Down in the Zero

'Fancy, he does know something. So do you, right? Sounds even–up to me…why should you be embarrassed?'

'It's not me, it's you. He saw me with you. I saw the way he was looking. It's like he knows you, see? I never talk about a client. Never, never. That's why I never date them. This kind of thing…like before…it could happen.'

'Huh?'

'Don't you get it? If one client saw me with another, the one I was with, he wouldn't know anything. But the other one, he'd know. It's a real…advantage to know about someone like that.'

'Are you talking about blackmail?'

'Kind of. That's one of the most disgusting things in the world, selling secrets. Nothing would make me do that.'

'You worried about someone blackmailing me?'

'No. How could they? Even if they saw you, they'd have no proof. That's not what I mean. It's so much power, to know what a person needs. Charm knows it. She used to always ask me who I was…doing. You know.'

'What about the videos?'

'That's different. That's professional, not personal. Charm was always like that— she had to know secrets. That's why she joined Rector's. If you come there, you have to be into it.'

'So she has to— '

'She doesn't have to do anything. There's lots of ways to be into it. Hanky–spanky isn't the same as B&D. Or S&M. Rector's has all kinds of rooms. Private rooms, like bedrooms. A couple of dungeons. All kinds of toys, equipment. A big room too, for group stuff. Some people pitch, some catch. Some switch, go both ways. And some, they just like to watch. That's Charm. She just watches. Mostly in the group rooms. One girl, a long time ago, she told us she was going to get it good that night. Her owner was going to really give her a session. Charm wanted to watch, but they wouldn't let her. She really got mad. I mean, I knew she was mad…I know her. You couldn't tell from looking at her.'

'Charm's a voyeur?'

'No. She really doesn't care. It's not like she likes to look at porno or anything. She's a…collector. She collects information. It's from her science, I think. Knowing how things work and all that. She was always like that. I know she read my diary. That's where I learned. To trick her. I'd write stuff in there that wasn't true, just to throw her off.'

'Does she go on dates and stuff?'

'Oh sure. But nothing serious. She wouldn't ever get married— she told me that when we were little.'

'Okay. So why the scene in the restaurant?'

'The man who saw me…with you. He was going to think you were like him. So if you ever met him, he'd have that. An edge, like. I made out like you ordered me to do it…go in the Ladies' Room and take off my underpants. He saw me hand them to you. Like you were embarrassing me…to teach me who's boss. You wouldn't do that— you couldn't do that— if you were a submissive.'

'So it was just to throw him off? About me?'

'About me too,' she said, looking straight ahead out the windshield. 'Why should people be so sure they know me when I don't even know myself?'

Much later. In Fancy's shadowed bedroom.

'Is there anything you want from me?' she asked.

'How about some of this?'

'Stop that!' she giggled, slapping at my hand. 'That's not what I mean. A big thing. Money…?'

'I'm…not sure,' I told her. The truth.

'If you'll figure it out for me, I'll do anything you want.'

'Figure what out?'

'The mystery. My mystery. I'm not a mysterious woman, but I'm caught in a mystery. All my life, in a mystery. Charm's so sure she knows me, but she doesn't know me. Not at all. She doesn't know me. That's what I want.'

'To know yourself?'

'Yes! That's what I want. I can't…do this forever. Not be anything. She was right, you know. No thing. That's nothing. But she's wrong too. This…domina stuff isn't me. It's what I do. It makes me feel things. But it isn't me. Not the whole me.

'What makes you so sure I— ?'

'You could, Burke. I know you could. Will you…?'

'I'll try, girl.'

Fancy came out of the bathroom in a sheer nightgown, the radical curves of her body illumed in the backlight. She was holding something in her hand, a long, thin wand.

She came over to the bed. I was lying on my back. She took the cigarette from my hand, held it to her lips, took a deep drag, put it out in the ashtray. She lay across me, her heavy breasts against my chest.