from her skin and made quick work of her buttons. And when he was done, she stepped away to look at him. She fought with her words, but finally expressed them in an awkward way.
“I do not trust men who are not in control of themselves.”
His expression darkened. “So you have been hurt before.”
“No, not like you mean. But even a child knows there is nothing more frightening than someone who is larger, stronger, and more powerful who has lost control. Who gets hurt in that situation, my lord? The powerful aristocrat? Or the weak woman?”
“You are many things, Helaine, but weak is not one of them.”
Oh, how she wished that were true. She was vulnerable in so many ways. Financially, she risked everything, and he had no understanding of what it was like to teeter on the edge of poverty. Personally, she felt more and more vulnerable to Robert, even after this debacle. He was charming, smart, and titled. Everything she had once wanted in a husband.
“Then call me a coward, my lord, because you frighten me.”
He leaned back against the mantel, his expression hooded, his arms crossed over his chest. “You are no coward, either.”
She shrugged. She had no answer to that. She felt like the smallest thing next to him. An egg, perhaps, or a tiny seedling about to be crushed beneath his boot heel. Not because he was cruel, but simply because he wouldn’t notice what he was doing.
“I should stick to my own kind, I think,” she said softly. “There should be a man among the merchants of this world. Someone who will understand what it takes to survive the whims of the aristocracy.”
He snorted. “You have hidden your birth, but not your breeding. Even your own kind, as you put it, knows that you were born the daughter of an earl.”
She gasped, needing to run his words over again in her mind. They didn’t change, and neither did the truth.
“You know who I am,” she whispered. He knew what her father had done. Now she really was at his mercy. He could destroy her at any moment. All it would take would be a word, a comment to his sister or mother. He might not even do it intentionally, but what about one day in his cups? What about—
“I will be your mistress,” she suddenly said. “I will spread myself before you, do whatever you want. I will —”
His arms dropped to his sides in shock. “Good God, Helaine, I do not mean to blackmail you! What kind of monster do you think I am?”
Her knees went out from beneath her and she sank to the couch in terror. “What do you want?” she said. “There are so many lives dependent upon me. I pray you remember that. Not only my mother, but now Penny and the boy. Wendy would survive. Dressmakers always need a talented seamstress. But the rest of us…” Her voice trailed away. What would she do if he turned against her? He touched her shoulder then. She had seen him move forward, had steeled herself for his caress. What demands would he make?
He stroked her cheek just once, and then let his hand fall away. “I shall call for my coach. I will stay here, Helaine, and he will return you to your home.”
She looked up at him, feared that he was merely delaying the inevitable. Eventually he would call on her and demand something. Men always did. How many times had her father done something nice for her? Out of guilt or charity or simply because he had won at the gaming tables that night. He would gift her with something, say it was because he loved her, but then weeks or months later he would turn it on her. He would point to his gift, whether it be a necklace or the food on the table. He would rail that he had done that for them, and he’d demand that they repay him in some way.
“I am not a monster,” Robert repeated, though it was clear he didn’t expect her to believe him. “I will never tell.”
“And will you never lose control? Never become angry with me and wish revenge? Never—”
“Helaine!” he snapped, clearly offended. “You have no reason to fear me!” Then he huffed, his gaze going to the ceiling. “How can I convince you? I have already sworn that I will do nothing to interfere with your business. My sister has decided to make your shop fashionable. I stand here like a monk, though God knows that’s not what I want. I still find you beyond beautiful. What else can I do?”
She had no answer. He could promise her the moon right now, but she wouldn’t believe him. “There is nothing,” she whispered, wondering how it had all changed so fast. “I have no faith in men’s promises. I should have remembered that before I began this night.”
“So we are all villains merely because of our biology?”
She lifted her hand in a gesture of futility. “Biology, rearing, education, I don’t know. But no man has ever proved himself true to me. None have looked to my thoughts before theirs, to their family before their lusts.”
He frowned and shook his head. “I have never betrayed you like that.”
“You were about to.”
“You cannot know that. You damn me without ever giving me a chance.”
She bit her lip. Was that what she had done? She didn’t know, and she hadn’t the focus now to figure it out. So she straightened to her feet. “Thank you, my lord,” she said with as much dignity as she could muster. “I can honestly say that I will never forget this night.”
He nodded, his gaze still searching her face. “Nor I.” Then he crossed to the door, opened it, and called for the innkeeper, instructing the man to have his carriage readied immediately. When that was done, he turned back to her, gently holding up her wrap and gloves.
“You will wish these,” he said neutrally.
She nodded and forced herself to step up to him. It wasn’t that hard. Indeed, now that she was leaving, she found herself wanting to go back to the moment before. What if she’d closed her eyes when he stripped her of her gown? What if she’d clung to the oblivion of passion? Would she even now be experiencing pleasure the likes of which she could only imagine? She doubted the end would be any different, but the memory would be. The knowledge would change as well. She would finally know what women experienced in their marriage bed.
“I am sorry that I couldn’t be different,” she said as much to herself as to him. “I am sorry that I cannot find a way to give us both what we want.”
The side of his mouth quirked up in a rueful smile. “Your fears are natural, Helaine. I have handled this badly.”
She shook her head. “You are a man used to getting what he wants when he wants. I should never have thought otherwise.”
He had been putting her wrap on her shoulders when she spoke, but at her words, she felt him shift. He laid his hands flat on her shoulders and gently turned her around. “So that is my excuse, you think? I am a man and an aristocrat, so I must by definition hurt you? I have no control of it at all?”
“You didn’t tonight,” she said, her chin lifting as she challenged him. “Your every intention was to charm me, to pleasure me, to make this a night when everything was perfect. And yet I will leave here more unsettled, more afraid, and more uncertain than ever before.”
He grimaced. “I will not reveal your identity, Helaine. To anyone. I swear it!”
“And what is my forfeit when you do?”
He threw up his hands. “What do you want?”
“A livelihood, my lord. Promise that if you ruin me, then you will give me the means to start anew.”
He nodded. “Done.”
She searched his eyes, reading his intention in every line of his body. He meant what he said, and he was generally believed to be a man who honored his debts. She felt her breath ease out in relief. She no longer feared total disaster. If he destroyed her, he would do what he could to make amends. It wasn’t much, she reminded herself. A dozen things could change between now and then. A passionate promise today could mean nothing at all tomorrow. But it was the most reassurance she could have right at the moment.
“Thank you,” she said. Then there was no more time. The innkeeper returned to say the carriage was ready.
She left then, her gaze lingering as long as possible on his face. She wanted to memorize the texture and the colors to hold close to her at night. Perhaps she would damn him someday, but for tonight, she simply felt a longing for what could have been. If only things were very different, they could have had something wonderful
