“Shut up.” She pressed her hands to her ears. “I’ve heard enough. More than enough. Get out of my office. Get out.”
Warner slouched briefly against the doorframe, steadied himself, then staggered out of the room and back down the hallway. He needed another shot of Jack Daniels.
Carolyn folded into her chair, and turned to look at the now empty doorway. She didn’t know where the knowledge had come from, but suddenly she’d understood that she couldn’t give in to him. He needed to believe that their marriage was over. Otherwise, she’d always be a victim to his bidding.
Pulling her knees up to her chest, she hugged them tightly, as years of pent-up frustration overflowed with her tears. Carolyn didn’t know how long she sat there crying, but when she rose from her chair her legs were stiff and her knuckles white from tightly gripping her legs. She walked over to the window, staring without really seeing out across the lawn.
If he still loved her, then things would be different. But he’d never mentioned love, just need. Maybe she was destined to a life without love, but that didn’t mean she had to give up her ambitions. Damn him!
Their political lives were what mattered now – the only thing, that she could count on.
She picked up her note pad and reviewed her notes. Their national positioning was good, but only if they could retake the senatorial seat in the next election.
Carolyn thought again about Warner. She would help him resurrect his career, and, in doing so, she would facilitate her own goals of reform. It wasn’t the life she’d envisioned on her wedding day, but it was a life she understood and could be proud of. Compromise, she thought, life was about compromise.
Warner woke the next morning to the sound of pounding. He couldn’t tell if it came from inside or outside of his head. The pain in his temples throbbed, and his body responded as if he were underwater.
He opened his eyes, squinting to focus. Then he realized that the noise came from a downpour striking the living room windows, and that he was lying on the couch.
Memories flooded him, and the weight of failure crushed down upon his chest. He drew in a deep breath against the oppressive sensation.
Warner pushed himself up to a seated position when Carolyn walked into the room.
“You look awful,” she said.
Warner stared at her.
“Up to a conversation this morning, or are you too
His mind slogged through the alcohol induced cobwebs attempting to process her mood and intent.
She laughed ruefully.
If there were a chance she might change her mind, then he would speak to her no matter how bad he felt. “I’m fine.”
Carolyn approached him. She wore a thigh length cardigan, a cream turtleneck, and pleated, navy wool pants. Her hands were jammed into the pockets of her sweater.
Chanel No. 5 perfume wafted to him. He glanced at the window, hungry for fresh air. His ears rang, and he felt light headed. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Our divorce.”
Warner’s heart sank. “I was hoping you might reconsider.”
“We both know I can do fine on my own. I have a promising law career ahead of me, and you threw away your future.”
“Edmund will never allow this.” He stood, moving to her.
“Do you think your father really cares what happens to us now? He’ll be looking for another political horse to run. You’re out. We’re both out.”
“That’s why we need to stick together. We can do it without him. This time, it’ll be different. I’ll be different. I promise.”
“I may be a slow learner, but I’ve no wish to continue to play the fool.”
Warner placed a hand on her shoulder. “I’m really sorry for all I’ve done to you. If you’ll give me a chance. I promise to make it up. And – I’ll listen to you.”
“I don’t believe you.” Carolyn pulled away, resisting the tug on her heart, the instinct that urged her to surrender. “You don’t know how to listen. You’ve proven that.”
Encouraged by the soft expression that flashed briefly in her eyes, he continued. “Please. I’ll agree to anything.”
She shook her head. “No.”
“Come on. Carolyn. What do you really have to lose? We’re both at the bottom. Don’t give up now. Not now. Not when we can start fresh.”
She laughed wryly. “Start fresh?”
He leaned toward her, nodding.
She sat in the nearest chair, her hands still tucked into her sweater pockets. Uncertainty and fear rose in her throat, making her question her own plan. She shoved the feeling aside. This was about survival. In the courtroom, she fought to empower her clients with the courage to stand up for themselves – to face the truth. Until now, she hadn’t taken her own advice. She’d been the embodiment of everything she claimed to despise in other women – weak.
“If we’re going to make another senatorial run, I want all the facts.” Carolyn said. “I can deal with anything as long as I’m prepared. I don’t want any surprises derailing the next campaign. So, now’s your chance, tell it all. Can you handle that?” She braced herself.
“Are you sure?” Warner asked.
“If you want a fresh start, as you claim, then spill it.”
“Where do you want me to start?”
“At the beginning.”
His affair began shortly after he’d learned of her abortion. “I admit I wanted to hurt you. I hurt so much, myself. All I felt was rage and pain, day after day. I needed a distraction. I met her while flying to D.C.” Warner began to pace.
He met Carolyn’s gaze. “Her name’s Cindy. She’s a flight attendant. She’s based out of D.C, but spends a lot of time in Missouri. Her family’s here. She’s not what you’d think, she’s a friend. I hope you can understand this, but I felt lost. I needed someone to confide in, someone to love me.”
Warner stopped pacing and made his way to the couch. He swallowed hard, his face glowing gray in color, perspiration beading above his upper lip. She could see the muscles working in his jaw as he clenched his teeth.
His silence screamed at Carolyn.
“I don’t know.” He hesitated. “I guess not enough. I’m not willing to lose you over her. I’m not willing to toss away my career. Maybe that makes me a cold son of a bitch, but I’m trying to be honest.”
Warner slouched against the couch cushions. “You’re a beautiful woman. Carolyn. I mean that. But you have to understand, I was so devastated by the abortion I couldn’t… respond sexually to you. I wish I could but I can’t. I needed to find a release somewhere, to feel like a man again. I found it with Cindy.”
Carolyn nodded, choking back her own grief. Emotionally she didn’t want to understand, it hurt far too much. But intellectually his explanation made sense.
“I want to make this work. Please be honest with me. Have I ruined any chance of reconciliation?”
“I won’t deny that this hurts me – hurts horribly. But I can’t change it. If I could I would.” Carolyn took a deep breath and stood. “We both want the same things. I have dreams of reform and you have aspirations for the White
