awful.' Somehow, just then, this seemed the worst thing of all.
He simply held her.
After a while Bonnie got her breath. She found she was holding on to Matt almost painfully tightly and loosened her arms. 'I got your shirt all wet,' she said apologetically, sniffling.
'It doesn't matter.'
Something in his voice made her step back and look at him. He looked the way he had in the high school parking lot. So lost, so… hopeless.
'Matt, what is it?' she whispered. 'Please.'
'I told you already,' he said. He was looking away into some immeasurable distance. 'Sue's lying in there dead, and she shouldn't be. You said it yourself, Bonnie. What kind of world is it that lets a thing like that happen? That lets a girl like Sue get murdered for kicks, or kids in Afghanistan starve, or baby seals get skinned alive? If that's what the world is like, what does anything matter? It's all over anyway.' He paused and seemed to come back to himself. 'Do you understand what I'm talking about?'
'I'm not so sure.' Bonnie didn't even think she wanted to. It was too scary. But she was overwhelmed by an urge to comfort him, to wipe that lost look from his eyes. 'Matt, I—'
'We're finished,' Stefan said from behind them.
As Matt looked toward the voice the lost look seemed to intensify. 'Sometimes I think we're
Stefan approached the corner house reluctantly, almost afraid of what he might find. He half expected that Damon would have abandoned his post by now. He'd probably been an idiot to rely on Damon in the first place.
But when he reached the backyard, there was a shimmer of motion among the black walnut trees. His eyes, sharper than a human's because they were adapted for hunting, made out the darker shadow leaning against a trunk.
'You took your time getting back.'
'I had to see the others home safe. And I had to eat.'
'Animal blood,' Damon said contemptuously, eyes fixed on a tiny round stain on Stefan's T-shirt. 'Rabbit, from the smell of it. That seems appropriate somehow, doesn't it?'
'Damon—I've given Bonnie and Meredith vervain too.'
'A wise precaution,' Damon said distinctly, and showed his teeth.
A familiar surge of irritation welled up in Stefan. Why did Damon always have to be so difficult? Talking with him was like walking between land mines.
'I'll be going now,' Damon continued, swinging his jacket over one shoulder. 'I've got business of my own to take care of.' He tossed a devastating grin over his shoulder. 'Don't wait up.'
'Damon.' Damon half turned, not looking but listening. 'The last thing we need is some girl in this town screaming 'Vampire!' ' Stefan said. 'Or showing the signs, either. These people have been through it before; they're not ignorant.'
'I'll bear that in mind.' It was said ironically, but it was the closest thing to a promise Stefan had ever gotten from his brother in his life.
'And, Damon?'
'Now what?'
'Thank you.'
It was too much. Damon whipped around, his eyes cold and uninviting, a stranger's eyes.
'Don't expect anything of me, little brother,' he said dangerously. 'Because you'll be wrong every time. And don't think you can manipulate me, either. Those three humans may follow you, but I won't. I'm here for reasons of my own.'
He was gone before Stefan could gather words for a reply. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Damon never listened to anything he said. Damon never even called him by name. It was always the scornful 'little brother.'
And now Damon was off to prove how unreliable he was, Stefan thought. Wonderful. He'd do something particularly vicious just to show Stefan he was capable of it.
Wearily, Stefan found a tree to lean against and slid down it to look at the night sky. He tried to think about the problem at hand, about what he'd learned tonight. The description Vickie had given of the killer. Tall, blond hair and blue eyes, he thought—that seemed to remind him of someone. Not someone he'd met, but someone he'd heard about…
It was no use. He couldn't keep his mind on the puzzle. He was tired and lonely and in desperate need of comfort. And the stark truth was that there was no comfort to be had.
Elena, he thought, you lied to me.
It was the one thing she'd insisted on, the one thing she'd always promised. 'Whatever happens, Stefan, I'll be with you. Tell me you believe that.' And he had answered, helpless in her spell, 'Oh, Elena, I believe it. Whatever happens, we'll be together.'
But she had left him. Not by choice maybe, but what did that matter in the end? She had left him and gone away.
There were times when all he wanted was to follow her.
Think about something else, anything else, he told himself, but it was too late. Once unleashed, the images of Elena swirled around him, too painful to bear, too beautiful to push away.
The first time he'd kissed her. The shock of dizzy sweetness when his mouth met hers. And after that, shock after shock, but at some deeper level. As if she were reaching down to the core of himself, a core he'd almost forgotten.
Frightened, he'd felt his defenses tear away. All his secrets, all his resistance, all the tricks he used to keep other people at arm's length. Elena had ripped through them all, exposing his vulnerability.
Exposing his soul.
And in the end, he found that it was what he wanted. He wanted Elena to see him without defenses, without walls. He wanted her to know him for what he was.
Terrifying? Yes. When she'd discovered his secret at last, when she'd found him feeding on that bird, he had cringed in shame. He was sure that she'd turn away from the blood on his mouth in horror. In disgust.
But when he looked into her eyes that night, he saw understanding. Forgiveness. Love.
Her love had healed him.
And that was when he knew they could never be apart.
Other memories surged up and Stefan held on to them, even though the pain tore into him like claws. Sensations. The feel of Elena against him, supple in his arms. The brush of her hair on his cheek, light as a moth's wing. The curve of her lips, the taste of them. The impossible midnight blue of her eyes.
All lost. All beyond his reach forever.
But Bonnie had reached Elena. Elena's spirit, her soul, was still somewhere near.
Of anyone, he should be able to summon it. He had Power at his command. And he had more right than anyone to seek her.
He knew how it was done. Shut your eyes. Picture the person you want to draw near. That was easy. He could see Elena, feel her, smell her. Then call them, let your longing reach out into the emptiness. Open yourself and let your need be felt.
Easier still. He didn't give a damn about the danger. He gathered all his yearning, all his pain, and sent it out searching like a prayer.
And felt… nothing.
Only void and his own loneliness. Only silence.
His Power wasn't the same as Bonnie's. He couldn't reach the one thing he loved most, the one thing that mattered to him.
He had never felt so alone in his life.
