Thank You for Smoking

retirement.'

'You're in no shape to make the right decision. You're all wrapped around the axle. You look like you haven't slept in a week. Dark circles under your eyes. Fine tobacco spokesman you are,' he murmured.

'All right,' Nick said, 'step by step.'

'Knew you were a sensible fellow. Knew it the first day I met you at the Club. Do you remember? How I would love to wrap my lips around one of their mint juleps right now.'

The head nurse was approaching with a stern look on her face. 'I'll talk to you later,' Nick said. 'Get some rest.'

'If I oink next time you see me, you'll know I been screwed again.'

Nick turned to go. The Captain said after him, 'Don't forget, tobacco takes care of its own.'

26

The next day Nick was whistling C’est fume, C’est fume in the midst of restoring his office after its deconstruction by the FBI when Gazelle stuck in her head and in her now customary paranoid whisper hissed: 'Nick, FBI'

'Show them right in,' he said.

It was agents Monmaney and Allman. They clearly felt that they could dispense with the usual opening pleasantries now that Nick's ass belonged to them.

'Did you leave the city yesterday?' Monmaney barked.

'What,' Nick said, going on with his cleanup, 'and violate the terms of my bail?'

'You got into a cab outside this office. The driver drove evasively, breaking several traffic laws. For which he has been detained. And questioned.'

'Picking on Muslims again, eh?'

Agent Monmaney clenched his fists.

'I'd say he drove quite normally, for a District cab driver.'

'He says you told him that we planted something in his trunk.'

'Well, you'll have noticed that his English is a little rough. He must have misunderstood me. I did ask him if he ever kept plants in his trunk.'

'You're cocky this morning, Nick,' Agent Allman said. 'Yes, I am,' Nick grinned. 'I feel much better.'

'You bought a ticket to Winston-Salem, North Carolina.'

'I did?'

'You want to add perjury to the list? You put it on your air travel card. We have the receipt. And you stayed at the Motel Eight in Winston-Salem. We have that receipt, too.'

'Aha.'

'What's that mean?'

'I lost my wallet yesterday. Someone must have used my credit cards to fly to Winston-Salem. I must say, odd choice for a travel destination. I'd have gone to someplace more fun. I only noticed it missing this morning. I called them in stolen.' He smiled. 'You'll be able to verify that.'

'Slick, Nick. By the way, everything you say will be used against you.'

'Are we under arrest again?'

'No,' Agent Monmaney said. 'For the time being.'

'You know,' Nick said, 'I understand how you guys feel about me. But for what it's worth, I didn't kidnap myself. And you're going to find out that I didn't. So when you do, let's all have a drink together and say, Fuck was all that about?'

They regarded Nick dubiously. 'You're expecting good news?'

'Oh yes,' Nick said. 'Very.'

'Does it have anything to do with your visit to Winston-Salem?'

'Don't recall I said I was in Winston-Salem.'

'Let's go,' Agent Allman said.

'Say,' Nick said, 'why don't you let Akmal go. You can't blame him for being spooked. You guys have been kind of tough on those poor Muslims.'

'Come on,' Allman said to Monmaney.

'Ta ta,' Nick said.

'Asshole,' Monmaney said on the way out.

The visit by the Untouchables, along with his decision not to accept the Captain's hush money, had Nick's mood rising like a souffle. He couldn't wait for the Captain. He walked to BR's office and, once again ignoring his secretary's remonstrations, went in. Jeannette was with him.

'Ah,' Nick said, 'teamwork. That's what it's all about, isn't it.' BR scowled. 'What do you want, Nick? You're not even supposed to be here.'

'But I work here.'

'You're on leave. Effective as of now.'

'No,' Nick smiled, 'I don't think so. But I think you're about to go on a long leave. And so is Mata Hari over there. Don't forget your rubbers, Jeannette.'

Jeannette said, 'You can't prove a th—'

BR shushed her, indicating by pantomime that Nick might be wearing a wire. It was so deft that Nick wondered if this was the first time he'd performed it.

Nick wagged his finger at Jeannette. ' 'Ooh, Nick, ooh. Here, take the condoms. I got the extra large. ' That'll make for fun in the courtroom. As for you, my wonderful, supportive boss, clear something up for me. I couldn't figure out why your rent-a-kidnappers let me live. But it occurred to me that maybe they screwed up. Am I getting warm?'

BR stared.

'So you and your dominatrix girlfriend cooked up the condoms-in-the-NicArrest-boxes scheme? Very neat.'

'Nick,' BR said in a forbearing voice, 'you've been under a lot of stress. I think you ought to get some professional help.'

'Yes,' Nick said. 'I have been under a great deal of stress. YOU ASSHOLES!!!'

BR and Jeannette started.

'Sorry,' Nick said. 'Stress. Well, see you round Cellblock C.'

Nick closed the door behind him feeling much better. When he reached his office, Gazelle was sitting at her desk looking particularly woeful.

'Cheer up,' said Nick. 'Things are going our way.'

'You didn't hear?'

'Hear what?'

'The Captain died this morning.'

'What I don't understand,' Carlinsky said, 'is why you didn't tell me this before.'

'I didn't know it before. And would you please stop saying that. It's very annoying.'

'So, as you see it, BR had you kidnapped. The kidnapping failed. Then he and Jeannette framed you by contriving to get your prints on the boxes of what you thought, in the dark, were condoms, but were actually the nicotine patch boxes.'

'Right.'

'You don't have any proof.'

'No,' Nick said, 'I don't keep a video camera in my bedroom.'

'And you shared this scenario with Mr. Boykin the night before he died.'

'Yes. He was going to fire BR and Jeannette and then… '