Stupid Perfect World

Suddenly, I wanted to incise the white surface of the paper.

Lao made a distinct gagging noise.

“Hmm, perhaps we should end class early today,” Mr. Solomon said. “On account of seasickness. You and I can head straight to the Biology Department, Lao. And everyone else, try to spend some of this unexpected hour of freedom thinking about your project. Take note of the changes within you.”

I smiled at his words, writing, The changes within me…

I had lots of notes to take.

Five

THIS PROJECT SUCKED.

On top of losing three hours a day, I was brain-dead the other twenty-one. All week I’d shuffled through my classes like a zombie in one of Sho’s combat games. Suddenly all my lines for Hamlet were missing from my head. I tried to explain to Ms. Parker that it was all Mr. Solomon’s fault, but she said that was no excuse because actors in the olden days had slept every single night.

Yeah…but they knew how!

So at midnight, there I was again, staring at my makeshift bed with the usual tangled emotions. On the one hand, looking at the crumpled parkas made me want to strangle Solomon with a fleece-lined sleeve. But at the same time, somehow, the pile looked lovely. There was nothing I wanted more than to lie down on it. Waves of dizziness were drifting over me.

Maybe tonight it would finally work.

I dropped on to the pile, my face landing in a collar of fake fur. The hairs ruffled softly against my lips as I breathed in and out. I told the room to darken, and silence began to settle around me….

A communication chime sounded, breaking the spell.

“Yeah?” I sighed.

“It’s me,” Maria’s voice said. “Can I come over?”

“Um, now’s not good.”

“Hey, you sound kind of…Oh, crap! I forgot what time it was. Were you sleeping?”

“Not yet,” I murmured. “Well, maybe Stage One-ish.”

“Oh, sorry,” she whispered but didn’t hang up. Her breathing floated invisibly in the air around me, soothing in the darkness.

It felt weird, together in silence like that, so I said, “I think it’s going to go better tonight. Of course, I thought that last night, too.”

“Hmm. Is your bed comfortable?”

“Well…” I didn’t want to go into Dad’s whole bed issue with Maria. “I haven’t gotten that sorted out yet. I’m just sleeping on a pile of parkas.”

“No bed?” Her giggle traveled through the room. “I hope you have pajamas on at least.”

“Pa-whatses?”

She laughed again. “You’re not supposed to wear regular clothes to bed, silly. Olden-day people had these special sleeping clothes. They had sleepy pictures on them. No wonder it’s not working.”

“I don’t think that’s the problem,” I mumbled.

“But I don’t think everyone had pajamas. Some people pulled these sheet things over them and were naked underneath.”

“Now that makes sense.” I yanked my shirt off over my head. It was more comfortable this way, so I kicked off my shoes and squirmed out of my pants. “Yeah, this is much better.”

“Did you just—” she started, but her breath caught.

“Mm-hmm. Thanks for the suggestion.” I settled into the pile, the fleece and thermal fibers soft against my skin. “It feels weird here in the dark. Like I’m turning weightless.”

“Weightless in the dark,” she repeated slowly.

The void behind my eyelids had grown deeper, a heaviness descending on me, finally squeezing out the rapid fire of my thoughts. “Yeah, it’s weird. Like the world’s being erased.”

“The world erased…”

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, I was just copying some stuff down,” she said. “I’m sort of…keeping a journal of my project.”

“Solomon will love that,” I murmured.

“It’s not for him. It’s only for me…. Want to hear some?”

I must have grunted, because Maria started reading to me. It was more random than any diary, more like phrases snatched from conversations, words repeating and tangling without ever making meaning. Soothingly senseless, like drifting clouds of language.

But whatever it was she’d written, the sound of her voice worked wonders. An enchantment fell across me, the darkness carried me swiftly toward Stage 2, the world finally evaporating. No doubt I passed through 3 and into 4 in pretty quick succession.

And later that night, very definitely, I fell all the way down to Stage 5…where I dreamed.

Six

AFTER HE FELL ASLEEP, I listened to him breathe for a long time.

My own skin felt wrong, hypersensitive to my clinging clothes, to every shift of air. While we’d been talking, I’d dimmed the lights to match my mental image of Kieran’s room, and now the darkness seemed tangible around me, a physical thing, pressing against my hungry skin.

The white pages of my notebook glowed in my hands, still demanding attention. It was as if the paper had grown thirstier for words as I read from it.

Especially when I read aloud to a naked, almost sleeping boy.

I could picture him there in his pile of puffy coats, vulnerable and perfectly still. It maddened me that he was so far away, out of reach of my aching skin. But there was also something intense in disembodiment, as if distance amplified our connection.

My hormones were definitely roiling now, flexing their muscles. But being out of balance wasn’t what I’d expected; there were no sudden fits of madness, no breathtaking epiphanies. It was almost subtle—like the flickers of desire that rose and fell with the sound of Kieran’s breathing.

I started scribbling again, trying to spill the slow pressure inside me on to paper. As words poured out, a rumble gradually built up around me. It took ages to realize that the sound wasn’t in my head—it was coming from the window. Rain drummed against it, blurring the lights of the other high-rises.

I jumped up and put my hand against the glass, felt the cold and condensation, and suddenly I wanted to be outside—in the rain. That was what lovelorn heroines always did in the old stories: they ran outside and screamed their frustrations away! (And then they got sick and almost died, but I could skip that part.)

I stared out at the downpour, letting out a groan…

Mom’s apartment wasn’t like the old-fashioned house we’d lived in when Dad was alive. The high-rises didn’t have doors to the outside; you came and went through the teleporter. The gardens and lawns around us were just for looking at, the mountains in the distance all national parkland, forbidden and protected.

Stupid perfect world.

My fingernails skated the edges of the window, but there were no buttons to press, no latch or lock. All I wanted was to feel the rain on my hands! But windows that opened were too dangerous.

The boiling under my skin was much worse now; my hormones had sniffed freedom. My blood felt trapped inside me. And on top of it all, I heard Kieran Black breathing again—the voice call still connected.