The Demon in Me

position. Her cheeks began to ache. “You can let go of my faysh now. Preesh.”

She finally released Eden, who sighed with relief and rubbed her sore cheeks.

“Right,” Darrak said. “Actually, I’m not afraid because I’ve been faced with a lot of exorcists in the last three hundred years. Believe me, there have been a lot of yahoos who think they can get rid of me, but a true exorcist needs to completely believe in demons and the Netherworld — their faith needs to be absolute. And they have to use actual holy water—”

“Malcolm, pass me the holy water, please.” Rosa held out her hand.

“Yes, Mother.”

Darrak scoffed. “They say it’s holy water, but that could just be from the tap for all we know.”

“What’s this we thing?” Eden said.

“Now, you must repeat after me,” Rosa said. “I, Eden Riley—”

“I, Eden Riley.”

“Commit to ridding my physical being of all things demonic—”

Eden repeated it.

“And renounce evil and all forms of black magic—”

Well, of course. “And renounce evil and all forms of black magic.”

“And all lustful thoughts.”

Eden frowned. “And all lustful thoughts?”

“Lust is a deadly sin. You may have been chosen as a vessel for the demon because of that sinful, cleavage- revealing blouse you’re wearing right now. Shameful, really.”

Eden held a hand to her chest. “I bought this at Sears last week. It’s machine washable!”

“Lust is the most popular deadly sin, followed closely by vanity and greed.” She gently patted Eden’s cheek. “Speaking of money, I should let you know up front that the outstanding thousand dollars on this transaction applies whether or not I am able to dispel this evil spirit from you. It will be applied directly to the credit card number you provided earlier.”

“There’s no money-back guarantee?”

“I’m afraid not. We are working with Satan’s darkest minions, here.”

“Did she just call me a minion?” Darrak grumbled. “Talk about adding insult to potential injury.”

“I also have a disclaimer for you to sign that absolves us of any responsibility should this exorcism lead to any property damage or, potentially, your death.” Rosa placed a legal-sized document in front of Eden and handed her a pen.

Eden’s eyes widened. “My death?”

“Much like a cosmetic liposuction procedure, it’s a rare side effect, but one we should never gloss over. But wouldn’t you rather be dead than be possessed by a demon?”

“Well…”

“Look, Eden,” Darrak said. “I’ve tried to be patient, but you need to send these people away right now before this gets out of control.”

“You think they’ll be able to do it?” she asked out loud. Rosa and Malcolm would know she was chatting with her inner demon, so she saw no reason to whisper or try to otherwise hide it.

“No. But do you even know what an exorcism does?”

“Yeah, it’ll get rid of the demon I’m possessed with.”

“It will also damage your soul.”

She tensed. “Really? Why would it do that?”

“Because that’s what I’m going to grab onto when they try to get rid of me. I’m going to cling onto your sparkly silver soul like a lifeline. If she’s really good, she’ll eventually be able to rip me loose. Then my essence will be torn apart — we like to use the term decimate—I’ll be cast into the void, a place of endless darkness and despair from which there’s no escape—”

“Sounds like Hell to me.”

He laughed humorlessly. “The void is the innermost ring of Hell — all of it, the rings of Hell, the void, and the Underworld make up the Netherworld. Actually the rest of Hell’s a Las Vegas theme hotel compared to the void. When a demon is exorcised, it’s not the same as simply being vanquished. If I was vanquished, I’d be sent on a one-way ticket back to Hell. I’d be damaged. It would take a long time, if ever, for me to recover, but I’d still exist. An exorcism is a bit more permanent than that. It’ll be a few days of ultimate pain and suffering, and then it’s all over.”

Rosa continued to study Eden closely during Darrak’s speech, taking down notes from what Eden said in reply in a small notebook she carried.

Eden swallowed. “Sounds like a root canal with no anesthetic.”

“A trillion times worse than that.”

“A trillion?”

“Well… a lot. I don’t know the exact equation. I’m a demon, not a mathematician.”

“Don’t listen to whatever the demon is telling you right now,” Rosa said in a commanding tone. “He’ll try to convince you he is worthy of staying on this mortal level of existence. He may promise you great things — wealth, eternal beauty, or perhaps hours of evil, orgasmic sex—”

Eden’s eyebrows went up at that. “Pardon me?”

“Well, now that she mentions it,” Darrak said. “I do seem able to take corporeal form during daylight hours, don’t I?”

“Where do I sign?” Eden asked. “Let’s do this.”

Rosa pointed to the right place on the form and Eden signed her name. Then the woman snatched the document away, rolled it up, and put it into her bag.

Darrak sighed. “I guess the thing about three whole days of torture leading to my complete decimation gave you no pause at all?”

“You’re a demon,” Eden said under her breath. “Demons lie.”

“We don’t have to have hours of so-called evil, orgasmic sex. I was just saying that because it’s been so long for me. Vicarious sex through my hosts has been unfulfilling to say the least.”

“I don’t really care.”

Would he really be in torturous pain for days before finally dying? Did demons die? She suddenly wished she’d paid more attention back in Sunday school. But that was a long time ago and, now that she thought about it, this hadn’t been one of the topics. She remembered hearing about Noah and his ark of friendly animals, but the subject of what to do when one was possessed by a demon had not been covered, surprisingly enough.

“Aren’t you scared?” Eden asked quietly. “Not even a little bit?”

“No. From what I’ve seen so far, I don’t think this woman has enough power to get rid of me — she’s weak. Even if that vial was filled with real holy water it wouldn’t make any difference at all. And you already found out yourself what happens when you read from the Bible. Nothing. And you know why? Because I’m not evil. I mean you no harm. All I want is your help to solve this problem in a different and much more mutually beneficial way.”

“You sure talk a lot.”

“It’s been three hundred years without somebody to talk to. So sue me. No, this lady is the one who’s all talk. And, besides, how can I possibly be afraid of somebody wearing a dress that ugly?”

“Darrak—” Rosa began, “I say your true name in order to bind you.”

“You told her my name?” Darrak asked with annoyance.

She frowned. “Aren’t you supposed to be… binded, or whatever, now?”

“Bound. And no. Not so much.”

Rosa’s forehead creased. “Does the malevolent presence not acknowledge his true name?”

Eden shifted nervously in her seat. “Doesn’t seem to.”

“Darrak,” Rosa said again. “I bind you, you filthy spirit.”

“See, now she’s just being a bitch about it,” Darrak said.

Eden rolled her eyes. “This isn’t working.”