him?”
“I think you’re right.” Sascha put down her mug. “I came into his life at a time when he was pure anger— after he lost his sister. I never knew him as he was before. Maybe part of that Dorian is coming back.”
“He hasn’t stopped being angry.” Talin watched that golden head as he bent to pick up one of the twins and throw him over his shoulder.
“No.” There was profound sadness in Sascha’s voice, until Talin could almost feel the pain of it in her own heart. Then the cardinal shook her head. “But enough about Dorian. He’ll probably snarl at us both for daring to care.” A small smile. “How about you tell me what’s bothering you?”
Talin wasn’t surprised at the other woman’s perceptiveness. “I’m mated to Clay.”
“I know.”
“How can that have happened?” she asked, frantic. “I’m sick and—” And she’d been selfish. “I wanted him to love me, but I never intended to kill him.”
“When I was going through the mating dance with Lucas,” Sascha said, sympathy in every syllable, “Tammy told me the process is different for every couple. What does seem consistent though is that the female has to accept the bond in some way for it to come into being.”
“But I didn’t! I would have never willingly put him in that kind of danger!”
“Um, Talin, this is kind of personal, but Lucas says you smell of Clay.”
Talin blushed, put down her coffee. “So? We’re intimate, but obviously sex isn’t all it takes.”
“Well…”
“Tell me the truth. I promise I won’t jump down your throat again and accuse you of invading my privacy.” She was starting to understand that Sascha couldn’t block everything—because her gift was in her skin, in her blood, in her every breath.
“Sex isn’t everything, but in your case, sex is intertwined with the core of who you are. I’m guessing you were hurt with it—it was a damaging thread, but a thread that ran through your life.”
“You’re saying having sex with Clay was an acceptance on my part?”
“It wasn’t just sex, was it? I don’t know what happened but whatever it was, the mating bond took it as a resounding ‘yes.’”
Talin thought back to the first time she and Clay had made love—yes, made love, not had sex—to that moment when she’d felt the inexplicable vibration in her soul. That night, she had surrendered to Clay with every part of her. She had trusted him with her soul. But she had never meant to steal his. “Oh, God,” she whispered. “It’ll destroy him if I die.”
“So fight to live.”
Talin had already made that choice. “We’ve scheduled appointments with medical people Tammy recommended.” She would try, would fight, but she also knew that a dying brain was not an easy thing to fix. The best the doctors might be able to do was give her a little more time. “Is there anything you can do? I’ll let you into my mind if you want.” Her pride was nothing compared to missing out on a lifetime with Clay.
Sascha shook her head, her concern unhidden. “Your shields are impenetrable and so instinctive, they’re nothing you can manipulate. I think it’s going to take years for you to let them down with anyone but Clay.”
“It was worth a try.” She stared out at the children, fighting back tears. She wondered what Clay and her babies would have looked like. Her throat threatened to close up and this time, it wasn’t anything deadly, but a painful knot of emotion.
“That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying to find ways to help,” Sascha said, jaw a determined line. “You’re Pack and DarkRiver never abandons its own.”
Talin had once envied Clay that sense of ultimate acceptance but now found herself unsure. “I’m not exactly good at the family stuff.”
Sascha laughed and it was a joyous, infectious sound. “Welcome to the club.”
“I’m an idiot.” She felt her lips curve, despite the fear inside her soul. If she died, Clay wouldn’t make it. She knew he wouldn’t. It wasn’t anything either of them could change and it had nothing to do with courage. They were simply too deeply linked. If one fell, so would the other.
The unfairness of it made her want to scream bloody murder—she and her beautiful leopard had paid their dues a hundred times over. “How did you do it?” she asked Sascha. “How did you learn to be in a family?” She had to learn, too. Pack was important to Clay, and whatever time they had left, she wanted him happy.
“There’s not much choice with these cats,” Sascha responded. “They have a way of accepting you that’s pretty hard to resist.”
Something bit Talin’s bare toe. Yelping, she looked down. “Good Lord, how adorable are you?” Reaching down, she picked up the leopard cub.
Sascha leaned over and kissed his nose. “Hello, Roman.”
The cub butted his head against Sascha, but seemed content to remain in Talin’s arms. Stroking her hand down the cub’s fur, she felt him purr as he lay there. Her and Clay’s child would have been able to shift, she thought, would have had fur as soft. Such intense emotion seared through her that it hurt. “Did you get tired, baby?”
A nod of his head.
Amazed at the beauty of this creature she held, she looked up and met Sascha’s eyes. “Like I said,” the cardinal murmured, “they make it very hard not to be family.”
CHAPTER 46
An hour later, having talked it over with Clay, Talin made sure Jonquil was included in the conference call they placed to Dev. Noor was engrossed in a board game upstairs, having become fast friends with Julian and Roman. Dorian had volunteered to continue babysitting. He seemed to have developed a soft spot for the shy little girl.
Good, she thought, with painful practicality. That meant Noor would be loved no matter what. As for Jon… he’d be okay. He wasn’t as trusting as Noor, but his spirit was full of a warrior bravery she knew he didn’t see. But she did—because Clay had been the same at that age. That thought in mind, she reached out and rubbed Jon’s hair. It was now military short, the stunning white-gold dyed black.
He’d taken a seat on the floor, his back to the armchair where she sat. Clay was standing behind her, arms braced on the same armchair. She smiled. She was happy at this moment and she gloried in the sensation. Everyone she cared for—even Max—was safe. “You have any questions?” she asked Jon.
He leaned against her leg. “It’s weird to think we have Psy blood. It makes us mutts, I guess.”
She laughed. “Hey, watch who you call a mutt.”
Smiling, he wrapped one arm around her leg. Clay tugged at her ponytail and when she looked up, he bent down to kiss her. One touch and he was in her soul, in her deepest, most secret heart.
His response was a nip to her lower lip that promised all sorts of things once they were alone. Another burst of happiness taking root in her heart, she looked back down—to find Jon watching her and Clay, those amazing violet eyes carefully neutral. “You’ll need contact lenses,” she said. “At least for a while.” His eyes were too unique.
His expression didn’t change. “Sure.”
Recognizing that his protective walls had gone up, and able to guess why—he was afraid of losing her to Clay, to DarkRiver—she gentled her voice. Jon hadn’t ever had anyone stick by him, didn’t quite understand that he, too, was now part of the pack. “About being mutts,” she said, “the truth is, I never knew who my parents were. At least now, I know something of my genetic history.”
The Shine records had listed the name of her mother, though they had been unable to trace her father. Talin had no intention of making contact with the woman. She had no need to chase love, not when she was adored by a predator who would take on the world for her. But…“I think knowing is better than not knowing, don’t you?”
“Even if what we learn isn’t something we want to know?”
“Haven’t you ever wondered why you can do the things you can do?”
