Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

Well what the heck am I supposed to say? Harry's mind fired back.

Anything!

You mean, anything besides 'Fawkes is a chicken' -

Yes! Anything but that!

'So, ah, what sort of magic do phoenixes do, then?'

'Their tears have the power to heal,' Dumbledore said. 'They are creatures of fire, and move between all places as easily as fire may extinguish itself in one place and be kindled in another. The tremendous strain of their innate magic ages their bodies quickly, and yet they are as close to undying as any creature that exists in this world, for whenever their bodies fail them they immolate themselves in a burst of fire and leave behind a hatchling, or sometimes an egg.' Dumbledore came closer and inspected the chicken, frowning. 'Hm... looking a little peaky there, I'd say.'

By the time this statement registered fully in Harry's mind, the chicken was already on fire.

The chicken's beak opened, but it didn't have time for so much as a single caw before it began to wither and char. The blaze was brief, intense, and entirely self-contained; there was no smell of burning.

And then the fire died down only seconds after it had begun, leaving behind a tiny, pathetic heap of ashes on the golden platform.

'Don't look so horrified, Harry!' said Dumbledore. 'Fawkes hasn't been hurt.' Dumbledore's hand dipped into a pocket, and then the same hand sifted through the ashes and turned up a small yellowish egg. 'Look, here's an egg!'

'Oh... wow... amazing...'

'But now we really should get on with things,' Dumbledore said. Leaving the egg behind in the ashes of the chicken, he returned to his throne and seated himself. 'It's almost time for dinner, after all, and we wouldn't want to have to use our Time-Turners.'

There was a violent power struggle going on in the Government of Harry. Slytherin and Hufflepuff had switched sides after seeing the Headmaster of Hogwarts set fire to a chicken.

'Yes, things,' said Harry's lips. 'And then dinner.'

You're sounding like a gibbering moron again observed Harry's Internal Critic.

'Well,' Dumbledore said. 'I fear I have a confession to make, Harry. A confession and an apology.'

'Apologies are good' that doesn't even make sense! What am I talking about?

The old wizard sighed deeply. 'You may not still think so after understanding what I have to say. I'm afraid, Harry, that I've been manipulating you your entire life. It was I who consigned you to the care of your wicked stepparents -'

'My stepparents aren't wicked!' blurted Harry. 'My parents, I mean!'

'They aren't?' Dumbledore said, looking surprised and disappointed. 'Not even a little wicked? That doesn't fit the pattern...'

Harry's inner Slytherin screamed at the top of its mental lungs, SHUT UP YOU IDIOT HE'LL TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THEM!

'No, no,' said Harry, lips frozen in a ghastly grimace, 'I was just trying to spare your feelings, they're actually very wicked...'

'They are?' Dumbledore leaned forward, gazing at him intently. 'What do they do?'

Talk fast 'they, ah, I have to do dishes and wash problems and they don't let me read a lot of books and -'

'Ah, good, that's good to hear,' said Dumbledore, leaning back again. He smiled in a sad sort of way. 'I apologise for that, then. Now where was I? Ah, yes. I'm sorry to say, Harry, that I am responsible for virtually everything bad that has ever happened to you. I know that this will probably make you very angry.'

'Yes, I'm very angry!' said Harry. 'Grrr!'

Harry's Internal Critic promptly awarded him the All-Time Award for the Worst Acting in the History of Ever.

'And I just wanted you to know,' Dumbledore said, 'I wanted to tell you as early as possible, in case something happens to one of us later, that I am truly, truly sorry. For everything that has already happened, and everything that will.'

Moisture glistened in the old wizard's eyes.

'And I'm very angry!' said Harry. 'So angry that I want to leave right now unless you've got anything else to say!'

Just GO before he sets you on fire! shrieked Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor.

'I understand,' said Dumbledore. 'One last thing then, Harry. You are not to attempt the forbidden door on the third-floor corridor. There's no possible way you could get through all the traps, and I wouldn't want to hear that you'd been hurt trying. Why, I doubt that you could so much as open the first door, since it's locked and you don't know the spell Alohomora -'

Harry spun around and bolted for the exit at top speed, the doorknob turned agreeably in his hand and then he was racing down the spiral stairs even as they turned, his feet almost stumbling over themselves, in just a moment he was at the bottom and the gargoyle was walking aside and Harry fired out of the stairwell like a cannonball.

Harry Potter.

There must have been something about Harry Potter.