The Heart of Memory

married, I’ve no doubt he’d awaken a desire in me for that.”

Savannah sighed. “See, all that you just said? In my head, I’m just thinking to myself, ‘How pathetic to give God so much credit.’”

Tabitha gave her a look she couldn’t read.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Liar.”

Tabitha smiled. “It’s hard to turn off the psychologist in me, you know? But you didn’t come here to meet with a shrink, you came to meet with a friend who could relate to your pain. So I’m not going to start giving you my professional insights unless you ask.”

“But you’ll think them in your head, is that it?”

“Probably, yes.”

Savannah chuckled. “That’s fine with me.” She snaked a hand out from beneath the warm quilt to grab her coffee before it got too cold. “So what was it like, leaving the faith?”

“Easy at first. I felt so betrayed – by both God and Richard. That made it a lot easier to walk away. And I’d never quite fit in at the church I grew up in, and was always getting hassled by the admin at Christ College, so that all kind of coalesced in my head with the betrayal. I figured it was all just a sham and I was lucky to get out before I lost my whole life into it. You knew how I’d wanted to get out of Colorado; everything that happened gave me the gumption to actually go. My parents were sad I left, but not all that surprised, I don’t think. I didn’t tell them about leaving Christianity until a lot later. I didn’t really have to tell them; they weren’t around to see how I was living.”

Savannah raised her brows. “How were you living?”

Tabitha chuckled. “Not as recklessly as you might think. I’d already gotten hurt once; I didn’t want to put myself in the position of being hurt again. I got a lame minimum-wage job in Savannah – not what I’d wanted to do with my life, but it got me in a different time zone and I was happy enough for that. I rented a room from the Burlington family, just on the edge of the city, and they were the most welcoming and loving people I think I’ve ever met. They practically insisted I join them for dinner every night, and Anna always made me breakfast since Trent and I left for work about the same time. They had a daughter a couple years younger than me, and a son in high school. They were this classic Southern old-money family but with so much heart and sincerity and, as I quickly discovered, tremendous faith. They always invited me to church, and were never pushy about it, but I finally told Anna one night why I left Colorado and that I didn’t believe in God anymore, just so she wouldn’t get her hopes up about me joining them. She started crying – this woman that barely knew me was so broken over my story that she actually cried.” Tabitha chuckled. “You know me, I’m not much of a crier myself, but seeing how much she hurt for me really moved me. So I started crying, and that kind of opened the floodgates. I’d never really let myself grieve over everything that had happened-I buried my hurt, especially about the abortion, and made myself buck up and get on with things so I didn’t have to think about it.”

Savannah grinned. “Reminds me of how doctors always make the worst patients.”

Tabitha laughed. “Exactly! If someone else had done that I’d have been warning them about how that kind of stuffed-down pain can come back to bite you. But in myself, I didn’t see the problem. I just had to get my life back together.

“Anyway, Anna started praying over me – I mean, not just praying for me, but praying over my future and past and my purpose in life… I’d never heard anyone pray like that before. It was almost scary, how the feeling in the room palpably changed. Like it was charged with spiritual energy. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was a serious prayer warrior.” Tabitha smiled. “I didn’t have a chance staying away from God, living with that family. And of course he knew that, hence the reason I was there. And even though I was a little freaked out by the praying, I didn’t want to move out. I didn’t exactly want what she had, but I couldn’t quite get myself to leave it, either. This all happened after I’d been there about a year and a half. It took almost four more years before I was willing to step foot back in church, but when I did God really grabbed me. I met a woman there, Alanna, who had a slightly similar story to mine, and had gone through a period away from the church as well. We started talking, and God gave us the idea of The Refuge. We started it together with the Burlington’s help. That was almost ten years ago now. Alanna ended up getting married and her husband got transferred, so she left about three years ago.”

“And here you are.”

“Here I am.”

“Wow.” Savannah snuggled deeper beneath the quilt. “That’s a really beautiful story, Tabs.”

“All to God’s glory, but thanks.”

Savannah’s cell began to ring in her pocket. She fished it out and saw Marisa’s number on the screen. “Sorry-I should probably take this.” She answered with trepidation. “Hey Marisa, what’s up?”

“Hi, Savannah. Listen, I’m flying out to New York again tomorrow and I’ve got a layover in Atlanta, around one. My plane for New York doesn’t leave until almost 3. Do you think we could meet? I have some stuff from A &A that you need to go through, and I wanted to talk to you about something, in person.”

Savannah frowned. “Well, sure, that’s fine. Let me find out where we can meet and I’ll give you a call back.” They hung up and she told Tabitha about the call. “It’s never good when someone wants to talk to you ‘in person,’ is it?”

“Hmmm… not usually. You never know, though.”

“No, I know Marisa. Good news she can’t keep under her hat.”

“I’ll be praying for your meeting.”

She gave Tabitha a sidelong look and almost asked her not to. But hearing it from her felt different than it had felt from Shaun and Marisa. More sincere, less threatening. Even if she didn’t think it would do any good, it felt good to know her best friend was back at her side.

AT ONE O’CLOCK SAVANNAH ENTERED the Atlanta Bread Company just across the street from the airport. She ordered sweet tea for herself and waited at a table, trying not to feel anxious. Ever since she’d bombed at the book tour gig, her relationship with Marisa had been awkward at best. She’d given up expecting anyone to understand, but Marisa pushed her patience to the limit. Lately Savannah had taken to flat-out lying to get out of seeing her, and had it not been for the “in person” comment she’d have done the same for today.

Savannah grew more nervous as one minute after another passed. She ordered another iced tea and chided herself for her nerves. After all, what was the worst Marisa could have to say?

The more she thought about it the more she wished she hadn’t asked herself that.

Marisa finally appeared at half past one. “I’m sorry I’m late; it took longer to get here than I thought it would.”

Savannah tapped into her new bitter side to deal with her anxiety. “Never mind. What’s one more half hour out of my vacation?” The sarcastic tone was uncomfortable in her mouth, and seeing Marisa become even more flustered made her feel worse. “So,” she said, hoping to move things along quickly so she could get back to The Refuge, “what was so important that we had to have this little meeting?”

Marisa pulled a large yellow envelope from her computer bag. “This is some mail that came for you at A &A. I already sent the form replies to the ones that it made sense to, but there were some that I didn’t know what to do with.”

“Do you want to make replies right now?”

Marisa looked slightly uncomfortable. “Well, no, not really.”

Savannah was a little miffed. Wasn’t that her job? “Well, alright then. Neither do I, frankly. But couldn’t these have waited until I came back?”

“I suppose they could have, but I thought this might be the better way to do it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Why?”

Marisa pushed her hair behind her ears, a clear sign she was nervous. “Savannah, I think it’s time for me to quit A &A.”

Savannah was surprised at how hurt she felt, especially since she had already given Marisa the go-ahead to leave. “I – I didn’t think you were ready to go.”

“I wasn’t. But then all this happened, and I started making my plans to go out to New York, and I realized I just didn’t want to come back. Not that I didn’t want to come back to you,” she quickly