The Web

Propping himself up.

'No, that's not all of it. I sent her away because of the guilt.'

'About Jacqui?'

'And the others. Many others. I did serve as my own abortionist. Barbara had never been a happy woman. I made her miserable.'

He sank back down again.

'The bastard was right, I was a repugnant lecher. Lecher with surgical training… but Jacqui refused to terminate… Barbara's death made me realize… how could I hope to raise a daughter?'

'And you already had kids.'

He closed his eyes. 'I put the needle in their arms… my life since then's been a quest for redemption, but I doubt I'm redeemable… Jacqui was such a beautiful thing. Barely eighteen, but mature. I was always… hungry- not that it's an excuse, but Barbara was… a lady. She had… different drives.'

A woman alone on the sand, the day before she died.

'It was the baby that drove her to it,' he said. 'The fact that I'd actually let it get that far.'

'How did she find out?'

'Someone told her.'

'Hoffman?'

'Had to be. He and Barbara were chums- bridge partners. A younger man paying her attention.'

'So Barbara went along with his cheating.'

He smiled. 'I suppose she can be forgiven that tiny revenge.'

'Did their playing go beyond bridge?'

'I truly don't know- anything's possible. But as I said, Barbara wasn't inclined to the physical… toward the end, she hated me fiercely. And she always liked him-found his interest in cuisine and tailoring charming.'

'Then why did he tell her about Jacqui? '

'To wound me. After our dinner at the base, we spoke of several things. Including the fact that he'd seen Barbara in Honolulu the day before she died. He took the picture I showed you. I'd never known. It was mailed from her hotel, compliments of the manager; I'd always thought it a courtesy.'

'Did she go to Honolulu to be with him?'

'He claimed not, that their running into each other was a coincidence. At the hotel bar, he was there on Navy business. Maybe it's true, Barbara did like to drink… he told her about Jacqui and Dennis, she cried on his shoulder about my whore and my little bastard. Shattered, was his exact word. Then he smiled- that smile.'

'But how did he find out?'

'Back in those days, I was less than discreet- discretion wasn't part of being a first-rate cocksman. So Hoffman or a member of his staff could easily have heard something, or even seen something. There was an empty hangar on the north end of the base. Little unused offices we officers used, to be with girls from the village. 'Play rooms' we called them. Mattresses and liquor and portable radios for mood music. We still thought of ourselves as war heroes, entitled.'

'Did Hoffman bring girls there?'

'Not that I saw. His only lust is for power.'

'And when Jacqui gave birth to a fair-haired baby he figured it out.'

'A beautiful baby- a beautiful woman.'

'Was it only Aruk you fell in love with, Bill?'

He smiled. 'Jacqui and I- she's a very strong woman. Independent. Over the years we've reached an understanding. A fine friendship. I believe it's been good for both of us.'

Thinking of the oil over the mantel, I said, 'Strong- unlike your wife. Did Barbara have a history of depression?'

He nodded. 'She'd been chronically depressed for years, taken shock treatment several times. In fact, the trip to Hawaii was for her to consult yet another psychiatrist. But she never showed up for her appointment. Probably spent her time drinking with Hoffman instead. He sensed her vulnerability, told her what I'd done, and the next morning she walked into the ocean.'

Some of his weight shifted onto the wounded arm and his breath caught. I helped him find a comfortable position.

'So you see, that's the hold he has over me: keeping it secret from Pam. I killed her mother and so did he. In that sense we are partners. Rams locking horns, just as you said. Beautiful analogy, my friend- are you offended by my thinking of you as a friend?'

'No, Bill.'

'All these years, I've yearned to expose him. Convinced myself the reason I haven't done it is the kids' safety. Then, tonight, you began asking questions and I was forced to confront reality. I acquiesced because I knew it would ruin Pam. I sent her away because I was overwhelmed and guilty, but also because I didn't want her here on the chance that she and Dennis… so what happens? She comes back. And it starts…' He grabbed my arm and held tight. 'What do I do? There's no escape.'

'Tell her.'

'How can I?'

'In due time you'll be able to.'

'Men have mistreated her because I abandoned her! She'll despise me!'

'Give her some credit, Bill. She loves you, wants to get closer to you. Being unable to is the biggest source of her pain.'

He covered his face. 'It never ends, does it?'

'She loves you,' I repeated. 'Once she realizes the good things you've done, gets to really know you, she may be willing to pay the price.'

'The price,' he said weakly. 'Everything has its price… the microeconomics of existence.'

He looked up at me. 'Is there anything else you need to know?'

'Not unless there's something else you want to tell me.'

Long silence. The eyes closed. His lips moved.

Incoherent mumbles.

'What's that, Bill?'

'Terrible things,' he said, barely louder. 'Time deceives.'

'You've made mistakes,' I said, 'but you've also done good.' Ever the shrink.

His face contorted and I took his cold, limp hand.

'Bill?'

'Terrible things,' he repeated.

Then he did sleep.

39

It was a big beautiful room in a big beautiful hotel. One glass wall looked out to white beach and furious surf. Yesterday, I'd seen dolphins leaping.

The three walls were koa panels so densely figured they seemed to tell a story. Crystal chandeliers hung above black granite floors. Up in front was a banquet table laden with papayas and mangoes, bananas and grapes, and thick, wet wedges of the kind of orange-yellow, honey-sweet pineapple you get only when you harvest it ripe.

Sterling silver coffeepots were set every six feet, their shine blue-white.

Other tables, too, round, seating ten, interspersed around the hall. Hundreds of men and a few women, eating and drinking coffee, and listening.

Robin and I watched it on TV, from a suite upstairs. Room service and suntan lotion and every newspaper and