Life and Death are Wearing Me Out

around you don’t mean a thing to you, then go ahead, get your divorce. What difference can that make to the Pang family? But, goddamn it, you’ve gone and taken our Chunmiao… do you know how old she is, Lan Jiefang? She’s exactly twenty years younger than you, still a child. If you go ahead with this, then you’re lower than a beast! How will you be able to face your parents if you do this? Or your in-laws? Or your wife and son? Or us?”

By this time both Pang and his wife were crying. She reached over to dry his tears; he pushed her hand away and said with a mixture of sorrow and anger, “You can destroy yourself, Deputy Chief, there’s nothing I can do about that. But you cannot take my daughter with you!”

I did not apologize to any of them. Their words, especially those of Pang Hu, had bored powerfully into my heart, and even though I had a thousand reasons to tell them all I was sorry, I didn’t. I had ten thousand excuses, and I knew that I ought to break it off with Pang Chunmiao and go back to my wife, but I also knew that was something I could never do.

When Hezuo had written that message in blood, I actually considered ending the affair then, but as time passed, my longing for Chunmiao increased, until I felt as if my soul had left me. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t get a thing done at the office. Hell, I didn’t feel like getting anything done. The first thing I did after returning from the provincial capital was go to the bookstore to see Chunmiao, only to find an unfamiliar ruddy-faced woman standing where she usually stood. In a tone of cold indifference she told me that Pang Chunmiao had requested sick leave. The other two clerks were sneaking looks at me. Go ahead, look! Say bad things about me! I don’t care. Next I went to the bookstore’s singles dormitory. Her door was locked. From there I managed to find the home of Pang Hu and Wang Leyun, fronted by a village-style yard. The gate was padlocked. I shouted, but only managed to get neighborhood dogs barking. Despite knowing that Chunmiao would not run to the home of her sister, Kangmei, I nonetheless summoned up the courage to knock at her door. She lived in top-of-the- line County Committee housing, a two-story building protected by a high wall to keep visitors out. My deputy county chief ID card got me past the gate guard, and, as I said, I knocked at her door. Dogs in the compound set up a chorus of barking. I could see there was a camera above the door, so if anyone was home, they’d see it was me. No one came to the door. The gate guard came running up when he heard the noise, a look of panic on his face. He didn’t tell me to leave, he begged me to leave. I left and walked out to the busy street, barely able to keep from shouting: Where are you, Chunmiao? I can’t live another day without you! I’d rather die than lose you! I don’t give a damn about my reputation, my position, my family, riches… I just want you. At least let me see you one more time. If you say you want to leave me, then I’ll die, and you can…

I didn’t apologize to them and I didn’t say what I was going to do. I got down on my knees in front of my father and mother and kowtowed. Then I turned and did the same to the Huangs, who were, after all, my in-laws. Then I faced north and, with all the respect and solemnity I could manage, kowtowed to Pang Hu and his wife. I was grateful for their support and even more grateful for bringing Chunmiao into this world. Then I stood up and backed over to the door, where I bowed deeply, straightened up, turned around, and, without a word, walked out of the house and down the road, heading west.

I could tell by my driver’s attitude that my days as an official had come to an end. I’d no sooner returned from the provincial capital than he complained to me that my wife had made him drive her and my son somewhere, and not on official business. He hadn’t come to pick me up, claiming that the car was experiencing electrical problems. I’d had to hitch a ride with the Agricultural Bureau bus home. Now I was walking toward the county town. But did I really want to go back there? To do what? I should be going to wherever Chunmiao was. But where was she?

Jinlong drove up in his Cadillac and stopped alongside me. He opened the door.

“Get in.”

“That’s okay.”

“I said get in!” Clearly he would brook no disobedience. “I want to talk to you.”

I climbed into his luxurious car.

Next I was in his luxurious office.

He sat slouched in a burgundy leather armchair, leisurely smoking a cigarette and staring up at the chandelier.

“Would you say that life is like a dream?” he asked light-heartedly.

I silently waited for him to go on.

