Mortals

“What would I do if I did?”

“Well, help him. Put him up. I don’t know.”

“Concretely, though…”

“Find out what he needed you to do. Intervene for him.”

“Well, it’s a fantasy.”

“It’s so pitiful, love coming to an end that way, the way it does. This separation from you is so painful, Ray, because it brings up… you know what I mean. It’s like a rehearsal.” She was insanely truthful.

He was in pain. He said, “You mean the final separation. I know, I know. Look, don’t talk about it. I want you back here, my good girl, my love…” An odd sound came out of him.

“Stop, I’m crying,” she said. “Wait a minute till I find some Kleenices… I know I had some, a new packet.”

The love of a woman with a funny mind is the definition of paradise, he thought. The word Kleenices was, of course, plural for Kleenex. It was an old item between them, but he hadn’t heard it for a while.

“Here we are,” she said. “I knew I had some. I put them in my purse, unbeknownst to me. This is what I want. If I die first, this is what I want you to do. Take my ashes and put them in an urn on the coffee table and then every now and then lift the lid and shout the latest down into it, whatever is going on.”

“Then you do the same.”

“Don’t say it. I can’t stand it if you die first. It’s worse if you die than if I do.”

“Please don’t say that and please let’s not have this conversation when you’re there where I can’t hold you.” Save you, was what he meant.

“I’m wretched without you,” she said, her voice very low.

His breathing was easier, distinctly.

She was irreplaceable. That was the problem. She was uniquely funny. Now his mind was flooding with moments and episodes that proved it. They had stayed overnight at the Tshwaragano Hotel in Serowe where the management was bell-mad and rang a ship’s bell for every meal, including breakfast at seven. And they had dragged in dead tired at three in the morning and gotten to bed and then for no reason someone had begun banging the bell at five-thirty, waking them, and he had asked why in hell they were doing that and she had said, “They’re practicing.” And when he had noticed in the paper that Belfast and Beirut had become sister cities, she had said, “What do they do, exchange rubble?” He remembered being with her in a diner when they were dating, before he’d had any notion about how funny she was, and when she was being offered a second cup of coffee by the waitress she’d said, “Oh no thanks, if I drink that I’ll be up all day,” making the woman laugh. And when he’d wondered aloud what the correct name for a male ballet dancer was, she had said ballerino. And then when he’d mentioned that physicist who had concluded that the universe was made up of just three kinds of matter, she’d said, “Yes, I know, ether, phlogiston, and ectoplasm.” She liked to deny that she ever farted. And when he’d been passing by the bathroom when she was in the tub and he’d heard something suspicious and said, “Did you fart?” she’d said, “Certainly not. I was just submerging my head to belch.” And when he’d once remarked, “Wasn’t that a particularly virtuous lunch we had,” she’d said, “It was more than just virtuous, it was actually unpleasant.” And then she’d said one morning, “If I make us stop drinking coffee and only make tea, will you start hating me?” and he had said no and then she had said, “Well then, if I keep making us coffee and forget about tea, will you stop hating me?” That one was slightly ineffable. They had an idiom together. That was it. She was the author of it. He was never funny. Except that she had laughed when he described her chest as the Globe Theatre, a literary nothing, his pinnacle. He had to escape this.

He said, “Before I forget, we can get fennel now. They have fennel at Notwane Gardens.”

“I lost you. We can get what?”

He raised his voice. “Fennel. Fennel.” This was not what he wanted, to be shouting fennel to his darling girl. And she was a girl. He was forty-eight.

“Well, eat some,” she said.

His hunger was coming back.

“Are you eating okay, not too much meat and potatoes without end? And you’re keeping up with the garlic capsules. If you don’t take anything else, take those. Let me see if I can put Ellen on for just a sec. I think she’s still asleep. Let me check. She sleeps more than the baby.”

He waited.

She returned. She said, “Still out. Which gives me a chance to tell you something else I don’t want her to hear. Her friends around here. They’re mostly arts and crafts, and some who consider themselves artists. There’s a little antiques store and art gallery enclave where they all love her. She buys so much crap, is why, crap of theirs. I won’t ever complain about the embassynians again, I promise. We went to a couple of openings and at one of them I got into an argument in a flash with a woman who got a certain disappointed expression on her face when we were introduced and she understood that I was using my husband’s last name. This was a big disappointment to her since I was Ellen’s sister, Ellen being a paragon of freeness, being unmarried and having this baby and all. This woman’s given last name was Johnson, paternal last name. So I merely observed that she was choosing to privilege, that’s a very popular term with them, privilege, the name of a male, her biological father, over the name of her presumably beloved chosen husband, accident over choice. And of course her dumb name also incorporated somebody being the son of some ancient John. It was hardly as though she had dumped all her nomenclature in favor of something completely invented, like Dora Violin Moon-leaf or something. By the way, all the people in this milieu have the most blinding white teeth. Everyone over a certain income is getting bonding and capping like crazy. Even my sister bleaches her teeth at night, every night. Even in the hospital. So that was round one. Round two was an artist whose work was on display under gigantic lenses. In the catalog she was described as a micromuralist, which does not mean that she was a very-small-in-stature muralist. I pray God Ellen can’t hear this. No this was a person, you will not believe this, who inscribed little primitive scenes on pebbles and in a couple of instances on actual lima beans, dried limas. And I couldn’t help but wonder out loud why anyone would say mural in connection with these little… scratchments on pebbles. I wanted to know what they had in common with murals, with big, broadly executed, jammed, huge wall pictures. Now if the artist had carved a tiny figure with its back to us at the bottom edge of these scratchments, as though the figure were looking at the image, there might have been a case. I didn’t make a big scene. I just asked one or two people, but it got around. They make you want to act philistine.

“I’m going on like this not because it’s interesting but because I can’t let you go. You’ll be gone when I stop telling you things. So I’m telling you everything I can think of.”

“I love it,” he said.

“I love you, Ray, meboy. Oh do I. I miss you. How’s your penis? How’s your trusty penis?”

“My rusty penis? That it is.”

“You heard me.”

“I think this is phone sex.”

“I know. We’d better stop. It isn’t fair to Ellen. What if she heard? Okay, so what else can I tell you. Well. Thinking. Even around here there are homeless. And another thing you see is people laying out displays of belongings, clothing and personal items, on the sidewalk. It has to be done quick, before the cops come. And this is not a poor neighborhood, either.

“And I have to tell you that Davis was right about something else in this country. It’s not his idea but it’s true. He gave me an article about the exteriorization of the self. It’s pretty self-explanatory. You see it everywhere. People advertise what they are, young people especially, by sign-age, essentially. People advertise what they are, their affiliations. They wear tee shirts with messages instead of plain, like we wore. They wear violent personal ornaments and tattoos. The idea is that when people dressed more or less all the same, within the same middle- class spectrum, you demonstrated who you were in the things you revealed when you talked to people, what you read, what you knew. Now nobody knows anything different than the next guy. It’s all music and media boilerplate on the inside. So therefore why not get wondrously overmuscled or put metal studs in your eyelids? This I’ve seen. This article calls it a panic over differentiation. And it’s true. Well.

“I love you I love you. And speaking of Davis, Ray, could you do me a favor and call him?”

Now this. Ray had been about to take a surreptitious bite of steak. He put his fork down.

“Call him?”