He asked, “What did you do that left you with ghosts to carry?”
She tilted her head back and closed her eyes. “I don’t talk about that. I can’t talk about that.” After a moment, she said, “I can’t even think about it.”
“But you dream about it.” It wasn’t a question.
She was silent.
His voice was kind when he said, “If you need some time alone now-”
“No,” she said.
He waited patiently, not moving at all. His hand remained resting on both of hers. His breathing was steady.
“I…” She stopped, feeling sick. Her heart was racing. She forced herself to tell him. “I caused the deaths of my family and my whole village.”
Gideon didn’t move or speak.
Her breath came out in a rush. “I’ve never told anyone that. No one alive knows.”
“That’s what happened to your mother? You… caused her death?”
She nodded. He had asked her about it on Diraden, after she had cried out for her mother in her sleep. In the burning stench of her nightmares. Now she could give him an answer.
“I was raised in a traditional mountain village,” she said, “on a plane I’ll never go back to. My family were ordinary people. Decent people. My father was gentle. My mother was strict. I had two younger sisters who irritated me, and an older brother who I adored. He taught me to ride, and to fight, and… well, a lot of things. He was killed in the war. By then I had already discovered…”
“That you had power?”
“Yes. I played with fire in secret, going off alone into the hills to practice, even though it was forbidden.”
“By whom?”
“By everyone. My parents forbade it, because they didn’t understand it and were afraid. The elders of our village told me I had to stop, because it was against the law. And the law forbidding fire magic had been passed by the new ruler, when our lands were occupied at the end of the war.”
She paused for a moment, then said, “But I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. It was like… Well, you know what it’s like to discover you have that much power. That kind of talent. It’s not something you can quit or give up.”
“No.”
“The more my parents and the village elders tried to get me to stop practicing and experimenting, the more suffocated I felt. Even though I was too young for it, they started talking about marrying me off, thinking that maybe that a husband and children would solve the problem.” She shook her head. “But, of course, the problem was who I was. I didn’t yet have any idea what I was, but I knew for certain I was never going to settle down to village life. I wasn’t ever going to be one of them. With every passing day, I felt more and more… different. Separate.”
She looked down at his hand, resting on hers, and remembered how alien she had felt in her own birthplace.
“Finally, my parents, under pressure from the village elders, talked seriously to another family about getting me married to their son. When I found out, I was furious. I wanted to run away. To leave home. But…” She shrugged. “I’d never been anywhere. I had no idea where I would go. And the whole realm was under martial law. I knew I wouldn’t get far from our village before I’d be stopped by soldiers. I felt trapped there. Imprisoned in that narrow, smothering life.”
Chandra paused again. Gideon waited.
“I had been manifesting greater and greater power. Getting careless. Not hiding what I was doing, even though I knew I should. And now that I was so angry…” She started breathing harder. “I set off a huge explosion of fire on the outskirts of our village. I… yes, I wanted to frighten the village elders. And my parents. And the family who had just agreed to have their son marry me-I wanted them to change their minds, to refuse! I wanted him to refuse. I wanted to be set free.”
When she stopped again, Gideon asked, “What happened?”
“The explosion attracted soldiers. They didn’t know that one stupid, angry adolescent had done this. They thought the people in my village had to be rebels. They assumed the men had been practicing fire magic, in violation of the law, and were planning to use this secret power to attack the occupying forces.” Her voice was breathless and uneven as she continued, “So they rounded up everyone in the village, forced them into the cottages that were closest to the fire-which was spreading-and barricaded the doors.” Tears started welling up in her eyes. “The fire spread to those cottages… and everyone inside… burned.”
The tears spilled over and rolled down her cheeks.
Gideon asked, “Where were you?”
“I had gone off to be by myself after starting the fire. I came running back to the village when I heard the soldiers attacking. When I saw what was happening, I fought them.” She took shaky a breath and wiped her eyes. “It was the first time I’d ever used my power that way. For fighting. It was the first…” Tears fell again. “First time I ever killed.” She tried to steady her breathing.
“And your family?”
“They burned alive inside our home. I heard their screams. I saw my mother at the window, begging the soldiers to let my little sisters out of the burning building.” Her voice broke. “I smelled their burning flesh…” She closed her eyes and wiped her face. “They all died because of me. My parents, my sisters, and everyone in the village. Because of me. Because I played with fire.”
Gideon’s gentle clasp on her hands became a firm grip. With his other hand, he stroked her hair.
“No one was left alive,” she said. “No one. And it’s my fault. I brought that fate down on them.”
“And that’s what haunts your dreams.”
“Yes.” She took a deep breath. “Those are my ghosts.”
“How did you live through it?”
“When everyone was dead inside the burning buildings and the screams stopped, I didn’t have the will to keep fighting. So the soldiers captured me easily then. They made me get down on my knees, so they could behead me on the spot. And when I saw the blade of that sword coming down to my neck… suddenly I wanted to live. I was terrified. And then…” She shrugged. “My spark was ignited. I planeswalked. One moment, I was kneeling in the dirt of my village with the smell of burning flesh in my nostrils and my head about to be cut off. And the next moment… I was in the Blind Eternities-with no idea where I was or what was happening.” She gave a watery sigh. “And that’s when my next life began. My life as a planeswalker.”
She took a few steadying breaths. “Sometimes since then, I’ve wanted to burn down the whole Multiverse.”
“And you never went back?”
“No. I never wanted to.”
Chandra felt his silent acceptance of everything she had told him. She supposed, from that, he understood the full weight of what she had done, but he didn’t withdraw from her or condemn her. It was a surprise to find that he might not.
“I came to the Temple because I couldn’t live with something like that happening again,” she said. “I couldn’t live with causing suffering and death at the monastery, to the people who had taken me in and treated me as one of their own.”
“You did the right thing.” His voice was very soft.
“And have I done the right thing now?” she wondered. “Telling you this?”
“Are they as heavy to carry as they were before?” he asked. “Your ghosts?”
She closed her eyes, feeling the load she carried. She felt the tears on her cheek and the hand that clasped hers. “No,” she said at last, a little surprised. “No, not as heavy as before.” The sorrow was as deep as ever, but the burden was lighter now that she had admitted what she had done.
They sat quietly together for a while.
Finally he said, “I have to go. Walbert is busy, but he’s going to start wondering where I am. Especially since…”
“Since it’s almost time?”
“Soon,” he said.
