Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

'How so?' said the Defense Professor.

'Because there was no visa listed for Fuyuki City.' The man slammed the folder shut. 'You're not Quirinus Quirrell. Who the hell are you?'

The Potions Master walked quietly into the Ravenclaw girls' dorm, the first-year dorm room, a festive place where bronze and blue competed to be the color of stuffed animals, scarves and dresses, small bits of inexpensive jewelry, and posters of famous people. Hermione Granger's bed was easy to identify; it was the one that had been attacked by a book monster.

Nobody else seemed to be around, at that time of day, and a number of spells verified this.

The Potions Master searched under Hermione Granger's pillow, and beneath her bed, and then began going through her trunk, sorting through mentionable and unmentionable items without change of expression, and finally succeeded in drawing forth a set of papers describing places and times where bullies would be found, all of the papers signed only with an elaborate 'S'.

A brief burst of fire later, the papers were gone, and the Potions Master left to report the failure of his mission.

The Defense Professor was sitting calmly with his hands still folded in his lap. 'If you consult Headmaster Dumbledore,' said the Defense Professor, 'you will find that he is well aware of this matter, and that I agreed to teach his Defense class on the explicit condition that no inquiry be made into my -'

In a lightning motion, the interrogator whipped out his wand and spat 'Polyfluis Reverso! ' at the same time that the Defense Professor sneezed, which somehow caused the mirror-silvered ray to disrupt in a shower of white sparks.

'Pardon me,' the Defense Professor said politely.

The smile that the Auror gave had absolutely no mirth in it. 'So where's the real Quirinus Quirrell, eh? Under an Imperius in the bottom of a trunk somewhere, while you take a hair now and then for your illegal Polyjuice?'

'You are making highly questionable assumptions,' the Defense Professor said with an edged voice. 'What makes you think I did not steal his body outright using incredibly Dark magic?'

This was followed by a certain pause.

'I suggest,' the Auror said, 'that you take this seriously, Mr. Whoever-You-Are.'

'I'm sorry,' said the Defense Professor, leaning back in his chair, 'but I see little reason to humble myself on this particular occasion. What are you going to do, kill me?'

'I don't appreciate your humor,' the Auror said softly.

'How unfortunate for you, Rufus Scrimgeour,' said the Defense Professor. 'You have my deepest sympathy.' He tilted his head, seeming to study the interrogator; and even within the shadow of the ice-light, the eyes glinted.

Padma stared down at her plate.

'Hermione wouldn't just do that!' yelled Mandy Brocklehurst, who was practically in tears, in fact she was in tears, her voice would have been loud enough to silence the Great Hall if it hadn't been for all the other students also screaming at each other. 'I - I bet Malfoy tried to - to do things to her -'

'Our General would never do that!' Kevin Entwhistle yelled even louder than Mandy.

'Of course he would!' shouted Anthony Goldstein. 'Malfoy's the son of a Death Eater! '

Padma stared down at her plate.

Draco was the General of her army.

Hermione was the founder of S.P.H.E.W.

Draco had trusted her to be his second-in-command.

Hermione was her fellow Ravenclaw.

Both of them were her friends, maybe the two best friends she had.

Padma stared down at her plate. She was glad the Sorting Hat hadn't offered her Hufflepuff. If she'd been Sorted into Hufflepuff it would probably have been much more painful, trying to decide where her divided loyalties lay...

She blinked and realized that her vision had gotten blurry again, and raised a trembling hand to wipe once more at her eyes.

Morag MacDougal snorted so loudly it was audible even amid the pandemonium of lunch, and said in a loud voice, 'I bet Granger cheated in her battle yesterday, I bet that's why Malfoy challenged her -'

'All of you SHUT UP!' roared Harry Potter, as he hit the table with his fists so hard that plates rattled all the way along it.

At any other time it would have gotten Professors reprimanding him, this time it just got a few nearby students to look.

'I'd wanted to eat lunch,' Harry Potter said, 'and then get back to investigating, so I wasn't going to talk. But you're all being silly, and when the truth comes out you're going to regret what you said about innocent people. Draco didn't do anything, Hermione didn't do anything, they were both False-Memory- Charmed!' Harry Potter's voice had been rising on the last words. 'How is that not BLOODY OBVIOUS?'

'You think we'll believe that?' Kevin Entwhistle yelled right back at him. 'That's what everyone says! 'I didn't do it, it was all just a False Memory Charm!' You think we're stupid? '

And Morag nodded right along with him, with a condescending look.

The look that came over Harry Potter's face then made Padma flinch.