them flooding back into her mind, blocking out all else, even Adriana.
Like the moment when having remained by her side, her cavalier through the rest of the evening, Torrington parted from them in the Cranbournes’ front hall. They were among a small crowd of departing guests; to gain her attention, he touched her shoulder.
His fingertips brushed lightly. Despite being decently sheathed in ruby silk, her skin reacted. Goosebumps rose and spread in a wave; her nipples tightened.
Her eyes flew to his, wide, aware; he read them, his lips thinned, and she knew he knew, too.
Then he met her gaze fully. The expression in his eyes nearly slew her; the heat was so open, so intense, it was a wonder it didn’t melt her bones.
His lashes swept down; he grasped her hand and very correctly took his leave of her.
She mumbled some response, then watched his back as he walked away through the crowd; only when he disappeared through the front door did she manage to breathe again. Manage to give her attention to the footman waiting to be told which carriage to summon. Thankfully, Adriana hadn’t noticed; her sister seemed as distracted as she.
The journey back through the night-shrouded streets provided a welcome respite, a quiet moment all but alone when she could gather her wits, review what had happened, all she’d felt, how she’d reacted, without worrying about her betraying blush.
Finally to make some attempt at defining where she stood. And whither she was heading.
The first seemed all too clear; she stood teetering on the horns of a dilemma. As for the second, the possibilities were varied but uniformly unsettling.
Her dilemma was clear enough. She had to play the part of a tonnish widow, an experienced lady aware of, indeed personally acquainted with, all aspects of intimacy. The question now facing her was simple: how far should she go in preserving her charade?
To her perturbation, the answer was not at all simple.
Dedication to their cause argued the answer should be as far as she needed to go to see Adriana through her Season and secure their family’s relief. But that immediately raised another highly pertinent question: how far
He was not just experienced; he was an expert. She’d been scrambling to keep up with him thus far; at some point she would falter, and he’d realize….
The social strictures at least were clear. Regardless of her charade, she wasn’t a widow, but a virtuous spinster—she shouldn’t permit him even the liberties he’d already taken. Unfortunately, her inner voice was quick to argue, to speak in support of those wishes and needs she was only just realizing she possessed; where, that inner voice asked, was the harm?
She’d accepted over a year ago that she’d missed her chance at marriage; she was twenty-four—not unmarriageable by ton standards, yet in reality the likelihood had faded. Once Adriana was established, she, Alicia, would disappear from society; she’d imagined she’d retire to the country to watch over the boys, to keep home for them whether with Adriana and her husband or otherwise.
That plan still stood; nothing had happened to alter her path. Any liaison with Torrington would be, as such things generally were, temporary, fleeting. A liaison with him might, however, be her only chance to experience all she was presently pretending to know.
He was the only gentleman who had ever engaged her on that level; even now, she wasn’t sure how he’d done it, how it had happened. Yet it had; the possibility now existed where it hadn’t before. If she wanted to know more, wanted to experience all that could be between a man and a woman, all she had to do was let Torrington teach her.
The carriage rocked along, heading into Mayfair, pausing here and there as other carriages crowded the streets. She barely noticed the delays, indeed was grateful for the opportunity to let her mind range ahead, examining, imagining.
If she did indulge in a liaison with Torrington…
He would realize she was a virgin, would guess she’d never been married. However, she doubted he would expose her to the ton; there was no reason he should, not once she’d explained.
There was, however, another danger. One her instincts, uneducated though they were, had detected. Just how real that danger was she couldn’t be certain, yet Tony— Torrington—was a nobleman to his toes. Arrogant, yes, with a definite streak of ruthlessness behind his charming facade, and…she searched for the word to describe what she sensed when he looked at her, held her, kissed her, caressed her.
If she gave herself to him, trusted him that far, would he agree to let her go?
She wasn’t foolish enough to overlook the point; if she became his mistress, allowed him to become privy to her secret, he’d be in a position much as Ruskin had been, able to dictate her behavior. She recognized the possibility, viewed it clearly, yet she couldn’t, despite all, see it happening. Adriana had mentioned Geoffrey’s assessment of Torrington; it concurred with her own reading of the man. He was simply not the sort to hold a woman against her will. Regardless of all else, he was an honorable man.
If she did become his mistress, for whatever length of time, he would, in the end, let her go.
All of which left her precisely where she’d started, facing the question of what she should do and no nearer to finding an answer.
The only alternative to making a decision was to stave it off. Somehow to hold him off, to avoid the culmination he was clearly steering them toward. If she could hold to a line just short of surrender, then the instant Adriana was established, disappear…
With a creak, the carriage turned into Waverton Street. Adriana stirred, stretched. Alicia straightened, and gathered her shawl and reticule. The carriage halted; looking out, she saw the light burning above their door.
Thought of her brothers innocently asleep in their beds.
She let the footman hand her down, then led the way up the steps. Their reckless but straightforward plan had developed serious complications.
The next morning, Tony headed for the Bastion Club. On foot. He needed the exercise.
Needed the physical activity to ease the building frustration of a type he’d rarely had to endure. Indeed, he couldn’t remember ever wanting a woman so much, and not having her. Worse, in this instance, he recognized the need to go slowly, carefully; his relationship with Alicia was forever, not for a few weeks or a few months. It would be the most important relationship of his life; it demanded and deserved a degree of care, of respect, of attention.
He’d noticed her occasional hesitations, the sudden tensing, almost a skittishness that sometimes gripped her. He’d always succeeded in soothing it, in getting her to set it aside and relax, to trust him. To open her eyes, see and accept all that could be and would be between them.
Although he hadn’t foreseen it, her reserve didn’t surprise him; she might be a widow, but that wouldn’t change the underlying truth of her nature—she was a virtuous lady, and as such would not easily be seduced. And in her case, there was yet more—a complicating factor. She was responsible for her family, and she took that responsibility seriously.
He hadn’t imagined that in gaining his bride, he’d have to compete with her family for her attention. While the fact was a difficulty, and clearly would continue to raise hurdles, he didn’t, as it happened, disapprove.
He enjoyed her family—enjoyed spending time with her brothers, even enjoyed watching Adriana make her choice, especially given Geoffrey was involved. But more, he found the circumstance of her family reassuring.
As an only child, he’d never experienced the relationships Alicia and her siblings took for granted. The warmth, the closeness that was simply there, the support it never occurred to them to question… all that was not only attractive, but spoke strongly of Alicia’s ability to create for him, with him, the sort of home and family he wanted. And needed. How much he hadn’t realized until he’d met her and her brood.
Regardless of his frustration, he wouldn’t have her change, didn’t wish she was otherwise. He valued her for what she was, as she was, and was fully prepared to accommodate that, to woo her as she needed to be wooed.
And pray he didn’t do himself an injury in the meantime.
