Forces of Good. Maybe work a quiet job by day and kick evil ass by night, like Batman or the Ghostbusters. Long before I hooked up with the outfit, I'd seen enough of the world to know how things really work.
Adan was right. I clung to that gangster code because it was just about all I had to distinguish myself from psychopathic freaks like the Vampire Fred. I hadn't killed often, but I had killed. I hadn't killed innocents, but I'd taken husbands, and fathers, and brothers and sons. Even some sisters. To stay sane, I tried to convince myself they were bad guys, just like me, and they got what they deserved.
And still, late at night and usually when I was drunk, I'd type their names into that search box on my laptop and reach out to them in the Beyond. They never answered, but I knew they were waiting for me out there in the dark.
Adan noticed my uncharacteristically angsty mood and laid a hand on my arm. 'I've had this argument a thousand times with my dad,' he said. 'You know what he says? He says the difference between a strong man and a weak man is that the strong man will do anything, even kill, to remain strong…the weak man will do anything, even die, to remain weak. He says that a man who is both strong and good will kill to remain strong, and will hate himself for it.'
I looked at Adan, and a little smile teased his infinitely kissable lips. That's about when things started to get really complicated. I knew my little stunt with Fred would have ended my chances with most of the guys I'd met. Not because they felt sorry for Fred or disapproved of violence or anything like that, but because they would have felt threatened and humiliated by it.
The bottom line was that I'd worked over the vampire because I'd wanted to protect Adan. And he didn't seem to mind. The reason for his enlightened attitude was obvious-he knew the outfit. He knew the life. He knew that in the underworld it wasn't about girl power versus machismo or any of that shit. It was about the juice. I had it and he didn't. Adan accepted that. He maybe didn't like it, exactly, but he was man enough to deal with it. For a girl like me, Adan was a miracle.
By the time we got to the beach, I'd forgotten why I went to the club. Sitting with Adan on the sand, listening to the sound of the waves and the wind, I forgot about Jamal altogether.
We were sitting quietly together when I heard laughter drifting across the water. The moon was out, and I could see there were no late-night surfers or swimmers out there.
I nudged Adan. 'Watch,' I said. I scooped up a handful of juice that washed ashore with the tide and spun a spell of true seeing. Golden, sparkling light cascaded out over the waves. The light revealed figures frolicking in the surf, male and female, their skin so pale it was almost translucent in the moonlight.
'Oh, my God. What are they?' Adan whispered.
'Ocean spirits. Mermaids-merpeople-or something like it. When I was a kid, I used to come down here all the time just to try to catch a glimpse of them. They're more common now than they used to be. I don't know why. Sometimes I'd go months without seeing one.'
The creatures noticed us and froze, suspended in the water like seaweed bobbing in the tide. Then, as suddenly as they'd appeared, they were gone. I dropped the spell and the light faded.
'Domino, that was amazing. I had no idea,' Adan said, moving closer to me. I shivered, shamelessly, and he wrapped an arm around me and pulled me against his body.
'There's a whole world out there most people never even see,' I said. 'Some of it is beautiful.' Most of it just wants to eat you. I decided to keep that part to myself.
'I want to see you again, Domino.'
'I'd like that.'
'What about my father?'
'Yeah, I'll have to see him again, too.'
Adan laughed. 'No, I mean, he probably wouldn't approve.'
I smiled. 'I'm sure of it. He probably wants you to find a nice professional girl, like a doctor or lawyer or something.'
'No, he hates lawyers.'
'Well, whatever fathers want for their sons these days, I'm pretty sure a gangster isn't what he has in mind. If you're planning to get involved in the outfit, it could get really complicated.'
Adan didn't respond and I looked over at him. He was staring down at his feet, tracing abstract designs in the sand with his fingertips.
'Did I say something wrong?'
He shook his head. 'Nah, it's okay. It's just…I can't ever be part of the outfit.' He looked up at me, and I thought I saw real pain in his eyes. 'I don't have it, Domino. I'm not a sorcerer.'
I already knew that, and I felt stupid for being so careless with my words. I'd known he didn't have any real juice the moment I saw him in the club. I'd thought about what that meant for me, but I really hadn't thought about what it would mean for him.
'Damn, I'm sorry. I thought maybe, you know, considering who your father is-'
'It's cool. It just doesn't work that way. Dad says the gift or whatever isn't genetic. He has over thirty living children. None of them have it. He keeps trying because he wants an heir, in case something happens to him. I'm his latest disappointment.' Adan laughed and shook his head. 'Ah, man, I can't believe I'm telling you all this. Dad would kill me.'
I squeezed his arm and smiled. 'I won't tell on you.'
He laughed. 'Thanks,' he said, 'and I won't tell him you forced me to reveal his secret shame.'
I tried to laugh, but really, that shit wasn't funny. It was definitely the kind of thing Rashan wouldn't want anyone to know. I felt like I had a good relationship with my boss, but I couldn't read him, didn't really know him. I couldn't even guess what he'd do if he knew I'd found out about something like this.
'Yeah, let's just pretend you didn't tell me that,' I said. 'The fewer of your father's secrets I know, the better.'
Adan nodded. 'Yeah, I'm sorry I told you. I just…I guess I feel like I can talk to you. Maybe it's lame, but it gets lonely, you know? I can't be a part of my father's life, but I never really feel at home in the normal world, either, because of what I know.'
I understood how he felt. I'd had that same feeling of being an outcast until his father found me and brought me into the outfit. For Adan, it was worse. He would always be an outsider in both worlds. That was real loneliness. I could even see how he'd reach out to someone like the Vampire Fred-anyone or anything that would accept him.
'Maybe it's a bad idea, Adan, but I still want to see you.'
He smiled. 'Me, too. It'll be our secret. Dinner tomorrow night?'
'Okay,' I said, 'I want pizza.'
'I'm impressed,' he said. 'On a first date, women usually restrict themselves to salads they never actually eat.'
Okay, I use magic to cheat with dieting, too. 'I have a fast metabolism,' I said.
'Sounds great-I love pizza. Pick you up at seven?'
I nodded and smiled.
'Give me your cell phone. I'll give you my number and you can call me tomorrow, give me directions.'
I handed him my cell and he punched in his number and gave it back to me. I checked the display, and he'd given me both his home and cell numbers. My dating game was a little rusty, but that seemed like a good sign.
'Great,' I said. 'I'll call you. I'd better get going. Did you drive tonight or catch a ride with someone?'
'I drove,' he said. 'You can just drop me at the club.' I did, and I waited there until he got in his car and drove away.
I'd never been a romantic. I didn't believe in love at first sight, soul mates, star-crossed romance or any of that stuff. I didn't believe that Adan and I were destined to fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. Judging by past experience, he was more likely to screw up my life, make me miserable and hop in bed with an exotic dancer just when I was finally getting used to him.
I grew up in the barrio, fatherless and poor. My life was violent and brutal, and I'd long ago stopped pretending there was anything more to it than getting ahead and getting out alive. Despite that, it wasn't a hard life. With magic, I could have just about anything I wanted. The only thing I couldn't change with a little juice was myself. I couldn't change how I felt, and I couldn't change what I believed. And the worst thing about not believing was that
