The eleven-year-old boy who would someday become legend - slayer of dragons, killer of kings - had but one thought upon his mind, as he approached the Sorting Hat to enter into the study of mysteries.
But no sooner the brim of the ancient felted device slipped over his forehead -
'RAVENCLAW!'
As the table decked in blue began to applaud him, as he approached the dread table where he would spend the next seven years, Kvothe was already wincing inside, waiting for the inevitable; and the inevitable happened almost at once, exactly as he had feared it, before he'd even had a chance to sit down properly.
'So!' an older boy said with the happy expression of someone who's thought of something terribly clever. 'Kvothe the Raven, huh?'
TENGEN TOPPA GURREN RATIONALITY 40K
I have a truly marvelous story for this crossover which this margin is too narrow to contain.
UTILITARIAN TWILIGHT
'Edward,' said Isabella tenderly. She reached up a hand and stroked his cold, sparkling cheek. 'You don't have to protect me from anything. I've listed out all the upsides and all the downsides, assigned them consistent relative weights, and it's just really obvious that the benefits of becoming a vampire outweigh the drawbacks.'
'Bella,' Edward said, and swallowed desperately. 'Bella -'
'Immortality. Perfect health. Awakening psychic powers. Easy enough to survive on animal blood once you do it. Even the beauty, Edward, there are people who would give their lives to be pretty, and don't you dare call them shallow until you've tried being ugly. Do you think I'm scared of the word 'vampire'? I'm tired of your arbitrary deontological constraints, Edward. The whole human species ought to be in on your fun, and people are dying by the thousands even as you hesitate.'
The gun in his lover's hand was cold against his forehead. It wouldn't kill him, but it would disable him for long enough -
RATIONALIST HAMLET
(contributed by Histocrat on LiveJournal, post 13389, aka HonoreDB on LessWrong)
(reposted with permission)
HAMLET
Interloper, abandon this strange prank,
which makes cruel use of the blindness of my grief,
and the good heart of my good friend Horatio.
Or else, if thou hast true title to this belov'd form,
tell me:
What drawing did I present to Hamlet King,
when six years old and scarce out of my sling?
Ghost
'twas a unicorn clad all in mail.
HAMLET
What.
Ghost
Mark me.
HAMLET
Father, I will.
Ghost
My hour is almost come,
When I to sulphurous and tormenting flames
Must render up myself.
HAMLET
Thou art in torment?
Ghost
Ay, as are all who die unshriven.
HAMLET
Like every Dane this is what I've been taught.
Yet I did figure such caprice ill-suited to almighty God.
For all who suffer unlook'd for deaths, unattended by God's chosen priests,
to be then punish'd for the ill-ordering of the world...
Ghost
'twas not the world that killed me, nor accident of any kind.
HAMLET
What?
Ghost
If thou didst ever thy dear father love,
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.
HAMLET
Oh God.
Ghost
My time grows ever shorter. Wilt thou hear the tale?
HAMLET
No.
Ghost
What?
HAMLET
My love for you does call me to avenge your death,
but greater crimes have I heard told this night.
If all those murdered go to Hell, and others as well,
who would have confess'd had they the time,
If people who are, in balance, good, suffer grisly
at the hands of God, then I defy God's plan.
Good Ghost, as one who dwells beyond the veil,
you know things that we mortals scarce conceive.
Tell me: is there some philter or device,
outside nature's ken but not outside her means,
by which death itself may be escap'd?
Ghost
You seek to evade Hell?
HAMLET
I seek to deny Hell to everyone!
and Heaven too, for I suspect the Heaven of our mad God
might be a paltry thing, next to the Heaven I will make of Earth,
when I am its immortal king.
