doctors after a while. That’s when I knew we had to go.

“There’s a way out of here,” I whispered to him one night. “It’s all in the patterns, right?”

“Yes! It’s always in the patterns. But if I left, how would my real parents—?”

“They’re never going to let your real parents know you’re here,” I told him, urgently. “You’ve got to get out. And get away. Far fucking far away, understand?”

“What would I do?”

“I don’t know; I’m not smart like you. But I know you have to get older before you have any power. We’re just kids. Nobody’s going to do anything we want.”

“Where would I get power?”

“Money,” I told him, with the smugness of a baby thug’s world-view. “That’s the one thing that will always make people do what you want.”

“I could get money.…”

“Sure you could, man. You’re smart enough to get all kinds of money. But not in here.”

“Would you come with me?”

“I’ll go out of here with you. We’ll break together. But we can’t stay together, Lune.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to jail again,” I told him, no smugness in my words then, but no less certainty. “I know how to get along locked up, Lune. But you don’t. And they wouldn’t let us be together in there, anyway.”

“I could—”

“No, you couldn’t,” I cut in, heading him off. “You could never be safe Inside, Lune. But out there, in the World, you could make it. You’d figure it out, for sure.”

“I still don’t under—”

“Listen to me!” I hissed at him. “If you stay here, if you fucking keep talking about your real parents, they’re gonna shoot you up with so many of their fucking ‘meds’ you’ll end up like Harry.”

Harry was a diaper-wearing vegetable who’d once been dangerous … to the guards.

“That would fit their pattern,” Lune said, finally coming around.

“You’re not a criminal, brother,” I told him. “And you’re big-time smart. You’ll find a way to be out there, stay out there, make some money. Then you’ll be able to look for your real parents.”

“What are you going to—?”

“I’m going to steal,” I told him, pridefully. To be a good thief was my highest ambition back then. So I could buy what I wanted more than anything on earth—to be safe. “And they’re going to catch me sooner or later and put me back Inside. I have to wait until I’m big enough to steal good. Then I’ll have money, too, see?”

“Sure!”