A Cold Heart

“Things were tough for him,” said Robin. “Had been for a while. He got a boost when a new pop band asked him to play on their album. Guys young enough to be his kids, but he was so up for it. Thought this might be a big break. The album did great, but I doubt they paid him much.”

“Why’s that?”

Robin kicked one suede tenny with the other. “He seemed broke- as usual. He hadn’t paid me in a long time. Used to write out these elaborate IOUs- minicontracts, really. Both of us pretending we were being businesslike. Then he’d pick up his gear and offer a few dollars in partial payment and I’d say forget it and he’d argue but eventually give in. And that would be it till the next time. It went on for so long, I stopped expecting to get paid. But when he cut the album with those kids, he called me and promised he’d be settling up. ‘Closing out my tab, sweet Lil Sis,’ was the way he put it. He used to say if he’d had a little sister, he would’ve wanted her to be just like me.”

Another swipe of the bandana.

“But the tab never got closed,” said Petra.

“Not a penny. That’s how I know the gig didn’t produce serious money. If Baby’d been flush, I would’ve been high on his list, right after rent and food.”

“His rent was paid up, and there was food in his fridge- diet food.”

Robin winced. “That again? Onstage, he flaunted his weight- shook his belly, wiggled his butt, made jokes about being heavy. But the poor guy hated being big, was always resolving to trim down.” She sniffed. “For all he’d been through, he never stopped wanting to better himself. Once, when he was feeling pretty down, he told me: ‘God made a mess when he created me. My job’s cleaning it up.’ “

She broke down, crying, and Petra put an arm around her shoulder. A couple of uniforms walked through the front doors and swaggered across the lobby, jangling gear. Not even bothering to notice the weeping woman. They saw plenty of that.

6

The Thursday after Baby Boy Lee’s murder, my doorbell rang. I’d been typing court reports all afternoon, ran out of words and wisdom, and called out for Chinese food.

Grabbing tip money, I trudged from my office to the living room, threw open the door, and faced Robin. She’d never surrendered her key but was acting like a guest.

Which, I suppose, she was.

She saw the tip money and smiled. “I can’t be bought that easily.”

I pocketed the bills. “Hi.”

“Is this a bad time?”

“Of course not.” I held the door open, and she stepped into the place we’d designed together. I watched her wander around the living room, as if reacquainting herself with the space. When she perched on the edge of a sofa, I took a facing seat.

“You know about Baby Boy,” she said.

“ Petra called me looking for you.”

“I was just over at the Hollywood police station, talking to her.” She stared at the ceiling. “I’ve never been close to someone who was murdered… all the years you and I were together, I stayed on the periphery.”

“You didn’t miss anything.”

She played with an earring. “It’s disgusting- the feeling of gone-ness. It brings back my father’s death. It’s not the same, of course. I was fond of Baby, but he wasn’t family. Still, for some reason…”

“Baby was a good guy.”

“Great guy,” she said. “Who’d want to hurt him?”

She got up and walked around some more. Straightened a picture. “I shouldn’t have barged in on you.”

I said, “Does Petra have any leads?”

She shook her head.

“Any lifestyle issues? Had Baby gotten back into drugs?”

“Not as far as I know,” she said. “The last few times when he came by he looked clean, didn’t he?”

“Far as I could tell.” Not that I’d paid much attention to Baby Boy’s demeanor. The last time he’d dropped off some gear, music had drifted into the house from Robin’s studio, and I’d gone over to listen. Baby Boy had left the studio door open and I stood there, watching, listening, as he cradled his old Gibson acoustic like a baby, hammered some notes in a drop-D tuning, sang something low and pained and tender.

“But what do I know?” said Robin. “Maybe he had gotten back into the bad old days. What do any of us know about anyone?” She rubbed her eyes. “I shouldn’t have come. It was inconsiderate.”

“We’re still friends.”

“Right,” she said. “That was the deal, walk away friends. Is that sitting right with you?”

“How’re you doing with it?”

“Okay.” She stood. “I’ll get going, Alex.”

“Things to do, places to see?” I said. Why had she had come? Shoulder to cry on? Was Tim’s shoulder defective? I realized I was angry but also weirdly gratified- she’d chosen me.

“Nothing pressing,” she said. “I don’t belong here.”

“I like you here.” Why had I said that?

She walked over to me, tousled my hair, kissed the top of my head. “Once upon a time we’d be dealing with this you-know-how.”

“How?”

She smiled. “Once upon a time, we’d be doing the two-backed beast. That’s how we always ended up dealing with stress.”

“I can think of worse ways to cope.”

“Definitely,” she said.

She lowered herself onto my lap and we kissed for a long time. I touched a breast. She emitted a low, sad sound, reached for me. Stopped herself.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, as she ran for the door.

I got to my feet but remained in place. “Nothing to be sorry for.”

“Lots to be sorry for,” she said.

New adultery.

“How’s Spike?” When in doubt, ask about the dog.

“Fine. You’re welcome to come see him.”

“Thanks.”

The doorbell rang, and her head whipped around.

“I called out for food. That Hunan place in the Village.”

She patted her hair in place. “Good place.”

“Spicy but not hostile.”

She gave a terrible smile and twisted the doorknob. An Hispanic kid who looked around twelve held out a greasy bag, and I jogged to the door, took the food, reached into my pocket for money, grabbed too many bills, thrust them at him.

“Thanks, man,” he said, and hurried down the stairs.

I said, “Hungry?”

“Anything but,” said Robin. As she turned to leave, I thought of a million things to say.

What came out was: “ Petra ’s as good as they come. She’ll keep working at it.”

“I know she will. Thanks for listening. Bye, Alex.”

“Anytime,” I said.

But that wasn’t true, anymore.