Because she knows one thing is true, even though she hasn’t wanted to admit it.
The missing boyfriend who would do anything for her, who has been her best friend since birth? Never.
Ever. Made her feel like that. Never made her gut twist just with a look, a touch. Never made her so hot she wanted to tackle him, kiss him hard. Press her body against his and roll around in a field, not even caring that little bits of grass were getting on her clothes.
“You’re not going to eat?” she says after a while, breaking the awkward silence.
“I’m not hungry.”
“I made you a lunch.”
“Thanks. But I’m still not hungry.”
Kendall glares. How can somebody be so hot one minute and so annoying the next? Whatever the case, the perfect day is ruined.
Ruined by the truth.
And the guilt builds. The guilt of Nico. She curses her own weakness. He’s only been missing a month.
It’s no different from if she’d gone to Juilliard and he’d gone to Bozeman.
Except it is. It’s vastly different. Worse, because he no longer has a voice. Worse, because what would people say if she gave up on him? What would Nico’s parents say? What if he’s not dead? She imagines the looks on their faces.
And on his.
“Stop it,” she mutters. She can’t let her brain go to weird places. Nothing happened. And nothing will.
The silence grows prickly and painful as they pack up. Head home.
She starts counting horse steps anxiously as they travel back to the ranch. One hundred, five hundred.
Even when she hits a thousand, she can’t stop counting. She can’t stop, she decides, until she hears a hawk cry.
After two thousand she convinces herself that if she hears either a mourning dove or a hawk she can end this. At three thousand she concludes that if she sees a grouse or even a goddamn rabbit, she can stop counting. Finally, thankfully, at 3,842 the rabbit comes through for her.
But the rabbit doesn’t fix her problem.
So the counting begins again, fresh from zero.
Her anxiety builds. She hates this. Just wants to go home.
They put the horses in the barn, and Kendall watches awkwardly as Jacian tends to them, rubbing them down, getting them water and food, putting their blankets on them. He doesn’t look at her. Eventually she just turns and leaves, walking up to the house alone. She knocks on the door and is greeted by Mrs.
Obregon and a delicious smell and sizzle from the stove. Her stomach, after only the few pieces of fruit for lunch, growls loudly.
“Can you stay for dinner?” Mrs. Obregon asks, handing Kendall the phone.
“Yes,” Marlena says. “Stay!”
“I should get home.” Kendall dials her mother and prays for her to pick up. But there’s no answer. “Hey, Mom,” she says to the machine, thinking fast. “I’m back at Hector’s. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. It was good. Just pick me up. . whenever. . ” She trails off. “Okay. See you soon. Bye.”
Kendall hangs up the phone and smiles with a brightness she doesn’t feel. “My mom’ll be here in a minute. I’m going to wait outside. Thanks for. . yeah. The horses. Everything.”
Kendall turns as Marlena and Mrs. Obregon watch her, puzzled looks on their faces.
As darkness falls, Kendall slips through the trees and runs.
She doesn’t see Jacian standing in the driveway, watching her go.
Doesn’t know it’s him driving by late that night when she stands in front of the upstairs window, crying for Nico to forgive her.
Alone again, so long. This time We wait. This time We know for sure. That heat, that heartbeat, that life — will be back.
I need you.
All night Kendall dreams about the desk and Nico. She sleeps in on Sunday but wakes with a start and wonders, what if. . wherever Nico is, he’s trying to send her a message? What if it’s not her imagination or her grief or her OCD, but it’s real?
She sits up, disoriented, bright sunshine streaming into her bedroom.
What if Nico’s really able, somehow, to connect with her? And all this time she’s been ignoring his calls for help?
By the time she hits the shower, she’s laughing it off again. “Fletcher,” she says, “get a fricking grip, will you?” As she dresses, she’s wondering if maybe she does need to see the shrink again. It’s not that she doesn’t like her doctor. She’s really been helpful through all the tough times. But it makes Kendall feel sort of like she’s backsliding. Which, just maybe, she is. “It probably wouldn’t hurt to see her once,” she mutters.
Alone in the house, Kendall nibbles at a muffin and wraps the present she bought for Marlena from the general store — a set of earrings with little topaz stones. And then, because she’s bored, she makes cookies, thinking it might be good to bring something to the party.
By two Kendall is flipping through channels on TV, watching televangelists, infomercials, and cartoons.
She goes out back to see if her mother and father are coming, but she sees no one except stupid
Brandon’s father, who is helping out on weekends with harvest. She heads back inside and waits some more.
She’s sure they forgot.
At two forty-five, the phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Where are you?” It’s Marlena with a pouty voice.
“I’m waiting for my douchey parents to get here so they can drive me. I think they forgot.” She hears music and laughing in the background.
“Why didn’t you call? Jacian will come get you. Jacian!” She yells into the phone. “Go pick up Kendall!”
“No, that’s okay—”
“He’s on the way. Just get here!”
Kendall hangs up and sighs. Writes a note to her parents. Grabs her coat, the gift, and the cookies and goes outside to wait on the front steps.
“Thanks,” Kendall says, getting into the truck. “Sorry.”
Jacian, clad in an apron and smelling like smoke, waves her off and speeds back toward Hector’s.
Kendall grips the armrest. “You trying to get a speeding ticket?”
Jacian shrugs. “Sheriff is at my house having margaritas and carne asada, and my poblanos are probably burning.”
“You cook, too?”
“No. I grill. I don’t know how to cook.” He flies up the driveway, parks next to a row of vehicles, and exits the truck almost before the engine quits. Runs for the smoke-filled backyard to an open fire pit with a big grate on it. He grabs a pair of tongs and starts flipping charred-looking things over.
Kendall watches him for a minute, then walks into the house and greets Marlena with a hug. Eli, Travis, and stupid Brandon are there, as well as some juniors and the group of sophomore girls that Marlena has become friends with. Everybody mingles loudly, all varieties of Latin music playing in the background. At least a quarter of Cryer’s Cross is here. Mrs. Obregon works the blender, making drinks for the adult guests, and Hector serves up sodas for the under-twenty-one crowd.
Kendall grabs a Dr Pepper and weaves through the people, observing. Lots of parents are here. Even
Nico’s parents. Kendall feels guilty that she hasn’t been by to see them lately. She walks over to say hello. They look terrible.
“Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Cruz,” she says.
“Hi, Kendall, sweetheart,” Mrs. Cruz says. She gives her a long hug. “Are your parents here?”
