‘You can live without ninety per cent of your colon,’ said Big Ron.
‘That’s reassuring.’
‘You can lose a kidney, two-thirds of your liver, half your brain and most of your stomach, and still live.’
‘Yeah, but would you want to?’ I said, sitting down at his table.
‘Anything I can do?’ he asked.
I shook my head. ‘It’ll be fine.’
‘Make sure you get a copy of the video.’
‘What?’
‘They’ll video it for you. We’ll have a movie night at Fatso’s. Popcorn, hot dogs. Journey to the Centre of Bob’s Arse. The Voyage of No Return. I mean, how many times do you get to look up a friend’s back passage?’
‘I’ll pass.’
‘You’re no fun.’
I handed him the print-outs from the tax office. ‘Can you cast your expert eyes over these.’
Big Ron flicked through the sheets of paper.
‘It’s an English school over in Soi 22. Russian guy runs it. There’s something not right about his set-up but I can’t work out what it is.’
‘Mafia?’
‘Ethnic cliche,’ I said. ‘Not all Russians are Mafia, not all Italians are the Mob, not all public schoolboys are gay.’
‘It wasn’t a public school,’ said Big Ron. ‘It was a grammar school. And just because we had to swim naked in the pool once a week doesn’t mean we were gay. It was a bonding thing.’ He waved the print-out at me. ‘What’s your interest?’
‘That missing Mormon. He used to work there but Petrov, the Russian, comes over all forgetful when I mention his name.’
Big Ron went back to the first sheet and read it carefully. He frowned and scratched his chins. Then he raised his eyebrows. ‘I’m in the wrong bloody business,’ he said.
‘How come?’
‘He turned over two hundred and fifty six million baht two years ago. That’s what these figures are for, the year before last. That’s close to five million quid. Staff costs of twelve million, three hundred and sixty thousand, most of that the teachers. Rent and utilities amount to a shade over fifteen million. Total profits of two hundred and forty million, six hundred and forty thousand baht profit. That’s one hell of a return.’
‘And he pays his taxes?’
Big Ron’s sausage-like fingers played across the abacus. Tap, tap, tap. Tap tap tap tap. He studied the ebony balls. ‘To the baht,’ he said. He frowned. ‘There’s something not right about this,’ he said.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘No one pays this much tax unless they have to,’ he said. ‘Every businessman in Thailand has two sets of books, one for the taxman and one showing how much money he’s really making. This guy’s taking the piss. If he paid ten per cent of what he’s paying the taxman would still be grateful.’ He scratched his chins and studied the print-out. ‘Okay, let’s look at this another way,’ he said. His fingers rattled the shiny black balls. ‘Total income two hundred and fifty six million baht.’
Tap, tap, tap.
‘How much do the students pay? Per hour?’
‘A hundred baht.’
Tap, tap, tap. Tap tap.
‘Three hundred and sixty five days a year,’ he said. ‘Forget all the public holidays, royal birthdays and the like.’
Tap, tap, tap. Tap.
How many hours a day is he open for business?’
‘From seven in the morning until nine at night.’
‘Fourteen hours a day.’
I nodded but he wasn’t looking at me.
Tap, tap, tap, tap. His forehead creased into a deep frown. ‘How many classrooms?’
‘Eight,’ I said.
Tap, tap, tap. Tap tap.
Big Ron sat back and grinned. ‘Sixty-two,’ he said.
‘What’s that, the answer to life, the universe and everything?’
‘It’s the number of people in each classroom. Sixty-two. Sixty-two pupils, every hour for fourteen hours a day, for three hundred and sixty five days a year. That’s the only way you get a turnover of two hundred and fifty six million baht.’
‘But there’s only a dozen chairs in each room.’
‘Five to a chair, then? Be like the black hole of Calcutta. Standing room only.’
I shook my head. ‘None of the rooms I saw were close to capacity. I saw fifty pupils at most when I was there.’
‘There you go then.’ Big Ron’s grin widened.
‘What?’ I didn’t get it.
‘It’s not about teaching English. It’s about laundry.’
I still didn’t get it.
CHAPTER 24
The school that Kai attended was in Soi 15, not far from one of the city’s busiest red light areas, Soi Cowboy. Over the years the city’s hookers and transsexuals had spread out from Nana Plaza in Soi 4 and Soi Cowboy in Soi 23 and now most of the lower reaches of Sukhumvit Road were fair game for the city’s purveyors of vice. Every now and again the police would go on the offensive and for a few weeks the streets would be clear but like cockroaches the hookers always returned.
The school was far enough from the main road to be untouched by the drug-dealing and hooking fraternity but even so I didn’t think it would be a good idea to loiter outside a school where more than half the pupils were girls. There were a couple of noodle stalls on the pavement about a hundred feet from the main entrance so I took a seat with a good view of the gate and ordered a bowl of red pork and noodle soup, which as it turned out wasn’t half bad. I was half way through it when I saw Kai. She was wearing a short black skirt, a white shirt that was so tight the buttons were straining at the material, and black Gucci heels. To go with the Gucci bag on her shoulder.
How did I know the shoes were Gucci?
Because my wife has a pair of the very same shoes. And they were very expensive. I know because I bought them.
Kai was nodding her head strangely but as she got closer I saw that she was listening to an iPod. I stood up and smiled but she didn’t see me until she was almost in front of me, then her mouth opened in surprise showing perfect white teeth with pink braces. I saw the panic in her eyes so I smiled again and held up my hand in greeting.
‘Miss Kai,’ I said, ‘how are you today?’
She didn’t hear me and she frowned as she took out her earphones.
I repeated what I’d said, and smiled again.
She frowned, not recognising me at first, then realisation dawned. ‘Khun Bob,’ she said. ‘You’re not a teacher here as well are you?’
‘No, I’m happy enough where I am,’ I said, which wasn’t exactly a lie but it was close. ‘Would you like a Coke?’
She looked at her watch. It was slim, gold and obviously expensive. ‘I have an appointment,’ she said. She
