The Heart of Memory

slim to none that he’d be able to pay for the rest of her semester, much less therapy.

They talked for a while more, but Shaun was only half there, his thoughts having been turned once again to money. He called the Realtor the minute he was back in his car. “I know we had other places on the list to look at,” he said, “but I don’t want to waste any time. I’ll take the Mountain View suite.”

SAVANNAH HAD BEEN HIDING OUT at home for the last few days. She knew it was silly-what were the chances, really, of running into David? – but since she had no real reason to go out anyway, she let herself cater to her irrational fear. But it had been four days already, and even a now-raging introvert had to get out of the house some time. Besides, she needed new clothes.

Once parked at the mall, she cinched one of Shaun’s hats to a smaller size and pulled it low over her eyes, just to be safe. She headed on auto-pilot for Nordstrom’s, then found herself balking as it came into view. She had grown fond of the comfortable long-sleeved T’s and jeans she’d been borrowing from Jessie. The thought of going back to pantsuits made her twitchy.

She found a directory and scanned the list of stores, then found what she wanted and made her way to the next floor. She smiled when the Eddie Bauer came into view. The first rack of women’s clothing she came to had thick wool sweaters that beckoned to her. She went slowly around the store, selecting things on a comfort scale rather than by the look it created. By the time she was ready to check out, she had enough clothing to last her a week.

She got in the line, which was moving slowly; soon there were people behind her. Suddenly she heard, “Savannah Trover? Is that you?”

Every muscle tensed. She turned and saw a woman she thought she recognized from church – what was her name again? “Oh hey, hi there.”

“I thought that was you. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty well, thanks.”

“Oh, I’m so glad. We were all so worried about you when all that heart business happened.” She leaned in and her voice dropped a couple notches. “You know, I heard the other day that things weren’t going so well for you and Shaun. Is everything alright? Is there anything we can do for you?”

Savannah hoped her fear wasn’t plain on her face. She and Shaun were hardly out together anymore; who would have witnessed the way they could occupy close quarters without even interacting? “Not going well? What do you mean?”

“Well…” The woman looked uncomfortable and Savannah’s irritation grew. “I’d heard you were out on the town with someone-”

“Oh, good Lord.” The woman’s eyebrows shot up, but Savannah was too mad to apologize. “I was not out on the town with anyone. I went out to get some dinner, I was by myself, and I got into a conversation with someone because it was more pleasant than sitting alone. That was it. And you can tell whoever you heard that from that they should be more careful about how they talk about other people.”

“Next please.”

Savannah turned her back on the woman and set her clothes on the counter, thoughts spinning. What if Shaun got wind of this? Who else had seen her that night? Colleen wouldn’t have been the one to spread such a rumor – would she? Or was it the work of some busybody who happened to be in the right place at the right time?

She took her bag and headed for her car, her head not even turning to check out the window when she passed Ann Taylor. Divorce rumors – just what they needed. It looked like, one way or another, she was going to be responsible for the downfall of A &A.

She got in her car and pounded a fist on the steering wheel. How could she have been so stupid? What had she been thinking, going out alone like that? She hadn’t dined out alone once since getting married, and this was one of the reasons why. She had to be above reproach for her ministry; she had to get back out there and be as normal as possible so people didn’t get any ideas. It didn’t matter if she thought God was a joke; she had a family to support, employees depending on her to bring in their income, and she had to do whatever it took-like the book tour – to make sure she didn’t let them down.

She heaved a sigh and stashed her bag in the backseat, then headed back to the mall. She was going to need some new pantsuits. And after that she was going home, getting her laptop, and going to a coffee shop to work on her book tour talk. She was going to give her audience what they were expecting, even if it killed her.

SAVANNAH DROPPED HER LAPTOP BAG to the floor and allowed herself to collapse on the couch. Shopping and writing had drained her-yet another reality she never would have expected to encounter. Even though writing had always been difficult, doing it in public had always made it fun, and the conversations that broke up her time were always energizing. And shopping? Once upon a time it had been like a hobby. Now she felt like she could crawl into bed and not come out for a month.

After a catnap she brought her bags upstairs, then sat on the floor of the closet and cut the tags off her new clothes, frowning at each one. When was the last time she’d purchased anything larger than a size 8? Or anything that didn’t say “Dry Clean Only” on the care label? Only her new blue pantsuit required that. Shaun would be glad to know her new wardrobe would need less maintenance. He was so edgy about money these days.

She was craving a piece of strawberry cake. Who would have guessed chocolate would ever be replaced? Yet another little quirk that separated her from her old self. It seemed that every day revealed yet another change that made her stop and wonder, or brought a new thought she never would have come up with before. At this rate she’d be a completely different person by the time her transplant anniversary rolled around. Either that or she’d be committed somewhere as being insane.

These were the weird little things no one told you about when you got a transplant. She didn’t even see people on the forum talking about it. And because of that, she was afraid to bring it up. What if the surgery had triggered something psychological? What if she really was going crazy?

Or what if she truly was becoming another person? Could that really happen? What would that mean for her marriage, her relationship with Jessie? She chuckled to herself as she dropped another tag into the trash. That was the one relationship that might actually benefit from her being someone else. She and Jessie had nowhere to go but up.

But Shaun… he’d married the Old Savannah. He hadn’t banked on that woman waking up one day and being fundamentally different. Could she really expect him to stay with her? Could anyone fault him for wanting out?

She stood and heaved the mound of clothing into the laundry basket, then pulled on her pajamas and crawled into bed. The stories she’d read and heard about transplant patients always made it sound like their lives started fresh after their surgery. No one ever talked about their life falling apart. But that was what was happening. She couldn’t control the changes she was experiencing, and she couldn’t figure out how to go back to being who she was. And she didn’t want this new self any more than Shaun would. So where did that leave her?

SHAUN BRACED HIMSELF AS HE eased open the door and poked his head into the kitchen. It was dark, the sink empty, no smells of food. The tension in his shoulders remained as he cased out the lower level. All was silent, and he suspected Savannah may already be asleep. He heaved a deep breath and went back to the kitchen to fix himself a quick dinner before going to bed himself.

Ever since he’d realized Savannah had added receipts to his doctored reimbursement form, Shaun had lived in perpetual fear, just waiting for the day she’d confront him on it. So far she had not done anything to indicate that she’d noticed, but he wasn’t about to let down his guard. It made him even more reluctant to come home in the evenings, and he’d taken to killing time in the empty office or at the library just to avoid any unnecessary face time.

After dinner, which he ate with one ear listening for signs of life upstairs, he decided to turn in and get up early so he could be out of the house before Savannah awoke. When he went to the closet to get his pajamas, he saw unfamiliar clothes in the laundry basket. He pulled out a few pieces – a plain dark green long-sleeved T-shirt, a pair of cargo pants. It was the kind of clothing he saw on Jessie, not Savannah. They smelled new. She actually bought this stuff?

I wonder how much it all cost…

He tried not to begrudge her the shopping trip. He hadn’t said anything, but she had definitely gained weight thanks to the prednisone, and he knew she wasn’t wearing Jessie’s old clothes these days just for the heck of it. For someone who had always been so careful about her appearance, she was probably really bothered by the weight gain.

Or maybe she wasn’t. Who could predict Savannah’s reaction to anything these days?