being repeated in so much the same way as their first evening together. She looked up at him silently, then they exchanged places.
No matter how firmly Mary had resolved to get through this without breaking down and touching him, it was like it always was. She stood beside him and crossed her arms over her stomach to keep her hands off him. He began the milking, then raised his eyes to her, and they looked at each other while the steady rhythm of the milk fell into the pail, Aaron not needing to watch it to know where it would fall. 'Aaron, I'm not very strong-willed,' she confessed. 'That's because you love me, Mary,' he said.
But she drew her fists up and pressed them against her temples, saying, 'Don't say that, Aaron.' And she stepped back a step, as if by moving away from him she could combat her feelings. 'I have to get over it, that's all.' 'Tell me about the baby, Mary. I've got to know.'
He stood up and lifted the pail safely away while the cow moved toward the door, separating him and Mary for a moment. When it was quiet and they stood facing each other again, she said simply, 'The baby is yours, Aaron.'
He heard it many times, though she said it only once. It seemed to resound off the barn walls, and the more he heard it, the weaker he became, until he thought he'd drop the pail of milk. So he set it down on the floor.
Then, like a fighter who has suddenly had the wind knocked from him, Aaron's breath swooped out. 'Jesus Christ.'
He covered the space between them in a leap, lifting her off her feet. He held her suspended, crushed against his chest, and swayed back and forth with her until she felt an ache in her groin from hanging that way so long. 'Put me down, Aaron. It hurts,' she said against his neck.
He reacted swiftly, guiltily, setting her on her feet and turning her loose in one swift movement. 'Oh, Mary, I'm sorry. Are you all right?' He looked like the ache had struck him instead of her, and he dropped one big hand to her belly, covering it and her own two hands that were pressing it. 'Yes. It's all right,' she assured him. 'I just have to move a little slower to keep that from happening lately.'
She stepped back then and started talking before he could reach for her again. 'Aaron, I wanted you to know about it first…before Jonathan. He doesn't know yet, but now I'll be telling him. After that, I'm not ever going to talk about it with you again.' 'But, Mary, it's my…'
She cut him off. 'Let me finish this, Aaron, or I never will. There's only one way it can be. Jonathan hasn't touched me since he came back, so he'll know the baby isn't his. I won't have to tell him so. But I'm going to promise him it won't ever happen again between you and me, and I'm going to try with all my might to keep that promise.' 'You can't mean this, Mary,' Aaron said. But she stopped him again by rushing on. 'I have to mean it, Aaron. There's no way you and I could live, trying to get over the disgrace, if we admitted the baby is yours.' 'There are other places we can live besides Todd County,' he said. 'There's no place,' she said with finality. 'The hell there isn't,' Aaron argued, half in supplication and half in anger. 'We knew it when we started,' she said. 'When we started, I didn't know this would happen. It changes everything.' 'It doesn't change the fact that I'm Jonathan's wife.' 'But it's my child.' 'At his request,' she stated, hating herself for having to say it. 'Are you saying you believe all that hypocritical claptrap he threw at us that I owed him this? Or are you saying you made love with me because he asked you to?' His facial muscles were drawn up hard, and it hurt her that he'd be- come angry. 'No, Aaron. Oh, don't be angry. I didn't say you owed the child to Jonathan. I…I'm pregnant because I love you and not because Jonathan asked what he did. But I have to get over it and make a new life with Jonathan.' 'And my baby?' he asked simply.
But she dared not look up or answer. 'I'm asking about my baby,' he repeated. 'Can you look at me and say you want to give my baby to another man?'
Tears came to her eyes, and she pleaded, 'Don't, Aaron.'
But he pulled her chin up with his hand and she was forced to meet the hurt in his eyes. 'Don't, Aaron?' he asked quietly. 'Don't fight for my life? It's my life you're carrying, and you say you're going to give it away to another man.' 'It's not just another man. It's your brother. How could we be allowed to live in peace, knowing-'
His words covered hers again, though. 'Brother be damned! At least we'd be living. Apart, we're dead.' 'What would we tell the child when he grows up?' 'The truth,' he answered. 'That he's ours because we loved each other.' 'While I was married to your brother?'
