False Allegations

different people—'

'You think I'm lying? That I made this up?'

'No. I don't think that.'

'Then you believe me?'

'Not that either. I'm just listening, okay?'

'When do you make up your mind?' she asked me, her hand twitching near her hair.

'When I'm done,' I said, going along patiently, letting her take me wherever she wanted me to go.

'Could I have—?'

Heather was already in motion, her heels tapping a faster rhythm than usual. She was back in a few seconds with the heavy brass tray, this time loaded with two small bottles of Coke, a heavy–bottomed clear glass tumbler, and a chrome ice bucket. She used a pair of tongs to drop three precise ice cubes into the tumbler, screwed the top off one of the Coke bottles in one long twist, and poured carefully. She held the tumbler in her left hand, watching it closely, like measuring medicine. Satisfied, she handed it to Jennifer Dalton—a bartender serving a regular customer the usual.

Dalton took a long, deep drink, wrinkling her nose from the bubbles' tickle. She smiled up at Heather. 'Thank you.'

'Sure, baby,' Heather replied, holding the brass tray in one hand, patting Jennifer on the shoulder with the other.

Jennifer cleared her throat, facing a task. When she spoke, her voice was flat, just–the–facts uninflected. 'He told me to…touch myself,' she said. 'First my chest. I mean, I didn't really have a chest then, but it was…enough. So you could see it, I mean, enough. I had to smile while I did it. A real smile—he would always know. Then I had to do it…other places. Every other place.'

'Were you still pulling your hair?'

'Yes. But mostly my eyebrows by then. He was giving me a drug—'

'Brother Jacob?'

'Yes.'

'Was he a doctor?'

'No. He sent me to a doctor is what I should have said. A Psalmist doctor. Psalmists love the natural sciences—it's part of the teachings. The doctor prescribed the drug, but Brother Jacob gave it to me the first time.'

'You only took it that one time.'

'No, I took it every day. Once with each meal, and one more time before I went to bed.'

'So you had to take them yourself, right? You weren't with Brother Jacob all day…'

'He told my mother,' Jennifer said, as though that settled it. 'He told her I had to take it. She made sure I took it.'

'What was it, do you know?

'A capsule. Orange and white. That's all I remember.'

'Do you think it helped? With the hair pulling?'

'In a way, I thought it did. But I thought the…other stuff did more.'

'Touching yourself?'

'Yes. Like a good medicine that tastes bad, you know?'

'Were you still getting hit?'

'When I did something wrong, like lying. But not very much. I didn't touch myself…down there,' she said, nodding toward her lap, 'the right way. But Brother Jacob didn't hit me. He said he would show me. To help me.'

'Did it help you?'

'Yes. Yes it did,' she said earnestly. 'He did it…better. It was…it made me feel…warm. And safe. When he did it, I mean. It was safe when he did it.'

'Why was that so safe, Jennifer?'

'Because he was in charge. He was in control. When he was in control, he could make me do things. Things for my own good. I never pulled my hair in front of him. Never. He told me, once I got my period, I would never pull my hair again. Because he had prepared me. But he wasn't finished…'

She was quiet for so long that I tossed her a question to snap her out of the trance. 'He wasn't finished with preparing you…?'

'For my period. He said I had to be a woman before it came. My period, I mean. He did it with his hand. His thumb, I mean. He was very gentle. It took a long time. And he was right.'

'About what?'

'About everything. He stopped hitting me after that. He just…prepared me. We were in love by then. Both of us. I mean, he was older, but he truly loved me. He said we would be together forever. First in spirit. Then in body. Then in wedlock. In the church. We were already together in spirit. But we couldn't join in body until I became a woman. He loved me, so he said we had to wait for that. And we couldn't wed until I was through with college, that's when it would be right.'

She went quiet again, but this time I didn't prod her, warned off by a sharp glance from Heather. 'It came when I was a couple of months past my thirteen birthday,' she finally said. 'That was late, everybody said. I couldn't stand the waiting, but Brother Jacob was a rock. We did…other things. But he never came inside me until I had my period that first time. I couldn't wait to tell him.'

'How long did it last?' I asked.

'That first time?'

'No. The…situation. With you and Brother Jacob?'

'Oh. Until I was fifteen. Almost sixteen.'

'What happened?'

'They transferred him. To another community. In Buffalo—all the way on the other side of the state. We wrote to each other. I still thought it was okay. But then I found out—he had another…girlfriend, I guess it was. Whatever. She was much younger than me. Just a baby.'

'How did you find out?' I asked softly, needing her to tell me the whole thing before she shut down again.

'I went to visit him. A surprise, it was supposed to be. I took the bus. I told my mother I was going on a school trip. It took all day. By the time I got to his address, it was late afternoon. When he opened the door, I could see the shock on his face.'

'Did he let you in?'

'Yes. He had to. It was cold outside, and getting dark too. He told me he was angry with me for just showing up like that, but he said he wouldn't tell anyone. He took me into a front room and told me to sit down. He said he was seeing somebody, but he'd only be a little while. That's when I saw her. That's when I knew.'

'What did you see, Jennifer?'

'I heard a door open,' she said, hands clasped together so tightly they were mottled with bloodless white patches. 'I heard him walking down the hall. Away from me. I hear another door close. That's when I knew what he was doing. Going to the bathroom. He always used to do that, just after…'

Her voice trailed off. I let this one go, warning Heather with my eyes to stand where she was.

'She was about ten years old,' Jennifer finally said. 'I snuck down the hall while he was in the bathroom. I looked in and I saw her. Skinny little girl. She was…playing with it. With the ruler. I used to do that too. That's when I knew.'

'What did you do?'

'I just left. I walked out. I don't even remember going to the bus station. I just went home. And then I just forgot about it.'

'What do you mean, forgot about it?'

'I mean forgot it,' she said. 'Blanked it out…I don't know. But I never thought about it again until…'