How It Was When the Past Went Away

“I’m in that tiredness beyond feeling tired. My mind is so clear that my skull wouldn’t cast a shadow. I’m nearing nirvana.”

“The worst is over, I think. The city’s settling down.”

“It’s still bad, though. Have you seen the suicide figures?”

“Bad?”

“Hideous. The norm in San Francisco is 220 a year. We’ve had close to five hundred in the last two and a half days. And that’s just the reported cases, the bodies discovered, and so on. Probably we can double the figure. Thirty suicides reported Wednesday night, about two hundred on Thursday, the same on Friday, and about fifty so far this morning. At least it seems as if the wave is past its peak.”

“But why, Tim?”

“Some people react poorly to loss. Especially the loss of a segment of their memories. They’re indignant— they’re crushed— they’re scared—and they reach for the exit pill. Suicide’s too easy now, anyway. In the old days you reacted to frustration by smashing the crockery; now you go a deadlier route. Of course, there are special cases. A man named Montini they fished out of the bay—a professional mnemonist, who did a trick act in nightclubs, total recall. I can hardly blame him for caving in. And I suppose there were a lot of others who kept their business in their heads— gamblers, stock-market operators, oral poets, musicians—who might decide to end it all rather than try to pick up the pieces.”

“But if the effects of the drug wear off—”

“Do they?” Bryce asked.

“You said so yourself.”

“I was making optimistic noises for the benefit of the citizens. We don’t have any experimental history for these drugs and human subjects. Hell, Lisa, we don’t even know the dosage that was administered; by the time we were able to get water samples most of the system had been flushed clean, and the automatic monitoring devices at the city pumping stations were rigged as part of the conspiracy so they didn’t show a thing out of the ordinary. I’ve got no idea at all if there’s going to be any measurable memory recovery.”

“But there is, Tim. I’ve already started to get some things back.”

“What?”

“Don’t scream at me like that! You scared me.”

He clung to the edge of the table. “Are you really recovering?”

“Around the edges. I remember a few things already. About us.”

“Like what?”

“Applying for the marriage license. I’m standing stark naked inside a diagnostat machine and a voice on the loudspeaker is telling me to look straight into the scanners. And I remember the ceremony, a little. Just a small group of friends, a civil ceremony. Then we took the pod to Acapulco.”

He stared grimly. “When did this start to come back?”

“About seven this morning, I guess.”

“Is there more?”

“A bit. Our honeymoon. The robot bellhop who came blundering in on our wedding night. You don’t—”

“Remember it? No. No. Nothing. Blank.”

“That’s all I remember, this early stuff.”

“Yes, of course,” he said. “The older memories are always the first to return in any form of amnesia. The last stuff in is the first to go.” His hands were shaking, not entirely from fatigue. A strange desolation crept over him. Lisa remembered. He did not.

Was it a function of her youth, or of the chemistry of her brain, or—?

He could not bear the thought that they no longer shared an oblivion. He didn’t want the amnesia to become one-sided for them; it was humiliating not to remember his own marriage when she did. You’re being irrational, he told himself. Physician, heal thyself!

“Let’s go back inside,” he said.

“You haven’t finished your—”

“Later.”

He went into the command room. Kamakura had phones in both hands and was barking data into a recorder. The screens were alive with morning scenes, Saturday in the city, crowds in Union Square. Kamakura hung up both calls and said, “I’ve got an interesting report from Dr. Klein at Letterman General. He says they’re getting the first traces of memory recovery this morning. Women under thirty, only.”

“Lisa says she’s beginning to remember too,” Bryce said.

“Women under thirty,” said Kamakura. “Yes. Also the suicide rate is definitely tapering. We may be starting to come out of it.”

“Terrific,” Bryce said hollowly.

Haldersen was living in a ten-foot-high bubble that one of his disciples had blown for him in the middle of Golden Gate Park, just west of the Arboretum. Fifteen similar bubbles had gone up around his, giving the region the look of an up-to-date Eskimo village in plastic igloos. The occupants of the camp, aside from Haldersen, were men and women who had so little memory left that they did not know who they were or where they lived. He had acquired a dozen of these lost ones on Friday, and by late afternoon on Saturday he had been joined by some forty more. The news somehow was moving through the city that those without moorings were welcome to take up temporary residence with the group in the park. It had happened that way during the 1906 disaster, too.

The police had been around a few times to check on them. The first time, a portly lieutenant had tried to persuade the whole group to move to Fletcher Memorial. “That’s where most of the victims are getting treatment, you see. The doctors give them something, and then we try to identify them and find their next of kin—”

“Perhaps it’s best for these people to remain away from their next of kin for a while,” Haldersen suggested. “Some meditation in the park—an exploration of the pleasures of having forgotten—that’s all we’re doing here.” He would not go to Fletcher Memorial himself except under duress. As for the others, he felt he could do more for them in the park than anyone in the hospital could.

The second time the police came, Saturday afternoon when his group was much larger, they brought a mobile communications system. “Dr. Bryce of Fletcher Memorial wants to talk to you,” a different lieutenant said.

Haldersen watched the screen come alive. “Hello, Doctor. Worried about me?”

“I’m worried about everyone, Nate. What the hell are you doing in the park?”

“Founding a new religion, I think.”

“You’re a sick man. You ought to come back here.”

“No, Doctor. I’m not sick any more. I’ve had my therapy and I’m fine. It was a beautiful treatment: selective obliteration, just as I prayed for. The entire trauma is gone.”

Biyce appeared fascinated by that; his frowning expression of official responsibility vanished a moment, giving place to a look of professional concern. “Interesting,” he said. “We’ve got people who’ve forgotten only nouns, and people who’ve forgotten who they married, and people who’ve forgotten how to play the violin. But you’re the first one who’s forgotten a trauma. You still ought to come back here, though. You aren’t the best judge of your fitness to face the outside environment.”

“Oh, but I am,” Haldersen said. “I’m doing fine. And my peopie need me.”

“Your people?”

“Waifs. Strays. The total wipeouts.”

“We want those people in the hospital, Nate. We want to get them back to their families.”

“Is that necessarily a good deed? Maybe some of them can use a spell of isolation from their families. These people look happy, Dr. Btyce. I’ve heard there are a lot of suicides, but not here. We’re practicing mutually supportive therapy. Looking for the joys to be found in oblivion. It seems to work.”

Bryce stared silently out of the screen for a long moment. Then he said impatiently, “All right, have it your own way for now. But I wish you’d stop coming on like Jesus and Freud combined, and leave the park. You’re still a sick man, Nate, and the people with you are in serious trouble. I’ll talk to you later.”

The contact broke. The police, stymied, left.

Haldersen spoke briefly to his people at five o’clock. Then he sent them out as missionaries to collect other