Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

'What? Why - oh, never mind. Innervate.'

There was a pause, and then a snake slowly crawled out of its harness. Slowly the green head came up, looked around.

A blur later, Professor Quirrell was standing, and a moment later had sagged to his knees.

'Lie down,' said the witch without looking up from Bellatrix. 'That you in there, Jeremy?'

'Yes,' said the Defense Professor rather hoarsely, as he carefully laid himself down on a relatively flat patch of sandy orange rock. He was not so pale as Bellatrix, but his face was bloodless in the dim dawn light. 'Salutations, Miss Camblebunker.'

'I told you,' said the witch, sharpness in her voice and a slight smile on her face, 'call me Crystal, this isn't Britain and we'll have none of your formality here. And it's Doctor now, not Miss.'

'My apologies, Doctor Camblebunker.' This was followed by a dry chuckle.

The witch's smile grew a little wider, her voice that much sharper. 'Who's your friend?'

'You don't need to know.' The Defense Professor's eyes were closed, where he lay on the ground.

'How wrong did it go?'

Very dryly indeed: 'You can read about it tomorrow in any newspaper with an international section.'

The witch's wand was tapping here, there, poking and prodding all over Bellatrix's body. 'I missed you, Jeremy.'

'Truly?' said the Defense Professor, sounding slightly surprised.

'Not even a tiny little bit. If I didn't owe you -'

The Defense Professor started to laugh, and then it turned into more of a coughing fit.

What do you think? said Slytherin to the Inner Critic, while Harry listened from behind the glass walls. Performance, or reality?

Can't tell, said Harry's Inner Critic. I'm not in top critical form right now.

Can anyone think of a good probe to gather more information? said Ravenclaw.

Again that whisper from the empty air above the broomstick: 'What is the chance of undoing all that was done to her?'

'Oh, let's see. Legilimency and unknown Dark rituals, ten years for that to set in place, followed by ten years of Dementor exposure? Undo that? You're out of your skull, Mister Whoever-You-Are. The question is whether there's anything left, and I'd call that maybe one chance in three -' The witch suddenly cut herself off. Her voice, when it spoke again, was quieter. 'If you were her friend, before... then no, you're never getting her back. Best understand that now.'

I'm voting that this is a performance, said the Inner Critic. She wouldn't just blurt all that out in response to one question unless she was looking for an opportunity.

Noted, but I'm putting a low weight of confidence on that, said Ravenclaw. It's very hard not to let your suspicions control your perceptions when you're trying to weigh evidence that subtle.

'What potion did you give her?' the witch said after opening Bellatrix's mouth and peering inside, her wand flashing multiple colors of illumination.

The man lying on the ground calmly said, 'Pepper-Up -'

'Were you out of your mind?'

Again the coughing laugh.

'She'll sleep for a week if she's lucky,' the witch said, and clucked her tongue. 'I'll owl you when she opens her eyes, I suppose, so you can come back and talk her into that Unbreakable Vow. Have you got anything to stop her from killing me on the spot, if she manages to even move for another month?'

The Defense Professor, eyes still closed, took a sheet of paper from his robes; a moment later, words began to appear on it, accompanied by tiny wisps of smoke. When the smoke had stopped rising, the paper floated over toward the woman.

The woman looked over the paper with raised eyebrows, gave a sardonic snort. 'This had better work, Jeremy, or my last will and testament says that my whole estate goes into putting a bounty on your head. Speaking of which -'

The Defense Professor reached again into his robes and tossed the witch a bag that made a clinking sound. The witch caught it, weighed it, made a pleased sound.

Then she stood up, and the pale skeletal woman floated off the ground beside her. 'I'm heading back,' said the witch. 'I can't start my work here.'

'Wait,' said the Defense Professor, and with a gesture retrieved his wand from Bellatrix's hand and harness. Then his hand pointed the wand at Bellatrix, and moved in a small circular gesture, accompanied by a quiet, 'Obliviate.'

'That's it,' snapped the witch, 'I'm taking her out of here before anyone does her any more damage -' One arm came around to hug the bony form of Bellatrix Black to her side, and they both disappeared with the loud POP! of Apparition.

And there was silence in that lumpy place, but for the gentle rush of the passing waves, and a little breath of wind.

I think the performance is finished, said the Inner Critic. I give it two and a half out of five stars. She's probably not a very experienced actor.