side, coiling about his head and shoulders, caressing his warm skull while they let the anguished past in to be cleansed.
'What did she look like?'
She closed her eyes, remembering.
'She had a perfect cap of dark, dark hair, just like yours…' Her fingers knew again that hair, finding it crisp now at his temples, while she rued each wasted year that had grayed him and thinned her and kept them from knowing these changes daily. 'And gray eyes in a face with the tiniest, most perfect mouth I'd ever seen. I
only got to hold her once.' 331
'Rachel… Rachel…' His tortured words were muffled against her, and she saw again the rosebud mouth of the child they had created together, while the pain billowed within them both. 'Our baby…' he murmured-a prayer now. 'I wanted her… took you both away from me… my Rachel… all these years…'
They had only one means of solace to offer each other, and as his mouth, hands, and body moved over her in recompense, her heart cried and sang at once. Their lovemaking was fierce this time, an attempt to dissolve a past that could never be dissolved, for when they came together in cataclysm, that past bound them more surely than vows.
The bedside clock read 3:18. The lamp glowed softly on two dark heads and across the yellow and white bamboo-designed sheets that covered Rachel's breasts as she lay tucked in the shelter of Tommy Lee's arm. He was propped against a cache of ruffled pillows, smoking, her temple pressed to his slow-thudding heart.
'And what happens now, Rachel?' he asked, staring at the surface of the pool beyond the open shades.
'I don't know.'
He took a deep, thoughtful drag, and she heard the air enter his lungs beneath her ear. 'Then I'll tell you. You marry me, the way you should have twenty-four years ago.'
Her fingers stopped combing the coarse hair on his chest. How simple things became in the throes of passion; how complex upon reconsideration.
'Oh, Tommy Lee, how can I marry you?'
'Do you mean, what would people say?' His voice held a honed edge as he rested a wrist across an updrawn knee.
What would people say? She had pushed the question aside all night, but now it pressed for an answer. 'Owen's only been dead for a few months.'
'And the fact still remains that I've had three wives and a stable of lovers the whole county knows about, and I've spent a hell of a lot of years drinking like there was no tomorrow, and you're scared it set a pattern I can't break, is that right?'
She tried to sit up, but he held her fast.
'Rachel, don't run away. Did you 333 think I kept after you for nothing more than a roll in the hay, and now that I've had it I'll let you walk out of my life again?'
'I didn't think that, I just-was Just what? Needed my sexual thirst slaked? Wanted to see if I could still bring Tommy Lee Gentry to heel? Am I so shallow that I'd use him, then toss him aside, knowing all along how vulnerable he is where I'm concerned? Slowly she pushed herself up. He let her go this time, watching her naked back curl and the side of one breast slip into view as she doubled her arms across her updrawn knees.
'You just what, Rachel?' His voice sounded brittle, hurt already.
Miserably she dropped her forehead onto her arms and shrugged.
'You don't have much faith in my reformation, do you?'
She felt small and guilty while silently admitting the truth.
'Well, you would if you could crawl inside my body and know what I've felt for you all these years. Without you nothing and nobody mattered. Now
everything is possible. Don't you understand, Rachel? Even I matter now.'
She lifted her head and stared at the wall, torn by his words. 'We have to be honest with ourselves. Are you sure we aren't just… just searching for our lost youth in each other?'
He studied her naked rump, the delicate shadow disappearing down its center, the sheet caught in the fold of her hip. He drew deeply on his cigarette, forced his eyes away from her so he could think more clearly. 'I can't answer for you, but I know how it is for me. If it had happened overnight I might suspect that was true. But I told you before, it's been going on for twenty-four years, every time I'd see you on the street or in your car or going into your daddy's bank.'
At the mention of her daddy, Rachel's head swung around and their eyes clashed momentarily before she turned away again. He worked the edges of his teeth together, then studied the glowing tip of the cigarette while drawing circles with it on the bottom of the ashtray. 'You're still scared of him, aren't you, Rachel?' he asked quietly.
Was she? She didn't want to think so, but she
couldn't deny how much she hated the thought of 335 all the strife there was bound to be if her father found out about tonight. And there was a facet of her misgivings that Rachel had been afraid to examine too closely up until now, because she didn't want to believe it might be true. But she could hold it inside no longer.
'By marrying me, you'd show them all, wouldn't you, Tommy Lee? You'd have your revenge for what they forced us to do all those years ago?' It was a thorn that had pricked each time he'd called, each time she'd seen him over the past several months. No, she didn't want to believe it, but wasn't it possible?
'Is that what you think, Rachel? That I'm only using you to get back at them?'
She covered her face with both hands and shook her head until her hair fluttered. 'Oh, God, I don't know what to think. All of this would be so much simpler if you'd made your peace with your parents, and if they'd made their peace with mine. But everything's so… so complicated!'
His warm palm caressed her back, sending shivers around her ribs to the tips of her breasts. 'There are some things I can't change. But those that
I can, I have. I love you, Rachel… for yourself, and for no other reason. And that's why I want to marry you. You've got to believe that. You're the only thing I ever wanted… not other women, not… not liquor and fast cars and shiny boats and-was He broke off and dropped his head back wearily, letting his eyes slip closed and swallowing noisily. 'Oh, God, Rachel, I'm so tired of being that way. I need you in my life to give me some peace at last.'
A sob escaped her throat as she whirled and flung herself into his arms. He caressed her head, embracing her with a strength close to fury, shutting his eyes against the thought of facing more Rachel-less years, now that he'd come this close.
'Oh, Tommy Lee, I'm so mixed up. Sometimes I don't think I deserve you. You've been more faithful to me than a husband in a lot of ways, no matter how many women you've known.'
'There haven't been any others since the day of Owen's funeral. Nobody but you, Rachel. I love you so much… do you really think I'd blow it all now that I stand a chance of having both you and
Beth in my life again?' 337
There came a time when trust had to take its rightful place in a relationship. He had changed. Dramatically. And if he thought the changes were permanent, her belief in him could be all he'd need to make it true. She thought about all he'd said that first night he'd come to her house, the years of misery he'd suffered. She thought about the house he'd built, the hope that had spawned such a task-and there wasn't a doubt in her mind that he loved her. So wasn't it time she began believing in the wonders love could work?
His voice rumbled quietly beneath her ear again. 'You said you love me. Is that true, Rachel?'
'Yes…' She squeezed him mightily. 'Oh, God, yes. I'm falling in love with you harder than the first time, and it's the scariest thing I've ever gone through in my life.'
'Then we'll have to face some things… some people. But it'll work out, you'll see,' he promised, then set the ashtray on the bedside table and settled back against the pillows, cradling her again, catching his chin on top of her head. She let his confidence imbue her, and lay in his protective embrace while peace settled
over them like a soothing palm.
The minutes slipped by, and his hand moved absently in her hair. 'You know,' he murmured, 'she's old enough to have kids of her own already. Do you realize that? Somewhere in Michigan we might have grandchildren.'
She chuckled tiredly against him. 'Oh, Tommy Lee, I don't think I'm ready to be a grandma yet. I surely don't feel like one tonight.'
