probably why I remember it. The commercial said that the whole movie was about him trying to prove that he was innocent and how he could go to jail anyway. That scared me a lot. It scared me how much it scared me. Being punished for something you did not do. Or being an innocent victim. It's just something that I never want to experience.
I don't know if it is important to tell you all this, but at the time, it felt like a 'breakthrough.'
The best thing about my psychiatrist is that he has music magazines in his waiting room. I read an article about Nirvana on one visit, and it didn't have any references to honey mustard dressing or lettuce. They kept talking about the singer's stomach problems all the time, though. It was weird.
Like I told you, Sam and Patrick love their big song, so I thought I'd read it to have something to discuss with them. In the end, the magazine compared him with John Lennon from the Beatles. I told that to Sam later, and she got really mad. She said he was like Jim Morrison if he was like anybody, but really, he isn't like anybody but himself. We were all at the Big Boy after
Craig said the problem with things is that everyone is always comparing everyone with everyone and because of that, it discredits people, like in his photography classes.
Bob said that it was all about our parents not wanting to let go of their youth and how it kills them when they can't relate to something.
Patrick said that the problem was that since everything has happened already, it makes it hard to break new ground. Nobody can be as big as the Beatles because the Beatles already gave it a 'context.' The reason they were so big is that they had no one to compare themselves with, so the sky was the limit.
Sam added that nowadays a band or someone would compare themselves to the Beatles after the second album, and their own personal voice would be less from that moment on.
'What do you think, Charlie?'
I couldn't remember where I heard it or read it. I said maybe it was in
Anyway, they have this discussion, and the kid is an idealist in a temporary way. He talks about his 'restless generation' and things like that. And he says something like, 'This is not a time for heroes because nobody will let that happen.' The book takes place in the 1920's, which I thought was great because I supposed the same kind of conversation could happen in the Big Boy. It probably already did with our parents and grandparents. It was probably happening with us right now.
So, I said I thought the magazine was trying to make him a hero, but then later somebody might dig up something to make him seem like less than a person. And I didn't know why because to me he is just a guy who writes songs that a lot of people like, and I thought that was enough for everyone involved. Maybe I'm wrong, but everyone at the table starting talking about it.
Sam blamed television. Patrick blamed government. Craig blamed the 'corporate media.' Bob was in the bathroom.
I don't know what it was, and I know we didn't really accomplish anything, but it felt great to sit there and talk about our place in things. It was like when Bill told me to 'participate.' I went to the homecoming dance like I told you before, but this was much more fun. It was especially fun to think that people all over the world were having similar conversations in their equivalent of the Big Boy.
I would have told the table that, but they were really having fun being cynical, and I didn't want to ruin it. So, I just sat back a little bit and watched Sam sitting next to Craig and tried not to be too sad about it. I have to say that I couldn't do it very successfully. But at one point, Craig was talking about something, and Sam turned to me and smiled. It was a movie smile in slow motion, and then everything was okay.
I told this to my psychiatrist, but he said it was too soon to draw any conclusions.
I don't know. I just had a great day. I hope you did, too.
I thought Bill and I were going to talk about the book, but we ended up talking about 'things.' It was great to have so many discussions back-to-back. Bill asked me about Sam and Patrick and my parents, and I told him about getting my license and talking in the Big Boy. I also told him about my psychiatrist. I didn't tell him about the party or my sister and her boyfriend, though. They're still seeing each other in secret, which my sister says only 'adds to their passion.'
After I got through telling Bill about my life, I asked him about his. It was nice, too, because he didn't try to be cool and relate to me or anything. He was just himself about it. He said that he studied undergraduate work at some college in the West that doesn't give grades, which I thought was peculiar, but Bill said it was the best education he ever got. He said he'd give me a brochure when the time was right.
After he went to Brown University for graduate school, Bill traveled around Europe for a while, and when he came home, he joined Teach for America. When this year is over, he thinks he is going to move to New York and write plays. I guess he's still pretty young, although I thought it would be rude to ask him. I did ask him if he had a girlfr, though, and he said he didn't. He seemed sad when he said it, too, but I decided not to pry because I thought that would be too personal. Then, he gave me my next book to read. It's called
I started reading it when I got home, and to tell you the truth, I don't know what the guy is talking about. I would never tell Bill this. Sam told me that William So. Burroughs wrote the book when he was on heroin and that I should 'go with the flow.' So, I did. I still had no idea what he was talking about, so I went downstairs to watch television with my sister.
The show was
I was just confused all day.
So, I tried to help my mother in the kitchen, but I dropped the casserole, so she told me to read in my room until my father came home, but reading is what started this whole mess in the first place. Luckily, my father came home before I could pick up the book again, but he told me to stop 'hanging on his shoulders like a monkey' because he wanted to watch the hockey game. I watched the hockey game with him for a while, but I couldn't stop asking him questions about which countries the players are from, and he was 'resting his eyes,' which means he was sleeping but didn't want me to change the channel. So, he told me to go watch television with my sister, which I did, but she told me to go help my mother in the kitchen, which I did, but then she told me to go read in my room. Which I did.
I've read about a third of the book now, and it's pretty good so far.
I have a date for the Sadie Hawkins' dance. In case you didn't have one of those, it's the dance where the girl asks the boy. In my case, the girl is Mary Elizabeth, and the boy is me. Can you believe it?!
I think it started when I was helping Mary Elizabeth staple the latest issue of
