“It’s great that you’re so nice to him,” Melissa had said.
“He’s nice to me, too. We don’t feel sorry for each other. I like hanging out with him.”
“How bad is his face?”
“It’s awful. You wouldn’t even know he was human.”
“Wow. That’s really tragic. Nobody should have to live like that, no matter how they look.”
Toby brushed her hair out of her face as he felt his orgasm approach. He did this every time. It somehow seemed more romantic than saying, “Just thought I should let you know that I’m about to come in your mouth.”
As always, she pulled away and finished him off with her hand. They’d cuddle and talk for a while, and then when he was ready they’d move on to intercourse. They were in something of a rut, he had to admit, but as far as ruts went it was a pretty enjoyable one.
“So tell him I want to meet him.”
“I have.”
“Tell him again.”
“I will.”
“He’s probably in desperate need of some action. Maybe I’ll let you guys double up on me.”
Toby gaped at her, horrified. The visual image this brought to mind was immensely distasteful, even in a brain that was filled with unpleasant images.
“I was joking!” she said. “Wow, Mr. Serious, I think you need to lighten up. You’re the only stud for me. But while we’re on the subject, Tina said that you’re massively hot and asked if I’d share you with her sometime.”
“Really?”
“No. That’s two threesome jokes you’ve fallen for in about ten seconds. You make this way too easy, Toby.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“This is her sweater,” Toby said, handing the garment to Owen, who let the red sweater dangle from his talon, apparently unsure what to do with it.
“Smell it.” Toby took the arm of the sweater and pressed it to his own nose to demonstrate. “Take a big whiff. You’re going to meet her and I want you to know her scent.”
Owen pressed the sweater against his face and inhaled.
“Nice, huh? She always smells great. Remember that Melissa is a friend. Friend. Not food. Don’t show her your teeth. If the two of you get along, maybe you can have somebody else to spend time with. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?”
Yes.
Toby took out his Polaroid camera. “Say cheese. Don’t smile.”
Toby figured that, considering the delicate nature of the situation, he couldn’t just lead Melissa out to the cave and hope that she was okay with the idea of Owen being a hideous beast instead of a burned human. He knew Owen would never do anything to harm somebody that Toby cared about, but still, having their first meeting start off with a shriek of terror would be undesirable.
He wasn’t sure if he should tell Melissa the true story before or after sex. Probably after. She’d be more relaxed.
“There’s something I need to tell you about Owen,” he said, kissing her neck afterward.
“He doesn’t exist?”
“No, he exists. He’s just not what I told you he was.”
“He’s a ghost?”
“I’m being serious. Owen is…he’s sort of like a pet, except that I don’t own him or anything like that. He isn’t a person. I don’t know exactly what he is, but he doesn’t live in a cabin, he lives in a cave, and he doesn’t leave the woods because he’s a…I don’t know, I tend to think of him as a ‘monster,’ but that’s not a good way to describe him. He’s an animal.”
“What?”
Toby sat up. He knew this conversation was going to be awkward. “Owen is a big hairy creature with claws and fangs. He can’t talk except for saying my name, but we can communicate through hand signals, sort of like sign language except that we made it up.”
Melissa pulled the sheet up over her chest. “Your friend is a big hairy forest creature?”
“Yeah. Sort of. No, not sort of, it’s completely accurate. Yeah.”
“Is this a joke?”
“Is it funny?”
“No.”
“That’s because it’s not a joke.”
“So, what, you befriended a talking bear? Come on, Toby, you told me you’ve been spending time with your disfigured childhood friend. What the hell kind of conversation are we having? Did you start smoking pot? If you started smoking pot without me, I swear I’ll rip your heart out.”
“No, I’m telling you the truth.” He got out of bed and pulled on his underwear. “I know how it sounds, and you probably think I’m totally weird and creepy, but when you meet Owen you’ll understand.” He picked his blue jeans off the floor and took a folded Polaroid out of the back pocket. “I didn’t expect you to believe me right away, so here’s a picture.”
Melissa took the photograph from him. “Holy shit, Toby! What is that thing? Is that a mask?”
“No. It’s real.”
“Fuck you. You are not friends with that thing.”
“I am. I swear.”
“Come on, Toby, end the joke. There is nothing about this that I believe. If you’ve been cheating on me, just fess up to it instead of making us both look like idiots.”
“I’m not cheating on you. I lost my virginity at twenty-eight-do you think I have a lot of opportunities?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What?”
“Are you saying I’m ugly?”
“Huh? No. No, that’s not what I meant at all. It was just a joke.”
“This seems to be the day for failed jokes. Well, Toby, I’m sorry that your love life sucks. Hopefully in another twenty-eight years you’ll find a nonrepulsive person to have sex with.”
“That’s not what I meant! What the fuck? This discussion isn’t about anything like that! I’m trying to unload a gigantic bombshell about my monster friend!”
“You should leave.”
Toby had expected that the conversation might spiral out of control, but not in this particular manner. “No! Get dressed! We’re going out to see Owen. He’s a big scary monster and you need to meet him. He’s real. We haven’t been dating that long in the grand scheme of things, but we’ve been together long enough that you know I’m just not going to take you out into the woods and have a friend jump out at you with a monster mask, right?”
“Do you love me?”
“Okay, listen, I refuse to let this turn into an argument about the state of our relationship. I refuse. You hear that? Complete and total refusal. The only thing we should be discussing is the lie I’ve been telling you about my grotesquely burned friend! By telling you the truth, I’m trying to take our relationship to the next level, so I guess the answer to your question is yes, I do love you, but that’s not what the fuck we’re supposed to be talking about right now, okay?”
“Why couldn’t you tell me you loved me before?”
“Okay, you know what, I’m going to hang myself. I’m going to find a noose, throw it around my neck, and step right off a chair. Then I’ll be dead, and the madness will be over, and we can all be happy again!”
“Maybe we should continue this tomorrow.”
“Yeah, let’s do that.”
Toby’s doorbell rang at sunrise.
“I’m ready to meet Owen now,” Melissa said.
