vowed that I would have a marriage as my parents did.”
Again he paused and seemed to gather his strength and thoughts. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. Still holding Elizabeth’s hand, he continued, “When I was seventeen, my mother died. After the funeral, my father retreated to his room, and we did not see him for a month.
“When he emerged he was a changed man. Gone were the light in his eyes and the quick smile. He had aged overnight. He never fully recovered and only Georgiana could reach him. A sensible man would doubtless regard my father’s grief as vindication for avoiding such an all-consuming love. I suppose that means I am not a sensible man, because it only heightened my resolve.”
He arose and walked to the window, peering outside but not actually seeing. “I left Pemberley for Cambridge when I was eighteen. There I was exposed to an entirely different world. The education I relished and embraced. Learning is like breathing to me, and I loved every moment. Socially, I was a wreck.”
He laughed and smiled at Elizabeth. “I am quite positive you are not astounded by this confession!” She laughed as well and shook her head.
“I was incredibly naive, my love. My existence until then had been a sheltered one. Pemberley is isolated and Lambton small. My parents did not care for Town and my mother was frequently too ill to travel, so I had minimal exposure to society. Now I was thrust into it and I was overwhelmed. To this day, I do not make friends easily, nor do I enjoy a number of the entertainments that the college crowd engaged in, especially drinking and carousing. Many young men, Mr. Wickham for example, deem such pastimes as the primary purpose for attending University. I did not. I was there for an education, and my leisure was spent in quieter pursuits, such as billiards, chess, fencing, and, as always, riding. I gravitated toward gentlemen who were of like mind. My cousin Richard, Colonel Fitzwilliam as he would later become, was my primary companion.”
“As for the ladies…” Darcy paused, and Elizabeth could discern how uncomfortable he was with the topic, so she said nothing. In time he continued, but refused to look at her. “I would be lying, Elizabeth, if I claim to have consciously made a vow of chastity. I did not. I was a young man with longings that I wished to gratify, but I refused to selfishly slake my appetites in a demeaning manner. My father had raised me to be a better man than that, and the excellent example of my parents’ relationship was never far from my thoughts. I do not know what I thought the ‘acceptable’ situation would be outside of the sanctity of marriage, but it never occurred. I will not say it was easy, Elizabeth, but this is the truth of it.”
“Also, I was appalled at the attitude of some men, Wickham and his ilk. They bragged about their sexual exploits and were lewd, crass, and ungentlemanly. There was nary a hint of affection or regard for the women involved. They justified their actions, naturally, by pointing out that the women were of low station or immoral. It made no sense to me. Were not they as immoral and low if they partook in such base activity? Also, many of the women were not those who were for hire. It became a game among some to hunt down and seduce certain ladies, servants and the like, and then to boast of the conquest. I was disgusted and refused to be party to it.”
“My years at Cambridge passed, and I was extraordinarily happy there. By the time I left, still virtuous, I had for the most part mastered the forbearance and temperance that is innate in my character, which I inherited from my father.”
Darcy began pacing, head bent as he spoke further. “I returned to Pemberley. Not two months later my father collapsed. It was totally unexpected. His heart, the physicians said. One week later he had died and I, at two and twenty and utterly unprepared, was Master of Pemberley and guardian to a grieving eleven-year-old sister.”
“There truly is not a word in the King’s English to describe how overwhelming my life became for the next year or so. Mrs. Reynolds completely took over the management of the household staff and upkeep. My father’s steward, Mr. Wickham the elder, was a remarkable man. Without them, I believe Pemberley would have folded. Tragically, Mr. Wickham also passed a scant six months later. Fortunately, I had been an apt pupil. My uncle, Lord Matlock, assisted me tremendously and aided me in replacing Mr. Wickham with my current steward, Mr. Keith. Eventually I was able to breathe again and believed I could actually succeed in my new position.
“Then London Society came calling.” His voice held a tone of disgust and bitterness. “New demands were placed on my shoulders, demands I wanted no part of, yet knew I had to accept. Elizabeth, I judge you do not yet appreciate what an agony it is for me. I am fully aware that interacting with society is my responsibility, but I so despise it. It is not just my own shyness and lack of proper social skills, although that certainly is a major part of it. It is the insincerity, the deceitfulness, the affected friendliness of the ton that repulses me. Few pure souls can be found and the women are the worst.
“London is replete with Caroline Bingleys. Women who held me in high favor because of who I was: the perfect ‘catch’ worth 10,000 a year. I am not a fool. I knew that none of them cared for me but only for my wealth and position. Married women, in the boredom and loneliness of empty marriages, offered themselves to me as a diversion. I was revolted.
“With each passing year, as I knew it was expected of me to marry, I despaired of ever finding a woman who would give me what I so urgently wanted and needed. I trusted none of them, even the few who piqued my interest. I began to believe that I would never have what my parents had, and I grew so bitter and so very weary of the search.
“Yet, at the same time, it hardened my resolve. If I could not find what I wanted, then I would not marry at all. I am a profoundly obstinate man, my love, if you have not realized that already! Once I set a course, I am loyal to it. If I was so fortunate and blessed to find love, then I would be devoted, faithful, and enduringly thankful until the day I died.”
He stopped pacing and looked at Elizabeth. For a long time he gazed upon her beloved face and she tenderly gazed back. She hoped that her love for him, her pleasure in all that he had shared with her, was visible on her countenance. Finally, he returned and knelt before her, taking her hands in his firm grip.
“My dearest, precious Elizabeth. I have saved myself for you, even before I knew who you were. As trite as that sounds, it is the truth, and I do not merely mean in the intimate realm of our relationship. My principles, my pride perhaps, would not allow me to consider giving myself to anyone less than the woman I would love and marry. Even in my despair of ever finding you, I still clung to the idea that you existed. You had to exist! I simply needed to be patient. Call me a hopeless romantic!”
He chuckled softly and gently touched her cheek as she beheld him with absolute love and dedication. “My decision to wait for you, physically and emotionally and spiritually, was a worthy one. I know that we will be wonderful together, in every possible way, as husband and wife. I will never, ever want anything or anyone more than I want you! Elizabeth, my heart, you must know that and believe me.”
She smiled at him and gently stroked his hands. Tears were coursing down her cheeks, and she could hardly speak. “I do, William. Thank you for sharing your life with me, past, present, and future. Thank you for waiting for me.”
“You also must know, beloved, that I would never force myself upon you in any way. Your wishes, needs, and desires are of paramount importance to me. I sincerely hope that our relationship will never come to a point where we do not desire each other’s company, but you must understand that I will always respect you and would never want to cause you harm or pain in any way. Elizabeth…”
She stopped his words with her fingers then leaned forward to place a gentle, chaste kiss upon his lips. “My darling William. I wish to please you as much as you wish to please me. Your words have eased my heart completely. I have no fears now, only the overwhelming need to show you how much I love you. Our wedding day cannot come soon enough for me!”
Chapter Three
Lizzy took one last look in the mirror and then entered the bedchamber with a happy smile and wildly beating heart. The room was lit only by the fire, two oil lamps, the filtered moonlight, and a wall sconce on either side of the bed. For a moment she thought the room empty but then she noticed her husband standing by a window with his back to her. She caught her breath at the sight before her. He was standing as she had so often seen him stand, with spine perfectly straight, feet firmly planted, and one arm bent with his hand resting on his waist. He was
