Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

Dumbledore leaned back in his padded throne. His eyes were as cold as anything Minerva had seen from him since the day his brother died. 'And you threaten to abandon us to Voldemort if we do not comply with your wishes.'

Harry's voice was razor-sharp. 'I regret to inform you that you are not the center of the universe. I'm not threatening to walk out on magical Britain. I'm threatening to walk out on you. I am not a meek little Frodo. This is my quest and if you want in you will play by my rules.'

Dumbledore's face was still cold. 'I am beginning to doubt your suitability as the hero, Mr. Potter.'

Harry's return gaze was equally icy. 'I am beginning to doubt your suitability as my Gandalf, Mr. Dumbledore. Boromir was at least a plausible mistake. What is this Nazgul doing in my Fellowship?'

Minerva was completely lost. She looked at Severus, to see if he was following this, and she saw that Severus had turned his face away from Harry's field of vision and was smiling.

'I suppose,' Dumbledore said slowly, 'that from your perspective it is a reasonable question. So, Mr. Potter, if Professor Snape is to leave you alone henceforth, will that be the last time this issue arises, or will I find you here every week with a new demand?'

'Leave me alone?' Harry's voice was outraged. 'I am not his only victim and certainly not the most vulnerable! Have you forgotten how defenseless children are? How much they hurt? Henceforth Severus will treat every student of Hogwarts with appropriate and professional courtesy, or you will find another Potions Master, or you will find another hero!'

Dumbledore started laughing. Full-throated, warm, humorous laughter, as if Harry had just performed a comic dance in front of him.

Minerva didn't dare move. Her eyes flickered and she saw that Severus was equally motionless.

Harry's visage grew even colder. 'You mistake me, Headmaster, if you think that this is a joke. This is not a request. This is your punishment.'

'Mr. Potter -' Minerva said. She didn't even know what she was going to say. She simply couldn't let that go by.

Harry made a shushing gesture at her and continued to speak to Dumbledore. 'And if that seems impolite to you,' Harry said, his voice now a little less hard, 'it seemed no less impolite when you said it to me. You would not say such a thing to anyone who you considered a real human being instead of a subordinate child, and I will treat you with just the same courtesy as you treat me -'

'Oh, indeed, in very deed, this is my punishment if ever there was one! Of course you're in here blackmailing me to save your fellow students, not to save yourself! I can't imagine why I would have thought otherwise!' Dumbledore was now laughing even harder. He pounded his fist on the desk three times.

Harry's gaze grew uncertain. His face turned toward her, addressing her for the first time. 'Excuse me,' Harry said. His voice seemed to be wavering. 'Does he need to take his medication or something?'

'Ah...' Minerva had no idea what she could possibly say.

'Well,' said Dumbledore. He wiped away tears that had formed in his eyes. 'Pardon me. I'm sorry for the interruption. Please continue with the blackmail.'

Harry opened his mouth, then closed it again. He now seemed a little unsteady. 'Ah... he's also to stop reading students' minds.'

'Minerva,' Severus said, his voice deadly, 'you -'

'Sorting Hat warned me,' said Harry.

'What?'

'Can't say anything else. Anyway I think that's it. I'm done.'

Silence.

'Now what?' Minerva said, when it became apparent that no one else was going to say anything.

'Now what?' Dumbledore echoed. 'Why, now the hero wins, of course.'

'What?' said Severus, Minerva, and Harry.

'Well, he certainly seems to have backed us into a corner,' Dumbledore said, smiling happily. 'But Hogwarts does need an evil Potions Master, or it just wouldn't be a proper magical school, now would it? So how about if Professor Snape is only awful toward students in their fifth year and higher?'

'What?' said all three of them again.

'If it's the most vulnerable victims about whom you're concerned. Maybe you're right, Harry. Maybe I have forgotten over the decades what it's like to be a child. So let's compromise. Severus will continue to unfairly award points to Slytherin and impose lax discipline on his House, and he will be awful to non-Slytherin students in their fifth year and higher. To others he will be scary, but not abusive. He will promise to only read minds when the safety of a student requires it. Hogwarts will have its evil Potions Master, and the most vulnerable victims, as you put it, will be safe.'

Minerva McGonagall was as shocked as she'd ever been in her life. She glanced uncertainly at Severus, whose face had been left completely neutral, as though he couldn't decide what sort of expression he ought to be wearing.

'I suppose that is acceptable,' Harry said. His voice sounded a bit odd.

'You can't be serious,' Severus said, his voice as expressionless as his face.

'I am very much in favor of this,' Minerva said slowly. She was so much in favor that her heart was pounding wildly beneath her robes. 'But what could we possibly tell the students? They might not have questioned this while Severus was... being awful to everyone, but -'