I looked at him, he looked at me, and I knew that this was a bad news day. I’d known it since I’d woken up, and his being there confirmed it.
I walked down the hall to the kitchen. The door was ajar, and there was a light on inside the room.
I pushed the door all the way open, and for a moment I thought that Jules had redecorated the white walls.
In red.
But it wasn’t Dulux vermilion gloss that coated every surface.
It was blood. Hot, scarlet blood. Already turning brown in the air. Jules’ blood. My wife-to-be. And she was lying on the black and white checked vinyl floor in a pool of the stuff, with more gushing from the multiple wounds that Louise had stabbed in her body.
Louise was still bending over her, and when she saw me, she stood up, wiped the blade of the kitchen knife she was holding on her skirt, and stuck the point of it into the butcher’s block that rested on one of the work surfaces.
‘Hello Paul,’ she said. ‘Supper’s nearly ready.’
I went straight to Jules, but it was too late. She was dead. I knelt in her blood and tried to revive her, but all I managed to do was to cover myself in the stuff. Big mistake number one. Too much blood, I thought. Too much blood for her to have in such a small body.
When I realized it was useless, I stood and tore the knife from where Louise had stuck it, and went looking for her. Oh yeah, I can hear you say it. A stupid thing to do. But I did it anyway. Maybe you would’ve done the same thing under the circumstances. Big mistake, number two, you might say.
Of course she was gone. Percy too. So I did what any good citizen would do at a time like that.
I called the emergency services.
You see I’ve always prided myself on being a good citizen. Big mistake number three.
So naturally the coppers arrived with the ambulance. They took one look at me and hustled me into the living room to wait for the CID.
Ten minutes later, a pair of plainclothes police got to the house, and the fun really began.
Have you ever tried to explain to the law that your ex-girlfriend, dead exactly six years to the day, had turned your current fiance into steak Diane on the kitchen floor? Or steak Julia in this case.
Don’t bother.
It doesn’t wash.
They cautioned and charged me when I’d told them my full name, and they drove me to the station, where, after being processed through, I was taken to an interview room. One of them, the youngest, put on a tape recorder, and they started.
What made it worse was that just then, Louise walked into the room, carrying Percy like a baby, sat down in an empty chair in the corner, crossed her legs and joined in.
So the conversation went something like this:
‘Well, Paul,’ said the oldest of the two coppers. ‘No “Mr”. Just “Paul”, all the time. ‘This is a bit of a mess, isn’t it?’
I agreed that it was.
‘So what happened?’
I told him. From the moment I walked through the front door and saw Percy until the two policemen arrived.
He seemed quite amused by the notion. I’m sure he was the life and soul of the police social club.
‘They’re never going to believe you,’ said Louise.
I didn’t answer. I figured I was in enough trouble as it was.
‘Come on, Paul,’ said the young one. ‘You don’t really expect us to believe all that.’
‘See,’ said Louise.
‘It’s the truth,’ I said.
‘Why did you kill her?’ said the older copper.
‘I didn’t.’
‘Was it a lover’s spat that went too far? Or was she playing away? Or you?’
‘It was nothing like that,’ I replied. ‘I’ve told you what happened. And that’s all there is to it.’
‘Right,’ said the young one. ‘Let’s run this by one more time. You’re telling me that last year, your girlfriend Louise Spenser, who at this time had been dead for five years, came to visit you.’
I nodded. ‘Yes,’ I said for the benefit of the tape.
‘With her cat? Who is also dead.’
I nodded again. ‘Yes.’
‘And since then, although you had since become engaged to the deceased, she’s been visiting you on a regular basis.’
Nod three. ‘That’s correct,’ I added for something different to say.
‘With her cat,’ said the older guy.
‘We mustn’t forget the cat,’ said the young one.
‘I know it sounds ridiculous,’ I said.
‘No,’ said the young cop. ‘We get this sort of thing all the time.’
‘Told you,’ said Louise.
‘Will you be quiet?’ I blurted.
‘Who me?’ said the young one.
‘No,’ I replied.
The older guy, who was a bit more suss, said, ‘She’s here now, isn’t she?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Where?’
‘Sitting in that chair.’
He sighed, got up and walked towards it. But Louise was too quick for him, and got up. He sat down on the seat she’d vacated, and said smugly. ‘Still here, is she?’
‘No,’ I said.
‘I think it’s time for a refreshment break,’ said the young one, and the interview was suspended.
That went on for the next twenty-four hours.
I got a lawyer who advised me that I make no further comment on the charges. But the evidence was overwhelming.
I was found covered in Jules’ blood, the knife had my fingerprints all over it. I was famous for going off the rails with drink and drags, and to put the tin lid on it, I was telling a preposterous story about the ghost of my dead girlfriend.
My brief advised me to go for a plea of temporary insanity.
I stuck to my story.
I was banged up in the remand wing at Brixton, but kept separate from the other prisoners.
Louise and Percy came and went like they owned the place. It was okay. They were a bit of company for me.
Of course no one else could see them, so I made a bit of a name for myself as being totally mad.
Radio Rental, the screws called me — mental.
The case went to trial at the Old Bailey. I pleaded not guilty, but as I had no defence, the case only lasted for a day. Every paper in the land covered it fully, and Louise and Percy sat with the defence counsel throughout.
The jury convened for less than half an hour, and when they came back, they brought in a guilty verdict.
So that’s my story. Not the happiest one, I agree.
But things have worked out okay. I’ve got a nice room. No sharp corners, and lots of cartoons on cable.
Louise and Percy never go away now, and that’s how it was always meant to be.
The three of us together. No worries about the mortgage, or where the next meal is coming from.
Daffy Duck is on now, which is kind of ironic. And there’s liver and bacon for supper.
