The Heart of Memory

She sat up, fully awake at the phrase. “Yes! Me too! You got my message then.”

“And got on the computer as soon as I got home. Fascinating.”

“Sure-until it’s happening to you.”

“So did you see that an organ recipient wrote a book about her cellular memory experience?”

“I did. Tabitha is going to get it from the library for me today.”

“And Dr. Pearsall-”

“Yes, I saw him, too. I want to read his book as well. Maybe it tells how to get off this train.”

She heard Shaun sigh. “That was the one thing I couldn’t find anything on. Did you?”

She sank back against the pillow. “No. For a minute there I was hoping you were going to have found the missing piece. I do have to admit, though – I feel a lot better knowing I’m not going crazy.”

“So-does it make it easier for you to think past it all, to fake it better, now that you know it’s not really you thinking those thoughts? I don’t suppose you’ve changed your mind about the book tour…”

She slammed her hand down on the bed beside her. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I just thought-”

“No, it doesn’t change that. I’m sorry that’s such an inconvenience for you.”

“Savannah-”

“Look, I’m not happy about all this either, remember? And it doesn’t make it any easier on me when you try to goad me into going along with your plans and pour on the guilt. I need support, not a constant reminder of how I’m failing everyone.”

“So you want me to lie about how I’m feeling?”

“No, I want you to say, ‘Wow, Savannah, I’m sorry, that really sucks, this must be really hard for you.’ Not ‘You’re ruining my life.’”

“I never said that.”

“You didn’t have to.”

The silence that ensued made her ears ring. “I need some breakfast. I’ll talk to you later.” She hung up without waiting for a response. Well, that was a lousy way to start my morning. She chose her clothing and took a shower, all the while feeling like someone was watching her. Knowing now that the new Savannah was really the old Charlie, as though his soul were still hanging around trying to get her attention, was disconcerting. Creepy, actually. She hurried down to the main floor where there was more activity, suddenly uncomfortable being alone.

Tabitha greeted her as she entered the therapy room. “Just on my way to group. Want to join us?”

Savannah chuckled. “Only if you think you can help Charlie.”

“Sorry, I don’t think my theology allows for psychoanalyzing the deceased.”

“Mine didn’t either, but now I’m not so sure. Listen, can I use your computer again? I want to order that other book we saw, the one that isn’t at the library.”

“Sure, go ahead. I’ll be done at eleven, if you want to talk.”

Savannah looked up the book again, then attempted her first-ever online purchase. She filled out the plethora of fields to create an account, then hit ‘submit,’ hoping she’d done everything right. When the error screen came up, she groaned. What had she done wrong?”

Please review your credit card information and try again.

“That was the other thing I wanted to talk to Shaun about!” She cursed herself as she pulled out the other credit card and entered its information. This time the order went through. It was at that point that she realized she’d listed her home as the destination for the book. Who knew how long it would be before she actually got to read it? She cursed herself again and began a new internet search with the terms “stop cellular memories.”

It was the only piece of information that didn’t seem to exist.

SAVANNAH WAS STARTLED WHEN TABITHA appeared. “My gosh, it is already eleven?”

“Eleven-thirty, actually. Did you want lunch?”

Savannah rubbed her eyes; they burned from staring so long at the screen. “Yes, I should.”

Tabitha gave her one of her looks that meant she knew more about how you felt than you probably wanted her to. “Didn’t find what you were looking for?”

“It’s the one thing no one writes about. Either that or I’m just not searching for the right thing.”

They walked to the dining room where everyone else was already eating. “I had so much hope last night. The whole way home on that flight, I just kept thinking this was the beginning of the end of all of this. Now that I had an idea of what was going on, I’d be able to put a stop to it. But now I feel like I’m just doomed to live like this forever.” She didn’t tell Tabitha how the chill had left her chest when she’d visited Lori, and how this morning, when faced with the absence of the information she desperately needed, it had once again returned.

Tabitha wrapped an arm around Savannah’s shoulders. “God has a plan.”

Savannah shuddered Tabitha’s arm away. “Don’t even say that.”

She regretted the words instantly, but only because she knew how they must hurt Tabitha. It was an apt reflection of the fears that gripped her, however-that this was who she was now, a cold-hearted witch, in more ways than one.

CHAPTER 13

SHAUN LET OUT A GROWL AND SLAMMED THE PHONE BACK INTO its cradle with a curse before leaving his office. He was jumpy with anger at how Savannah turned his words back on him, how they couldn’t have a civil conversation anymore. He needed a run to clear his head.

Jessie was in the hallway, moving with quiet steps away from his office. “When did you get here?”

She stopped and slowly turned. He could read her expression loud and clear. “A little while ago.”

“You heard it all.”

“Yeah.”

He blew out a breath and shrugged. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

She cocked her head slightly, and her expression became unreadable. “Are you and Mom getting a divorce?”

“No, honey, we’re not.” He hoped his face wasn’t as clear to her as hers often was to him. He wasn’t sure how well he could hide his doubt about the statement he’d just made. He put his arm around her and led her to the kitchen. “All married couples have their rough patches; it doesn’t mean they’re going to split up. Your mom and I agreed a long time ago divorce would never be an option.”

She sat on a barstool as he started the coffeepot. “But that was before she turned into… whoever she is now,” she said. “She’s not the same person. She doesn’t even believe in God anymore, does she? So what reason does she have to keep divorce off the table?”

He was getting uncomfortable with this conversation. He wasn’t ready to talk with Jessie about something he himself hadn’t figured out yet. I should never have told her everything Savannah was going through. “We’re not getting a divorce, Jess. Trust me. Now, what brings you home? You’re a college student. You should be sleeping in until noon, not driving home before breakfast. I didn’t think I’d see you again before Thanksgiving.”

“I left some stuff in my closet that I wanted to bring back to campus. I meant to get it when I was here last but I forgot. The rest of my weekend is really packed, so I wanted to come now while I had the time.” She swiveled on the seat, eyes concentrated on the marble countertop. “Is Mom coming home for Thanksgiving?”

Shaun tried not to show his irritation. “I don’t know, we haven’t talked about it.”

“What if she doesn’t come home?”

He chuckled. “What, and relocates to Georgia? I don’t think she could handle the humidity.”

“I’m serious, Dad. What if she decides she’s done with us and just stays there? What if the new Savannah likes humidity?”

He rolled his eyes at her. “You’re getting melodramatic, Jessie. Trust me, she’s not staying there forever.”

“Well, when is she coming back then?”

He shrugged and took down two mugs from the cabinet. “I don’t know. When she’s gotten herself together, I guess. Did you hear the first part of the conversation, about cellular memory?”