Down in the Zero

'Oh sure,' she said, her mouth full of sandwich, gray eyes alive again.

I handed her a small bottle of champagne, opened a bottle of Ginseng Up for myself.

'You don't ever drink?' she asked me.

'No.'

'How come?'

'I was overseas. In Africa. During some stupid war, a long time ago. I got malaria and some other stuff. Damaged my liver. Booze feels like acid running through my guts.'

'Oh, you poor man.

'Because I can't drink alcohol? Big deal.'

'No, I mean…a war. And all those diseases. It must have been terrible.'

'It's over,' I told her. 'That's what happens with things. You survive them, then they're over.

'Some things,' she said.

I held up my bottle of soda, acknowledging the truth.

The sun was warm. We finished the meal. I lay on my back, head in Fancy's lap, smoking a cigarette, watching the clouds. Waiting.

'She always thinks she knows everything,' Fancy said. 'She always has to be on top. Charm…she's had a charmed life, all right.'

'What was bothering you so much?'

'Did you see the way she looked at you? At me?'

'Yeah.'

'That's what I hate about the scene so much— you can't ever have anything private. Anything to yourself. That's why the videos don't matter— they all know about you anyway. They say it's like a family…the hanky–spanky people say that, anyway. Us against Them, you know?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, it isn't. It just isn't. It's a way of having…sex, I guess— it isn't all you are. But with them, that's all there is. That's the way Charm sees it— if she knows what you like, she knows you. She saw me, sitting there like that…I wanted to confuse her, just for once.'

'Why couldn't I just be a friend of yours?'

'I wouldn't have a friend at my house. Not a man friend. I never had one, anyway.

'Not a boyfriend? Even in school?'

'Sometimes. But never for long.'

'Why would it bother you so much if Charm thought I was a trick?'

'Because you're not, that's all. She always wants to find out about things. How they work. Keys, she calls them. She's a biochemist. She even has her own lab.'

'Where?'

'In her cottage. She has one just like mine, but she doesn't live there. She lives in the house.'

'All alone?'

'Except for the staff.'

'Your parents are…?'

'Dead. My mother had a stroke of some kind. A blood vessel broke in her head. It was a long time ago.'

'What happened to your father?'

'He killed himself,' Fancy said, fingers playing idly in my hair. 'He left a note. On the computer. Then he took sleeping pills. A lot of them.'

'I'm…sorry.'

'Don't be,' she said.

She had her door open almost before I brought the Miata to a stop in her driveway.

'Where's the fire?' I asked her.

'I forgot,' she said, sounding forlorn. 'Remember what you asked me to do? I have to get going, make some calls, find out— '

'Slow down, little girl. It's not a matter of life and death.'

'It is to me. I said I'd do it. I told you I'd do it. I want you to trust me.'

'I do trust you,' I said, grabbed the front of her blouse, pulling her close for a kiss. Thinking about other videotapes she'd starred in— ones she'd never showed me. I handed her the other paper bag I'd picked up. 'Put this in your front room. And don't open it, bitch.'

'What's in there?'

'You'll see.'