it was in. Malice went and oversaw a quiet cremation outside the camp, and I'd figured it would be rude to invite myself along. She hadn't said anything, but there was an unspoken accusation in her eyes as she wandered off:
You brought us out here.
This is your fault.
I told myself I'd imagined it. I told myself they were all mercenaries who'd known the dangers, and it was a little late in the day to start complaining about the risk when two were already dead and one mangled to shit.
It didn't help.
So. Me and Nate. Warm and full of food (still chowing, in fact, on a second portion of everything to make-up for the stuff I puked first time round). And again the old bastard's jaw was lolling, cheeks pinned-back in a rictus- smile, pupils dilated big enough to turn his eyes inside-out.
'What's the plan what's the plan what's the plaaan?' He said, giggling, wobbling around like he was dancing to some silent beat. 'Got any more burns? Need a burn? Needaburnneedaburn?'
I stopped chewing. Looked at him and shook my head.
I guessed… oh, sod it. I guessed now was as good a time as any.
I put down my bowl.
'Look at you,' I said. 'Nate. Seriously. Look at yourself.'
'Eh?'
'You're bombed. You're off your face, mate.'
It took him a while to react, and his smiling face crumpled like a hollow mountain.
'Am not!' He shouted, far too loud, standing and pointing. 'Am fucking not!'
I just stared, getting bored. Eventually he sat down.
'We had a deal.' I said quietly, slurping on more of the homebrewed beer. He reacted jerkily, like he couldn't control his own defence.
'Yeah? Yeah, so?'
'So I paid you good scav and I kept you alive. Right? You were in pigshit up to your neck after the airport.'
'I know that! Did I say I didn't know it? Fuck you, m…'
'And all you had to do in return was play at being a doctor.'
I picked up my bowl again and spooned some potatoes into my mouth. Tasted good. Ignored the old man's rolling eyes and hurt silence.
'And… and I haaaave!' He yelped, like a kicked puppy dog. 'Didn't I? Didn't I? I've done good! Patched you up over and over. You know it, you know it, you know it!'
I glared.
'Yeah. And Nike's in a Winnebago over there with his legs shot to shit, and you haven't lifted a hand to help.'
Nate's lips moved. Searching for words.
'But… H-hold it, he's… but…'
'But he's not part of the deal? Is that it?'
'No! No, I just… I thought your, your Injuns here would take care and…'
'Some doctor, Nate.'
We sat in silence for a long time then; darkness spreading above us, fire drooling embers upwards.
'The Secretariat.' I said, eventually.
'Wh… What?'
I sighed, shaking my head. 'Oh, nothing. Just thinking. Our little deal. Never seemed quite right to me.'
'But… I don't understand. What's…?'
'You didn't seem to get much out of it, I mean. I was wondering why you were sticking with me, to be honest. Now I know.'
He looked suddenly angry, thick sarcasm souring his voice. 'Oh, you know. You know, do you? The fuck do you know? You gonna make shit up and say you know, then you can kiss m…'
'The Secretariat. I sent you downstairs. Told you to go help the others find the kids.'
His eyes went narrow. Chin jutting. 'S-so?'
'So that's the only time you could've found that shit.' I pointed at the pack next to his knees, unsurprised to see his fingers coiled securely through its handle. 'Stole it from the Choirboys, didn't you?'
He almost exploded, hugging the bag to himself as he stood and shrieked, irrational and embarrassing. 'The fuck's wrong with that?' He snarled. 'The fuck's wrong with thaaaat? You saying, you saying I shouldn't steal from them assholes?'
'Course not. I'm saying don't steal shit that'll turn you into a prick. Sit down.'
'Fuck y…'
'Or, don't steal shit that'll bring an army of motherfuckers chasing after you. Sit down, Nate.'
'That's not why they're comi…'
'Or even better, don't steal shit when you're an ex-junkie.'
Quiet.
He sat.
'Tell you what I think,' I said, feeling sharp things moving in my words but not caring. Bella's face was swimming behind my eyelids, and for some reason it made me angry. 'I think you never quit.'
'What?'
'Back in London. You used to live there, you said. You said you quit, remember?'
He didn't say a word.
'I think maybe you were telling half a truth there, mate. I think what actually happened is, the supply ran out. Tough call, getting smack right after The Cull.' His white eyes dipped, firelight reflecting. 'But then along comes the Clergy and tells you they can fix you up, sort you out. All you got to do is clear off stateside and look after some kiddies on the way through…'
'That's… wasn't like that…'
'And for a couple of years it's all gravy. Probably wasn't even smack they gave you, right? Some weird new military shit. Am I right? Even better. Double the high.
'Then some dumb English fuck arrives and screws the whole gig, and before you know it you're out on your ear. Right? Am I right?'
He was just staring at the fire, face closed-down. Nothing to say. Nothing to deny.
I noticed a stain on his trousers and wondered if he'd even noticed he'd pissed himself.
He swallowed and looked up at me. 'I… I just…'
'Why should you stay with me? Oh, fuck, there was all that shit about me protecting your life, blah blah. Didn't buy it for a second, mate. But then we get to the Secretariat and bang, you've got right what you wanted. That big case right there. And I'm thinking… That's a big place. How did he find it? Unless maybe he knew where to look…'
'J-Jesus…'
'And that makes me wonder how you knew we'd be going to the Secretariat at all.'
His eyes gave it away. In the end.
Flicked away from my face. A split second, no more, to the green sack hanging on my shoulder.
The penny dropped.
'The map…' I said, kicking myself. 'Fuck. Of course. Of course.'
I always knew he looked through my bag, back at the start, as I lay dying on the tarmac. I assumed he'd lusted after the booze, the Bliss…
But no. He went straight to the map. The New York City map, marked with a bloody-red ring around the UN Headquarters.
'So you saw where I was heading… Right? And you thought… Well now… Maybe I'll just… tag along?'
I glanced up.
He stared.
'You didn't even have the guts to tell me the truth, Nate.'
