'Did you notice that you washed your hands, but then you went ahead and touched the doorknob, which is covered with the residue of a million unwashed hands that touched a million unwashed dicks?'
'Excuse me?'
'I was just kidding.'
'My girlfriend's sitting over there. Tracy! Look who I met in the bathroom!'
Tracy shrieked in terror.
'Mr. Corpse Refused Service'
New York's legendary Baird's Deli apparently doesn't think The Amazing Mr. Corpse is all that amazing! He was refused service this past weekend, and though Mr. Corpse protested, apparently he went home without getting to sample one of the world-famous Baird Burgers!
'I was just concerned about disease,' said Roger Baird. 'In our thirty-two year history we've passed every single inspection with flying colors, and I just thought that a dead body in the restaurant might be a health code violation. It was nothing personal against Mr. Dabernath.'
Mr. Corpse is reportedly planning to sue.
'Look, I'm still the #1 keyword search on Google,' Stanley said, proudly.
'I was looking at some of your fan sites yesterday,' said Veronica. 'Maybe we should have you update your blog twice a day from now on.'
'Nah, I can't type that fast. But take a look at this.' Stanley typed in the URL for the new site he'd discovered, The Mr. Corpse Fraud Exposed. 'It's a list of all the things that prove I'm really some dork in makeup.'
'Wow, I didn't realize that your rot splotches were slightly different on Leno and Letterman.'
'A website wouldn't lie.'
'And legendary makeup artist Tom Savini was reportedly seen putting a box of Mr. Corpse masks in the trunk of his car.'
'Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?'
''Mr. Corpse: The Musical' An Off-Broadway Dud.'
While Mr. Corpse remains the hot topic of discussion around the world, apparently theatre-goers don't want to see the musical. 'Mr. Corpse: The Musical,' which was licensed by Stanley Dabernath but produced without his direct involvement, had a strong opening night but faded fast as critics savaged it as perhaps the worst of the season. Critics cited weak acting, insipid songs, and the generally rushed nature of the production as reasons for its failure. The musical will close on Sunday, one week after it opened.
‹Host› Our chat guest tonight is Stanley Dabernath, the Amazing Mr. Corpse! Are you ready for some questions, Stanley?
‹MrCorpse› Bring them on!
‹CorpseFan10327› anyone here from ca
‹BobBitesBoob› asl?
‹Iluvstanley› hi everyoe
‹Iluvstanley› everyone lol
‹JoeyTaylorIII› whats ur fav movie
‹MrCorpse› Ferris Bueller's Day Off
‹JoeyTaylorIII› whats that
‹CorpseFan10327› anyone here from ca
‹Host› Remember, if you have a question, type? and we'll get to you in order.
‹GothChick666›?
‹MeSoDead› Corpse my man! What's your favorite CD, dawg?
‹GothChick666› fine don't call on me
‹CorpseFan10327› ca anyone???????????
‹Iluvstanley› lol gothchick
‹MrCorpse›***has left the chat***
'Mr. Corpse Not Dead Again'
A widely circulated news story about Mr. Corpse dying again turned out to be satirical. 'Mr. Corpse did not, in fact, die of a broken heart,' said Tyler Williams, editor of the mock news site The Weekly Plum. 'It was a joke. Readers should perhaps be a bit more discerning.' Other news stories currently on the site include 'Dumb-Ass Hurricane Victim Believed God Would Save Him' and 'Weapons of Mass Destruction Found in Olsen Twins' Panties.'
Hey you zit-laden twerp, this is Mr. Corpse himself! How's the view from your mom's basement? I'm glad you're all nice and comfy talking trash about me online (but learn to spell, dipshit) but if we met in person you'd wet yourself, then soil yourself, then start blubbering like a big fat baby, and then soil yourself once more because you're so full of shit that you could handle sixteen or seventeen defecation sessions in a manner of minutes. Go out and get laid, dude! Or at least discover the joys of self-love, if you can lift your fat gut out of the way long enough to tug your wiener. Get a fuckin' life, you pathetic reprehensible sweaty smelly grotesque appalling ignorant morbidly obese sexually confused uni-browed dullard!
'Don't post that,' said Veronica.
'Why not?' asked Stanley with mock innocence. 'He shouldn't have friended me on Facebook if he doesn't want to hear my opinion.'
'I'll kill you if you do.'
'Can I post on his wall if I lower it to twelve or thirteen defecation sessions?'
'No.'
'Meanie.'
Cheers!
…to Mr. Corpse for his clever presentation at the MTV Movie Awards! Mr. Corpse, who gave out the award for 'Best Death Scene,' did his presentation while being digitally inserted into clips from classic zombie films. Our favorite moment: Mr. Corpse's hilariously out-of-step dance with the ghouls in Michael Jackson's 'Thriller.'
'Stop struggling, bitch!'
Henry Sweet smacked the girl across the face as hard as he could. It took a lot to make him angry these days, but her bite had done it. He raised the bloody hatchet as if he were going to bring it down upon her skull.
