Down in the Zero

nothing wrong with him.

'Not with his body, anyway.'

'He wasn't sick— he was mean. Pure mean. If he was sick, he would have treated Charm the same way he did me. Now the only way I can feel like I'm somebody is when I'm role–playing.'

'With the whips?'

'Yes, with the whips. Men pay me to do it. They wouldn't pay if they didn't want it. Want me. Money, that's the proof.'

I lit a cigarette, blew smoke at the ceiling. Every little street hooker I'd ever known had a name for their pimp. Daddy.

'Charm was the one who taught me,' Fancy said. 'The power of a fetish. Do you know how strong that can be?'

'Yeah,' I said, thinking of another kind of fetish— the kind they use in voodoo.

'You don't,' she said fiercely. 'It controls everything. Charm showed me. A man who needs to beat a woman to become aroused…that controls him. If you offered him a night with the most beautiful woman in the world…straight stuff, plain vanilla…he'd pass it up for the chance to whip any old ugly beast.'

'But when it's over…'

'It's never over. It just comes and goes, see? That's the power. It's inside them, not me. I just learned how to see it. How to be it.'

'So what do you get? You don't need the money.'

'I get…wanted. I'm a star. In the scene, everybody knows me. I have slaves— they do whatever I tell them.'

'So why…?'

'Why you? I listened to Charm. Better than even she thinks. The power of a fetish, like I told you. It had a power over me too. I wanted to…see the other side.'

'What do you mean?'

'S&M, it's different from hanky–spanky. S&M, it's about pain. You take enough of it, the endorphins just start flying around inside you. It opens up the nerve endings, changes your temperature…everything. That's what they tell me.'

'Who?'

'My…clients. It's more than just a turn–on, it sets you free. But hanky–spanky, that's a scene, you understand? What you feel, it's all inside you. Everything's important— the way you dress, the words you use…everything. It's not about pain. Not real pain. When it works, you get out…I don't mean you come, I mean you…get to what the real you is. The doms, they never really get it. I never got it— I just heard about it. They say it's a search for the truth. A line you step over. I wanted to see. To be free.'

'Did you?'

'Not enough. You don't play hard enough.'

'I'm not a trick, girl.'

'But you like it, right?'

'I like you.'

'But you wouldn't let me…discipline you?'

'No.'

'Why not? I know how it works. I studied it. Guilt, that's what it is. They feel guilty about something. I punish them. It works out. Balance. Haven't you ever done something you feel guilty about?'

I got up from the bed. She said something— white noise. I didn't listen. Couldn't listen. I walked out of the house. Onto the deck in back. I looked down, but it wasn't high enough. I couldn't find the Zero.

The next thing I remember was Fancy, wrapping me in a blanket, walking me back toward the bed. I was shaking so bad my legs didn't work right. She pushed me down on the bed, piled covers on top of me. I was so cold.

When I came around, I was drenched in sweat. Fancy was sitting next to me, legs in the lotus position, watching, her gray eyes alive in the candlelight.

'Burke…Burke, are you okay?'

'Yeah.'

'You stood out there forever. With no clothes on. Like one of those statues in a museum. Just standing out there. What happened?'

'I don't know,' I lied. 'I need to take a shower.'

'No you don't,' she whispered, lifting the sodden covers, sliding in next to me. She wrapped her arms around me, hugged me close, pushing my head toward her breasts, nestling me against a chill she couldn't warm.

'What am I?' Fancy asked later, still holding me. 'Remember I asked before? If…playing that way, if that was yours? I don't know what's mine anymore. What am I, anyway?'

'You're a plum,' I told her. 'A ripe plum.'