If I turned on just cold water, it was almost nice.
When I came down, Grandmother was making tea.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Better. You?”
She was looking a little drawn, a little pale, but she waved one hand and said, “Better,” and we smiled.
She was wearing a yellow shirt.
My stomach dropped.
“Grandmother, are you scared of me?”
She looked up and blinked. “Oh, no. You always wear yellow when you’re near jiang-shi. The priests used to ring bells to let us know they were carrying souls with them.” She smiled. “You remind me of home, now. Of those days.”
I thought about her home in some little town in Anhui province I had never seen; how Dad had brought her here. And her dead granddaughter was the best thing that had happened to her, somehow.
“Tell me,” I said.
She beamed. Then she told me about going to the opera there; she told me how to steam stone frog.
Then she kicked my ass at rummy. Twice.
After she had gone to bed, I went upstairs, worrying with every step.
“No,” I said.
After a long time, I covered his translucent fingers with mine. He looked down, smiled.
I pulled a face. “Quit spying!”
“I was concentrating on not sucking at rummy,” I said.
19. Jiang-shi must seek the earth when the sun is bright. (“It’s just the pain,” said Grandmother. “You won’t burn.” Like that was comforting.)
I went back to school; it was cloudy enough that I could bear the pain, if I tried. No one mentioned that I had the shakes.
My acceptance letter came from Seattle. I sat on the empty benches at lunch and read it twice. Then I stuffed it into my backpack, grinding it into the bottom.
“Sure,” I said. “Crawl out of the mud in time for night class and learn things that don’t matter for a life I’m never going to lead. Brilliant plan.”
I turned to face him. “You think I can get through college hoping they don’t notice I only take night classes and wildlife goes missing? What sort of life is that? How can I do that?” I shook my head. “I can’t even live at home for long. But where else can I go? I’m trapped.”
His glasses gleamed in front of the blank sockets. He snorted, his mouth twisting.
Blood filled my vision.
“Coward?” I turned to face him. “And you knew so much more about how to handle life than I do, before you killed yourself?”
I couldn’t shut up, though, couldn’t stop. “You couldn’t even take being
There was a horrible silence. The words settled in between us, and still nothing happened. I was frozen. Behind his almost-there glasses, his eye sockets filled with tears, like a crack in a rock weeps.
Then he was gone, plumes of smoke that disappeared into the afternoon sky.
And that’s how you take care of a lingering spirit, I thought. Annoy it until it goes back to the afterlife just to avoid you. Then you get to be alone, just like you wanted.
Go, me.
20. The school has no outside broadcast system. If you’re not in the building, you don’t know that you’re being paged to the main office, and you’re an hour late getting the news that your grandmother has died.
My parents had left a note with the address of the funeral home.
I went into Grandmother’s room like I didn’t believe it; like she would be there if I just opened the door fast enough.
The room was thick with smells: the bamboo in a vase on the windowsill, the detergent smell of her dresser. The bed smelled like her skin, as much as if she were still in it, sleeping, and I could reach out and wake her up.
The little nightstand next to her bed was a pile of vitamin bottles and eye drops and insulin. It seemed wrong in the room, like weapons, and I opened the top drawer to sweep them in, to leave the room the way she’d meant it.
Inside the top drawer was a needle and a plastic tube and a small glass jar with a narrow neck, like an ink bottle. Everything was clean, but the smell of blood was so powerful, I sank onto the bed.
After the animal blood stopped working, she had found something that would save me. She hadn’t told me I needed human blood; I would have found some other way if I had known. Why hadn’t she told me?
(“Don’t worry,” she’d said. “You’re mine.”)
I wondered, if I tried, if I could bring her back. I could reach into the afterlife, I was sure — if I just brought her out, she could keep me company, she wouldn’t mind, we could get out of here and go anywhere she wanted —
I bent over, sobbed into my hands.
21. You cry blood.
When I had cried myself out, I licked my hands clean and then drank what was left of the blood in the fridge. Now that I knew it was hers, it tasted strange, but it was a gift of love, and I would need strength for what I planned to do.
The glass bottle and stopper went into my backpack, along with necessities and cash from my dad’s desk drawer.
I put on a yellow shirt, left a note for my parents, and hit the road.
22. You can carry a person’s soul in an object of great meaning to them. No matter how far away they died, you can bring them home again, so they aren’t angry or lonely; so they can sleep quietly in the ground.
I shake all the way down the highway, my hands trembling on the wheel, but I don’t turn around. I owe my grandmother a favor. I know how she missed home.
Jake appears just as I’m walking into the airport.
He’s solid now; if people weren’t walking right through him, I’d think he was real.
His eyes are green.
I tilt my head. “You want me to?”
He shrugs.
“I can do it alone,” I say. It’s important, now, to be able to be lonely and still survive.
He slides his hand through mine.