His reaction was a faint smile, the first lightness she’d seen in his features.
He said, ‘Whatever, it helped me survive. I collected glasses and served behind the bar to start with. I was casual labour, money in hand, nothing in the books, so no questions to answer. Just as well, as I had no answers to give.’
‘You must have had a name. They must have called you something.’
‘Yes, they did ask me. I told them my name was Ed. Ed Muir. I’d no idea why, it just came into my head. For all I knew then it was my real name.’
She stared hard at him, looking for signs that he was mocking her, but found none as he went on: ‘Later, when it started coming back to me, I realized where it came from. Back about a year before I got put on Macavity, I was on the team investigating that Hackney benefits scam. Way it worked, someone in the local social security office had to be involved, so I was delegated to go along and sign on to try and get a lead. I needed a name, so I called myself Edwin Muir. Remember? That Scottish poet you were so fond of? I’d just bought you a fancy edition of his collected works for your birthday.’
She said very quietly, ‘I remember. You couldn’t see what I saw in him, right?’
‘That’s right, but his name stuck and it came in really useful. Not only when I was working casual, but later, when things started coming back to me. I’d started doing a bit in the kitchen at the pub. I always enjoyed cooking, remember?’
Suddenly she didn’t want to do any more shared memories, not at this level, not like a couple of old school friends who’d run into each other by chance.
She said, ‘So you became a cook, is that what you’re saying?’
‘To start with. And as I stopped being casual, I needed a real back story. That’s where Ed Muir came in handy. Way back then, I’d picked up a lot of tricks about how to manipulate social security. Turned out there were still some traces of Ed Muir on file from the Hackney op, so it wasn’t too hard for me to build up the identity, particularly as I wasn’t trying to get money out of them. In fact, they’ve probably got me in their books as a success story. Layabout turns the corner, gets a permanent job, starts contributing.’
Feeling his evident pleasure in his own smartness like a pain, she said abruptly, ‘Do you still work here, at this pub?’
‘No. Sometimes I come back to give a hand if they’ve anything big on. But I moved on. I’m in charge of a fair-sized catering operation now.’
He spoke with a quiet pride, but he didn’t offer any details.
She said dully, ‘So you got your memory back. And you decided you preferred your new life to your old one. Great.’
‘It wasn’t as simple as that,’ he urged. ‘At first, it didn’t feel like recovering my memory, more like losing my mind. Then I met someone…’
‘A woman, you mean.’
‘Yes. We got together. I suppose, for me anyway, at first it was as much for comfort and warmth as… anything. But then she got pregnant. That was a waking point. Not the final one, perhaps, but a huge lurch back to reality; two realities, the one I wanted, which was here, and the other one that I’d escaped from but knew I’d have to deal with if I was to take my second chance.’
‘Second chance?’ she said. ‘That how you saw it?’
‘Oh yes,’ he said seriously. ‘I’d lost everything. Now I was getting it all back. How else should I see it?’
This was too much. Second chance! In all the joy of moving into a steady relationship with Mick, she had never ever thought of it as a second chance, an opportunity to replace what she had lost. Seven years of watching and helping her daughter grow, how could they ever be replaced?
‘And me? What about my loss?’ she cried.
‘I told you,’ he said patiently. ‘I went back to check you out. I had to know what damage I’d caused. When I saw that you and Purdy…well, I knew that I couldn’t change what had happened, couldn’t offer any kind of reparation. All I would do if I showed myself was cause even more damage.’
‘That was a very handy conclusion to reach, wasn’t it?’ she sneered. ‘Gave you the excuse to do exactly what you wanted to do.’
‘That too,’ he agreed. ‘We’d both repaired ourselves, started new lives. It made sense not to risk shattering both of them again, didn’t it?’
‘Maybe. In which case, why are we sitting here?’ she demanded.
He shifted in his seat and she could feel his relief at this step away from what had bound them together in the past to what had brought them together in the present.
‘I know why I’m sitting here,’ he said. ‘I heard something breaking on the terrace at the Keldale and I looked up and found myself looking straight at you. The real question is, what are you doing here? This photo you mentioned, have you got it with you?’
‘No. I gave it to the police, to the man I was having lunch with. His name’s Dalziel. He’s head of the local CID.’
‘I’ve heard of him,’ he said. ‘And this was a picture of me in MY Life?’
‘Yes. In the crowd, during the royal visit last week.’
‘And that didn’t strike you as odd? You know I wouldn’t bother to cross the street to see a member of our clapped-out royal family.’
‘That was the old you. What do I know about the new model, this happy relaxed guy with a good job in the catering industry? Listen. It was definitely you in the picture.’
‘Looking like I look now?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘It was like you as you used to be.’
‘Anything else? Why did you choose to stay at the Keldale, for instance?’
‘There was a message with the photo. On Keldale notepaper. I thought it might signify something. I had nothing else.’
‘What did the message say?’
‘The General reviews his troops. Remember?’
‘Of course I remember,’ he said with a reminiscent smile that made her want to hit him.
‘But you’re saying you didn’t send the message or the photo?’ she said.
‘Why would I?’
‘Why would anyone?’ she snapped.
He stared at her gloomily for a moment, then said, ‘I can only think of one reason. I’ve been a fucking idiot.’
‘Why does that not surprise me? I’m sorry, I mean, how? What have you done?’
He took the water bottle from her and downed an inch.
‘I told you, there’s been a period-in fact, it’s only come to an end today-like when you wake up in the morning but you’re not really fully awake. I knew who I was again, but I wasn’t yet totally back in the real world. I can’t have been, otherwise I wouldn’t have done it. But it seemed harmless. In fact it seemed stupid not to, like turning down a gift from the gods.’
‘What the hell are you talking about, Alex?’
‘I needed money. It seemed important to give her the best possible start, to show everyone how proud I was, to show God how grateful I was…’
‘Who? Who are you talking about?’
‘My daughter,’ he said. ‘I wanted to throw her a really splendid christening party.’
She looked at him with realization dawning, though perhaps the realization was that she had known this all along, but hadn’t wanted to admit it.
She said with a calmness that frightened her, ‘That’s why you were in the garden. The christening party. It was yours.’
‘Yes,’ he said.
‘For your daughter.’
‘Yes.’
‘What have you called her.’
‘Lucinda.’
