Nervous

can do your hair for you in the morning. Would you like that?”

“Yes,” she replied sweetly.

“I’ll be up in a few minutes to tuck you in,” Daddy said.

“Okay.”

She went into the house and again, I heard her running up the steps. Again, Daddy yelled out at her and then we both laughed.

Daddy rubbed his hand across his face and exhaled. “She’s a handful, I tell you.”

“You seem like you’re doing a good job. She’s an extremely happy child.”

“I never thought I’d find myself sharing custody of a child.”

“Not even me?” He ignored the question so I continued, “Daddy, I understand that whatever went down with you and Momma was ugly and unrectifiable, but why didn’t you fight to see me? I would have loved to spend time with you. I had you for fifteen years of my life and then you just vanished.”

“It wasn’t like that,” he said swiftly. “There are a lot of things you don’t know and can’t know.”

“Why can’t I know them now? I’m a grown woman.”

“It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.” He paused and said, “Jonquinette, it’s not that I’m not excited about you showing up here, but why now? After all this time? I had completely given up hope.”

I thought about Dr. Spencer and said, “Someone suggested I come visit you.”

He seemed staggered. “Surely, it couldn’t have been your mother. I’ve been writing her for years, too. I got one letter back telling me to burn in hell and that she couldn’t wait to dance on my grave and that was it.”

“Momma was heated,” I said. “But she still shouldn’t have said something that malicious.” I took over Flower’s job and pushed us off. “I didn’t know you had written her letters. She’s never mentioned it.”

“Hmph, why would she? She hates me.”

“How do you feel about her?” I pried.

“Oh, I will always love your mother. I’ll admit that our marriage went through its ups and downs but I expected to be with her forever. Until that sorry-ass bitch showed up on Thanksgiving Day and ruined everything.”

“What about the child she was pregnant with?” I asked.

He raised his voice. “There was no child. I never slept with that woman. In fact, I’d never even laid eyes on her. I tried to find her though, afterward, but after searching every street corner in the hooker district, I gave up. Besides, the damage had already been done and your mother wasn’t trying to hear any kind of explanation. Not that I needed to justify my actions, because I hadn’t done anything.”

Something about the way he talked made him seem like an innocent man. “Daddy, do you swear it wasn’t true?”

“I swear,” he said. “I’m not a perfect man, Jonquinette, but that I did not do. I never cheated on your mother and I’ve only been with one woman since. Allison was more of a release than anything else but I’m glad I have Flower. She gives me a basis to live.” He got up off the swing. “I’m going to go tuck her in. I’ll be back.”

“Can I do it?” I asked.

He chuckled. “You sure?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind.”

He waved me toward the house. “Be my guest but I have to warn you, she expects to be read to before she falls asleep.”

“I can read,” I said jokingly. “Even made it through college.”

“So I heard.”

“From whom?” I asked.

“I have my little spies. At least one of your relatives felt some compassion for me. I even have your graduation pictures from high school and college and copies of the ceremony programs.”

“Who gave them to you?” I kept prodding.

“I’ll never tell. In case you disappear again, I need to know how to keep up with your life.”

I touched him on the arm. “I won’t disappear again, Daddy. I promise.”

I spotted a tear forming in his left eye but he swiped it away before it could land on his cheek.

We didn’t say anything else; I just went into the house to find Flower.

She was in her room watching a rerun of Sister, Sister on the Disney channel on a thirteen-inch television. She had on a black Barbie nightgown and a pair of pink slippers. I pulled the slippers off her feet and tucked her into bed.

“You don’t mind if I put you to bed, do you?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Nope. Can you read me a book?”

I giggled. “Ha, how did I know you would say that?”

She wasn’t a stupid child. “Because Daddy told you I would say it.”

“Okay, you got me. I looked around her room, which was the only room in the house that looked like a woman had something to do with it. There were pink sheer curtains, posters of teddy bears in ballerina outfits hanging on the walls, and a few stuffed animals strewn about. “Where do you keep your books?”

Flower pointed to a toy box by the window. I got up and walked over to it.

“Any particular one you want me to read to you?”

“Hmm, how about Isra the Butterfly Gets Caught for Show and Tell?”

I went through the toy box and located the book by Christine Young-Robinson. After turning off Flower’s television, I sat down beside her on the bed and started reading the book. She was asleep within minutes. I sat there for a while and just stared at her. I thought about my childhood and how confusing it was. My blackouts, all the accusations, all the teasing and bullying.

I started crying and looked up at the ceiling. “Dear God, please guard this child and don’t let her go through the things I went through.”

I pulled myself together and I was about to go back out on the porch to check on Daddy. But, when I passed his room, I heard snoring. I peeked in on him and he was fast asleep. It had truly been a long day and the serious discussion I needed to have with him could wait.

24

jude

I couldn’t believe she actually went through with it; going to see Henry fuckin’ Pierce. And trying to actually bond with the motherfucker at that. I thought about doing something really foul like climbing into the bed with him buck-ass naked to make the two of them think they had actually fucked each other the next morning. Only one thing saved Jon and the bastard. Flower was in the house. She was a cute little something.

Nevertheless, I needed to seriously blow off some steam, so after Henry and Flower were fast asleep, I located the keys to his Ford Ranger, the only vehicle he had except for his tow truck.

I headed into town, what there was of it, hunting for some action. I stopped by a twenty-four-hour convenience store and there were some lowlifes hanging out front drinking forties of beer. I asked them about the local night life and they all started laughing.

One of them finally told me about a “juke joint” called The Crystal Palace. His friends all looked at him like he was tripping. I should have suspected he was up to no good. The Crystal Palace was down a dark dirt road and I knew something was wrong when I pulled up beside a pickup truck that had Redneck’s Toy fancily painted across the back of the bed.

I sat there and surveyed the place for a few minutes. It was fifteen minutes after one and the parking lot was packed with nothing but pickup trucks and hot rods. I had never seen so many Novas and Chargers in my life. Nor had I seen so many Confederate flags hanging or stickered in windows. Those black men at the store were trying to set my ass up.

Two white boys pulled up on four-wheelers and parked beside a pickup that had a dead deer lying on the back. I had stumbled into Deliverance; it was like something right out of the movie.