biggest—”
“Stop calling me ‘Ackley kid,’ God damn it. I’m old enough to be your lousy father.”
“No, you’re not.” Boy, he could really be aggravating sometimes. He never missed a chance to let you know you were sixteen and he was eighteen. “In the first place, I wouldn’t let you in my goddam family,” I said.
“Well, just cut out calling me—”
All of a sudden the door opened, and old Stradlater barged in, in a big hurry. He was always in a big hurry. Everything was a very big deal. He came over to me and gave me these two playful as hell slaps on both cheeks — which is something that can be very annoying. “Listen,” he said. “You going out anywheres special tonight?”
“I don’t know. I might. What the hell’s it doing out — snowing?” He had snow all over his coat.
“Yeah. Listen. If you’re not going out anyplace special, how ’bout lending me your hound’s-tooth jacket?”
“Who won the game?” I said.
“It’s only the half. We’re leaving,” Stradlater said. “No kidding, you gonna use your hound’s-tooth tonight or not? I spilled some crap all over my gray flannel.”
“No, but I don’t want you stretching it with your goddam shoulders and all,” I said. We were practically the same height, but he weighed about twice as much as I did. He had these very broad shoulders.
“I won’t stretch it.” He went over to the closet in a big hurry. “How’sa boy, Ackley?” he said to Ackley. He was at least a pretty friendly guy, Stradlater. It was partly a phony kind of friendly, but at least he always said hello to Ackley and all.
Ackley just sort of grunted when he said “How’sa boy?” He wouldn’t answer him, but he didn’t have guts enough not to at least grunt. Then he said to me, “I think I’ll get going. See ya later.”
“Okay,” I said. He never exactly broke your heart when he went back to his own room.
Old Stradlater started taking off his coat and tie and all. “I think maybe I’ll take a fast shave,” he said. He had a pretty heavy beard. He really did.
“Where’s your date?” I asked him.
“She’s waiting in the Annex.” He went out of the room with his toilet kit and towel under his arm. No shirt on or anything. He always walked around in his bare torso because he thought he had a damn good build. He did, too. I have to admit it.
4
I didn’t have anything special to do, so I went down to the can and chewed the rag with him while he was shaving. We were the only ones in the can, because everybody was still down at the game. It was hot as hell and the windows were all steamy. There were about ten washbowls, all right against the wall. Stradlater had the middle one. I sat down on the one right next to him and started turning the cold water on and off — this nervous habit I have. Stradlater kept whistling “Song of India” while he shaved. He had one of those very piercing whistles that are practically never in tune, and he always picked out some song that’s hard to whistle even if you’re a good whistler, like “Song of India” or “Slaughter on Tenth Avenue.” He could really mess a song up.
You remember I said before that Ackley was a slob in his personal habits? Well, so was Stradlater, but in a different way. Stradlater was more of a secret slob. He always looked all right, Stradlater, but for instance, you should’ve seen the razor he shaved himself with. It was always rusty as hell and full of lather and hairs and crap. He never cleaned it or anything. He always looked good when he was finished fixing himself up, but he was a secret slob anyway, if you knew him the way I did. The reason he fixed himself up to look good was because he was madly in love with himself. He thought he was the handsomest guy in the Western Hemisphere. He was pretty handsome, too — I’ll admit it. But he was mostly the kind of a handsome guy that if your parents saw his picture in your Year Book, they’d right away say, “Who’s this boy?” I mean he was mostly a Year Book kind of handsome guy. I knew a lot of guys at Pencey I thought were a lot handsomer than Stradlater, but they wouldn’t look handsome if you saw their pictures in the Year Book. They’d look like they had big noses or their ears stuck out. I’ve had that experience frequently.
Anyway, I was sitting on the washbowl next to where Stradlater was shaving, sort of turning the water on and off. I still had my red hunting hat on, with the peak around to the back and all. I really got a bang out of that hat.
“Hey,” Stradlater said. “Wanna do me a big favor?”
“What?” I said. Not too enthusiastic. He was always asking you to do him a big favor. You take a very handsome guy, or a guy that thinks he’s a real hot-shot, and they’re always asking you to do them a big favor. Just because they’re crazy about themself, they think you’re crazy about them, too, and that you’re just dying to do them a favor. It’s sort of funny, in a way.
“You goin’ out tonight?” he said.
“I might. I might not. I don’t know. Why?”
“I got about a hundred pages to read for history for Monday,” he said. “How ’bout writing a composition for me, for English? I’ll be up the creek if I don’t get the goddam thing in by Monday, the reason I ask. How ’bout it?”
It was very ironical. It really was.
“I’m the one that’s flunking out of the goddam place, and you’re asking me to write you a goddam composition,” I said.
“Yeah, I know. The thing is, though, I’ll be up the creek if I don’t get it in. Be a buddy. Be a buddyroo. Okay?”
I didn’t answer him right away. Suspense is good for some bastards like Stradlater.
“What on?” I said.
“Anything. Anything descriptive. A room. Or a house. Or something you once lived in or something — you know. Just as long as it’s descriptive as hell.” He gave out a big yawn while he said that. Which is something that gives me a royal pain in the ass. I mean if somebody yawns right while they’re asking you to do them a goddam favor. “Just don’t do it too good, is all,” he said. “That sonuvabitch Hartzell thinks you’re a hot-shot in English, and he knows you’re my roommate. So I mean don’t stick all the commas and stuff in the right place.”
That’s something else that gives me a royal pain. I mean if you’re good at writing compositions and somebody starts talking about commas. Stradlater was always doing that. He wanted you to think that the only reason he was lousy at writing compositions was because he stuck all the commas in the wrong place. He was a little bit like Ackley, that way. I once sat next to Ackley at this basketball game. We had a terrific guy on the team, Howie Coyle, that could sink them from the middle of the floor, without even touching the backboard or anything. Ackley kept saying, the whole goddam game, that Coyle had a perfect build for basketball. God, how I hate that stuff.
I got bored sitting on that washbowl after a while, so I backed up a few feet and started doing this tap dance, just for the hell of it. I was just amusing myself. I can’t really tap-dance or anything, but it was a stone floor in the can, and it was good for tap-dancing. I started imitating one of those guys in the movies. In one of those musicals. I hate the movies like poison, but I get a bang imitating them. Old Stradlater watched me in the mirror while he was shaving. All I need’s an audience. I’m an exhibitionist. “I’m the goddam Governor’s son,” I said. I was knocking myself out. Tap-dancing all over the place. “He doesn’t want me to be a tap dancer. He wants me to go to Oxford. But it’s in my goddam blood, tap-dancing.” Old Stradlater laughed. He didn’t have too bad a sense of humor. “It’s the opening night of the Ziegfeld Follies.” I was getting out of breath. I have hardly any wind at all. “The leading man can’t go on. He’s drunk as a bastard. So who do they get to take his place? Me, that’s who. The little ole goddam Governor’s son.”
“Where’dja get that hat?” Stradlater said. He meant my hunting hat. He’d never seen it before.
I was out of breath anyway, so I quit horsing around. I took off my hat and looked at it for about the ninetieth time. “I got it in New York this morning. For a buck. Ya like it?”
Stradlater nodded. “Sharp,” he said. He was only flattering me, though, because right away he said, “Listen. Are ya gonna write that composition for me? I have to know.”
“If I get the time, I will. If I don’t, I won’t,” I said. I went over and sat down at the washbowl next to him