“Do you remember how we used to tend our ox on the riverbank?” he said. “In order to get you to join the commune I slugged you once every day. At the time, who could have imagined that twenty years later the People’s Commune would be like a house built on sand, washed away in front of our eyes? I’d never have believed back then that one day you would rise to the position of deputy county chief and I’d be the CEO of a corporation. So many of the sacred things we’d have lost our heads over aren’t worth a dog’s fart today.”

I held my tongue, knowing that this wasn’t what he wanted to talk about.

He sat up straight, stubbed out the cigarette he’d just lit, and gazed intently at me.

“There are plenty of pretty girls in town, so why jeopardize everything to chase after that skinny monkey? Why didn’t you come to me if you wanted some fun? Black, white, fat, skinny, I could easily get you what you wanted. You want to try a change of diet? Those Russian girls only charge a thousand a night!”

“If this is what you dragged me over here to talk about,” I said as I got to my feet, “I’m not sticking around.”

“Stay where you are!” he shouted angrily, slamming his fist on the desk and sending the ashes in his ashtray flying. “You’re a bastard, through and through. A rabbit doesn’t eat the grass around its burrow, and in this case, it’s not even very good grass.” He lit another cigarette, took a deep drag, and coughed. “What do you know about my relationship with Pang Kangmei?” he asked as he stubbed out the cigarette. “She’s my mistress! The planned Ximen Village resort, if you want to know, is our venture, our bright future, a future you’re screwing up with your dick!”

“I’m not interested in what you’re doing,” I said. “My only interest is Chunmiao.”

“I take it that means you’re not giving up,” he said. “Do you really want to marry the girl?”

I nodded forcefully.

“Well, it’s not going to happen, no way!” He stood up and paced the floor of his spacious office before walking up and thumping me in the chest. “Break this off at once,” he said unambiguously. “Anything else you want to do, just leave it to me. After a while you’ll realize that women are what they are, and nothing more.”

“You’ll excuse me,” I said, “but that’s disgusting. You have no right to interfere in my life, and I certainly don’t need you to help me arrange it.”

I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm and said in a milder tone:

“Okay, maybe there is such a thing as love, damn it. So what do you say we work out a compromise? Get your emotions under control and knock off this talk about divorce. Stop seeing Ghunmiao for a while, and I’ll arrange a transfer to another county, maybe even farther, one of the metropolitan areas or a provincial capital, at the same level you are now. You put in a little time, and I’ll see that you get a promotion. Then if you still want to divorce Hezuo, leave everything to me. All it’ll take is money, three hundred thousand, half a million, a million, whatever it takes. There isn’t a goddamn woman alive who’d pass up money like that. Then you send for Pang Ghunmiao, and the two of you live like a couple of lovebirds. Truth is,”-he paused-“this isn’t the way we wanted to do it, since it’s a lot of trouble. But I am your brother, and she is her sister.”

“Thank you,” I said, “for your wise counsel. But I don’t need it, I really don’t.” I walked to the door, took a few steps back toward him, and said, “Like you say, you are my brother, and they are sisters, so I advise you not to let your appetites grow too big. The gods have long arms. I, Lan Jiefang, am having an affair, but, after all, that’s a problem of morality. But one day, if you two aren’t careful…”

“Who are you to be lecturing me?” He sneered. “Don’t blame me for what happens! Now get the hell out of here!”

“What have you done with Ghunmiao?” I asked him dispassionately.

“Get out!” His angry shout was absorbed by the leather padding on the door.

I was back on Ximen Village streets, this time with tears in my eyes.

I didn’t even turn my head when I walked past the Ximen family home. I knew I was an unfilial son, that both my parents would be gone before long, but I didn’t flinch.

Hong Taiyue stopped me at the bridgehead. He was drunk. He grabbed my lapel and said loudly:

“Lan Jiefang, you son of a bitch, you locked me up, an old revolutionary! One of Chairman Mao’s loyal warriors! A fighter against corruption! Well, you can lock me up, but you can’t lock up the truth! A true materialist fears