'No.' Lena was weeping now. For him, for Abigail, for herself, for Lucian. 'No.”
'Not at first. You feared for me. You searched for me. You wept for me. I tried to reach you, but you wouldn't let me in. You wouldn't let me in because some part of you already believed their lies. I loved you. With all my heart, my soul, my body. I died for you.”
'I couldn't stop what happened to you. I wasn't here to stop it.”
'No, you weren't here that night. And you were never really here again. Not for me, and not for our child. You broke your promise to me, the solemn vow you made to me in that bed the night she was born. More than death, that is what doomed us.”
'How did I break my promise?”
'You promised to love our child, to care for her always. I was always true to you, Lucian. You have to know.”
'I do know.' She closed her hand over the watch in her pocket and felt the weight, the grief, the sorrow.
'How could you leave her alone? How could you turn from her? You were all she had. You swore to me.”
'I don't know. I was weak. I wasn't as brave or as true as you. Maybe … I think maybe you were the making of me, and when you were gone, I had nothing to hold me straight.”
'You had Marie Rose.”
'Perhaps I loved you too much, and her not enough. Forgive me. Forgive me for what I did, for what I didn't do. I can't go back and change it.' She drew out the watch, held it face up in her palm. 'No matter how often time stops, it's too late. If I could, I would never leave you. I'd take you and the baby away. I'd do anything to stop what happened to you.”
'I loved you. And my heart ached every minute since they took me from you. Ached with grief, then with hope, and then with sorrow. You chose death, Lucian, rather than life. Still you choose loneliness rather than love. How can I forgive, when you can't? Until you do, they've won, and the house that should've been ours still holds them. None of us will ever be free, until you choose.”
He turned, opened the gallery doors and walked outside.
The door slamming at her back made her jolt. It was, Lena thought, like a rude laugh aimed at someone else's misery. Ignoring it, she stepped outside, took a deep breath.
'Declan.”
He was leaning on the baluster, staring out at the first hints of dawn. 'Yeah. I'm trying to figure out if I need an exorcist, a psychiatrist, or if I should cash in and see about starring in a remake of The Three Faces of Eve.”
He rolled his shoulders, as if trying to shrug off an irritating weight. 'I think I'll settle for a Bloody Mary.”
Cautious, she stepped up behind him. 'I'll make us both one,' she began, and started to lay her hand on his back. He sidestepped, evading her touch, and left her standing there with her hand suspended.
'I don't need to be petted and stroked. Still a little raw here. Comes from getting raped and murdered, I guess.' Jamming his hands in his pockets, he strode down the steps.
She waited a moment, struggling for balance, then walked down to join him in the kitchen. 'Let me make them. I'm the professional.”
'I can make my own goddamn drink.”
It stung when he snatched the bottle of vodka out of her hand. Stung like a slap. 'All right then, make your own goddamn drink. While you're at it, you oughta think about living your own goddamn life.”
She spun away, and when he grabbed her arm, she lashed out with her own slap. When her hand cracked across his cheek, the clock began to strike again, and the doors to slam.
Cold settled gleefully into the bone.
'You ever been raped?”
She yanked her arm free. 'No.”
'Probably haven't been strangled to death, either?' Forgoing the niceties, he took a long drink straight from the bottle. 'Let me give you a clue. It tends to put you in a really foul mood.”
Temper drained out of her. 'Don't drink like that, cher. You'll only get sick.”
'I'm already sick. I need a shower.”
'Go on and take one. You'll feel better for it. I'm going to make some tea. Just let me do this,' she snapped out before he could argue. 'Maybe it'll settle us both down some.' 'Fine. Whatever.' He stomped up the stairs.
She sat for a moment, just sat because her legs were still shaking. Then she took the watch out of her pocket, studied the face. The second hand ticked around and around. But the time never went beyond midnight.
Putting it away again, she rose to brew the tea.
She carried it up, along with the tidy triangles of toast. The sickbed meal her grandmother had made for her in childhood. He was sitting on the side of the bed, wearing a tattered pair of sweatpants. His hair was still wet. His skin was reddened from vicious scrubbing. She set the tray beside him.
'Do you want me to go?”
'No.' When she poured a mug of tea, he took it, tried to warm his hands. Despite the blasting heat of the shower, he still felt chilled.
'I didn't just see it, or remember it. I felt it. The fear, the pain, the violation. The humiliation. And more-like that isn't bad enough-part of me was still me. That part, the big, tough guy part, was helpless, just helpless watching a terrified woman be raped and strangled. I can't explain it.”
'You don't have to. I felt some of it. Not as strong, not as clear as you, but … When you looked at me, when she was looking at me out of your eyes, I felt such grief, such regret. Such guilt. Drink your tea now, sweetheart.”
He lifted the mug obediently. 'It's good. Pretty sweet.”
'Sweet tea and toast. It's good for you.' She crawled onto the bed behind him, knelt and began to knead at his shoulders. 'She was stronger than he was. It's not his fault so much. He was raised weak. But he loved her, Declan. I know that without a doubt. Even without knowing the terrible thing that happened to her, he blamed himself. For not being with her, not giving her enough of himself.”
'He deserted the child.”
There was such finality in his voice. 'He did. Yes, he did,' Lena replied. 'And though it was wrong of him, wrong to take his own life and leave their baby an orphan, she had a better life because of it. She was surrounded by people who loved her, who valued the memory of her mother. She would never have had that life here, in the Hall.' 'She was entitled to it. He should have seen to it.”
She laid her cheek on the top of his head. 'You can't forgive him.”
'I can't understand him.”
'No, a man like you wouldn't understand a man like him. Maybe I do, maybe I understand a man who'd run off with a woman rather than stand up to his parents. One who'd bring her back into a house full of resentment and shadows instead of making them a home. One who'd fall apart enough to drown himself rather than live with the hurt and raise his own child with the love and compassion that had been denied him. He wanted to be more than he was. With her, he would have been.
'You shouldn't despise him, Declan. You should pity him.”
'Maybe. It's hard. I've still got a lot of her despair inside me.' Abigail's, he thought, and a good portion of his own.
'Can you rest?”
'I don't think so.”
'Why don't you try? I need to go change.' She slid off the bed, then lifted the tray and set it aside. 'Try to sleep awhile. I won't be long.”
He didn't try to stop her. It was probably best to be alone. He lay back, stared at the ceiling as the first birds began to sing.
Abigail had been broken, he thought. Body and heart.
He was feeling pretty much the same himself.
He must have dozed, for when he opened his eyes the sun was up. Still early, he decided, but the General and her troop of whirlwinds would be coming along shortly to storm through his house with mops and brooms and God knew.