They stood with their eyes locked, the weight of her question pressing on their consciences. 'We can go away to another state. It's a big country. We can live anywhere in it.' 'How?' she asked. 'I have some money,' he said, 'and the house.' 'Do you believe Jonathan will pay you for your house so you can run away with me?'
They stood in hurtful silence together, slowly realizing that she was right. 'You tried the city once, Aaron, but you told me how you hated it. It's farming that's your way of life. How could you go away from the farm? This is where your life is.'
He came near her again and placed his hand gently on her stomach. 'This is where my life is. How can I live here without it and you?'
In the end she was the stronger of them. She pushed him gently away, saying, 'Even if I learn to love Jonathan again, it won't mean I loved you less. I'm telling him tonight about the baby, and everything will change after I do.'
She slipped out the barn door then, and was gone. He stood there with everything aching in him.
It was dark when Jonathan went up to bed. Mary was already there, but no lamp was lit. He felt his familiar way up the stairs and undressed. When he got into bed beside her, something told him that she was still awake. After he had sighed his usual bedtime sigh and settled onto his back, she coughed softly in the dark. It was quiet for a while before her voice came to him. 'Jonathan?' 'Ahuh,' he grunted.
She lay with the blood pounding in her ears, her throat tight, and her palms damp. He could hear her breath, short and shallow, and he knew before she said it what she had to tell him. When she didn't go on, he turned his head to- ward her in the dark. 'What?' 'I'm going to have a baby.'
With the words came a sharp pain of disappointment that caught at her hammering heart, giving her voice a catch. After all the years of waiting to tell her husband this, telling him now was empty, bitter. 'I reckon I knew it already,' he said, and her relief was great.
She wondered what all he'd guessed about herself and Aaron, but still didn't really want to know. 'It's what I wanted,' Jonathan said. 'Yes.' 'I'll be…' Here he swallowed. 'It'll be ours. I mean, people won't question that I'm the father,' he said, telling her that he knew the child was Aaron's.
She was silent, guilty. 'It's okay,' Jonathan assured her, but, less than assured himself, felt the truth swiftly burn through him as if a new rope had sizzled through the slack grip of his innards. 'It's okay,' he repeated.
But Mary lay beside him thinking nothing would ever be okay again. She'd been squandered by her husband, had compromised herself, and had denied Aaron the right to claim his baby. How could conceiving a child in the midst of such deception be okay?
Mary slept fitfully at last, but when she did, Aaron was there in front of her. He held his arms out and smiled at her, an invitation to his embrace. She ran a few steps toward him, but Jonathan came riding across her dream on the back of a large black bull. The bull came between her and Aaron, and she knew it would charge her if she took another step.
'Be careful, Mary,' Jonathan warned. 'Be careful with my baby.' 'It's my baby,' came Aaron's hollow voice from beyond the bull. The bull and its rider blocked Aaron from her sight, but she could hear him calling that hollow cry over and over again, and soon the cry was mixed with her own and with the laughter of Jonathan as he sat on the bull's back. The confusion of sound grew to a great din, and the bull became riled and wild and he charged off in a strange direction to- ward a waiting green field of hay, taking Jonathan with him. It was a long way to run to Aaron and she ran and ran and it hurt her distended stomach but she knew that when she reached him the hurt would be gone…I'm coming, Aaron…She held her belly to keep the pain away…Aaron's arms were so near…but just as she reached him she found herself confronted by an army of potato bugs and she slapped crazily as they neared her ankles.
Her dream actions lapped over into semiconscious brush- ings that roused Jonathan. He awoke Mary, but he was too sleepy to wonder what had caused her to thrash around, and she was left alone once again.
