sympathetic. His work, at first, went well enough.
After his abortive attempt to raise the subject before the investigating board, Keith confided to no one — not even to Natalie — the fact of his washroom loitering that fateful day. Yet the secret knowledge was seldom far from the forefront of his mind.
At home, Natalie was understanding and, as always, loving. She sensed that Keith had undergone a traumatic shock from which he would need time to recover, and she attempted to meet his moods — to talk or be animated when he felt like it, to stay silent when he did not. In quiet, private sessions Natalie explained to the boys, Brian and Theo, why they, too, should show consideration for their father.
In an abstracted way, Keith understood and appreciated what Natalie was trying to do. Her method might eventually have succeeded, except for one thing — an air traffic controller needed sleep. Keith was getting little sleep and, some nights, none.
On the occasions he did sleep, he had a persistent dream in which the scene in the Washington Center control room, moments before the midair collision, was re-created … the merging pinpoints of light on the radarscope … Keith’s last desperate message … the screams; the voice of little Valerie Redfern …
Sometimes the dream had variations. When Keith tried to move toward the radarscope to seize George Wallace’s radio headset and transmit a warning, Keith’s limbs resisted, and would change position only with frustrating slowness, as if the air surrounding them were heavy sludge. His mind warned frantically: If he could only move freely, the tragedy could be averted … . Although his body strained and fought, he always reached his goal too late. At other times he attained the headset, but his voice would fail. He knew that if he could articulate words, a warning would suffice, the situation could be saved. His mind would race, his lungs and larynx strain, but no sound came.
But even with variations, the dream always ended the same way — with the Beech Bonanza’s last radio transmission as he heard it so many times during the inquiry, on the played-back tape. And afterward, with Natalie asleep beside him, he would lie awake, thinking, remembering, longing for the impossible — to change the shape of things past. Later still, he would resist sleep, fighting for wakefulness, so he would not endure the torture of the dream again.
It was then that in the loneliness of night, his conscience would remind him of the stolen, wasted minutes in the route center washroom; crucial minutes when he could have returned to duty, and should have done, but through idleness and self-concern had failed to do so. Keith knew — as others did not — that the real responsibility for the Redfern tragedy was his own, not Perry Yount’s. Perry had been a circumstantial sacrifice, a technical victim. Perry had been Keith’s friend, had trusted Keith that day to be conscientious, to come back to the control room as quickly as he could. Yet Keith, though knowing his friend was standing double duty, aware of the extra pressures on him, had been twice as long as he needed to be, and had let Perry down; so in the end, Perry Yount stood accused and convicted in Keith’s place.
Perry for Keith — a sacrificial goat.
But Perry, though grievously wronged, was still alive. The Redfern family was dead. Dead because Keith doodled mentally, dallying in the sunshine, leaving a semi-experienced trainee too long with responsibilities which were rightly Keith’s, and for which Keith was better qualified. There could be no question that had he returned sooner, he would have spotted the intruding T-33 long before it neared the Redferns’ plane. The proof was that he
Around and around … over and over in the night … as if committed to a treadmill … Keith’s mind labored on, self-torturing, sick with grief, recrimination. Eventually he would sleep from exhaustion, usually to dream, and to awake again.
In daytime, as well as night, the memory of the Redferns persisted. Irving Redfern, his wife, their children — though Keith had never known them — haunted him. The presence of Keith’s own children, Brian and Theo — alive and well — appeared a personal reproach. Keith’s own living, breathing, seemed to him an accusation.
The effect of sleepless nights, the mental turmoil, showed quickly in his work. His reactions were slow, decisions hesitant. A couple of times, under pressure, Keith “lost the picture” and had to be helped. Afterward he realized he had been under close surveillance. His superiors knew from experience what might happen, had half- expected some such signs of strain.
Informal, friendly talks followed, in upper-level offices, which achieved nothing. Later, on a suggestion from Washington, and with Keith’s consent, he was transferred from the East Coast to the Midwest — to Lincoln International for control tower duty. A change of locale, it was believed, would prove therapeutic. Officialdom, with a touch of humanity, was also aware that Keith’s older brother, Mel, was general manager at Lincoln; perhaps Mel Bakersfeld’s influence would be steadying too. Natalie, though loving Maryland, made the transition without complaint.
The idea hadn’t worked.
Keith’s sense of guilt persisted; so did the nightmares, which grew, and took on other patterns, though always the basic one remained. He slept only with the aid of barbiturates prescribed by a physician friend of Mel’s.
Mel understood part of his brother’s problem, but not all; Keith still kept the secret knowledge of his washroom dawdling at Leesburg solely to himself. Later, watching Keith’s deterioration, Mel urged him to seek psychiatric help, but Keith refused. His reasoning was simple. Why should he seek some panacea, some ritualistic mumbo-jumbo to insulate his guilt, when the guilt was real, when nothing in heaven or earth or clinical psychiatry could ever change it?
Keith’s dejection deepened until even Natalie’s resilient nature rebelled against his moods. Though aware that he slept badly, Natalie had no knowledge of his dreams. One day she inquired in anger and impatience, “Are we supposed to wear hair shirts for the rest of our lives? Are we never to have fun again, to laugh the way we used to? If you intend to go on this way, you’d better understand one thing — I don’t, and I won’t let Brian and Theo grow up around this kind of misery either.”
When Keith hadn’t answered, Natalie went on, “I’ve told you before: our lives, our marriage, the children, are more important than your work. If you can’t take that kind of work anymore — and why should you if it’s that demanding? — then give it up now, get something else. I know what you always tell me: the money’ll be less; you’d throw away your pension. But that isn’t everything; we’d manage somehow. I’ll take all the hardship you can give me, Keith Bakersfeld, and maybe I’d complain a little, but not much, because anything would be better than the way we are right now.” She had been close to tears, but managed to finish. “I’m warning you I can’t take much more. If you’re going on like this, it may have to be alone.”
It was the only time Natalie had hinted at the possibility of their marriage breaking up. It was also the first time Keith considered suicide.
Later, his idea hardened to resolve.
The door of the darkened locker room opened. A switch snapped on. Keith was back again in the control tower at Lincoln International, blinking in the overhead light’s glare.
Another tower controller, taking his own work break, was coming in. Keith put away his untouched sandwiches, closed his locker, and walked back toward the radar room. The other man glanced at him curiously. Neither spoke.
Keith wondered if the crisis involving the Air Force KC-135, which had had radio failure, had ended yet. Chances were, it had; that the aircraft and its crew had landed safely. He hoped so. He hoped that something good, for someone, would survive this night.
As he went in, he touched the O’Hagan Inn key in his pocket to be sure, once again, that it was there. He would need it soon.
4
It was almost an hour since Tanya Livingston had left Mel Bakersfeld in the central lobby of the main
