stairs and were arranged in a line at the footlights by the beaming host.
'Ladies and gentlemen and whatever,' he said. 'Here are the final runners-up. In 9th place, Amindabelia!' An Imper woman burst into tears as a page brought her a bouquet of flowers. '8th place belongs to Zmmmissa!' I saw the snake-woman's tail sag with disappointment as she, too, received an armload of flowers. She retired to the back of the stage with the Imp. Seventh, 6th, 5th and 4th were all named, and still Bunny stood at the front, beaming and waving at the audience. Had she surpassed all odds and won? I had my fingers and my toes crossed for luck.
'Third place, Moleynoo!' The host turned toward the Gnome woman with a silver loving-cup in hand, but she was nowhere in sight. Not a race to stick around when things hadn't gone their way, Moleynoo must have dimension-hopped as soon as she heard her name. Now there was a gap in the row of gracious losers. The host handed the third-place cup back to the page. 'Oh, well, folks! Second place ... this was a hard fought battle, folks ...' Bunny, the Deveel, and the Pervect leaned toward him. The host grinned. '... second place belongs to Devora!'
If looks could kill, the Deveel would have dropped dead, burning like a bonfire. Devora accepted her second-place award and stepped back. Now there were only two contestants. Bunny's shoulders were so tight above the band of her strapless gown my dragon could have alit upon them without making her bend. The Pervect leaned forward avidly.
'Now, before I name our first place winner,' the host said. 'I want to give our compensation award. This goes to the contestant who scored the lowest overall, but has still been a beam of sunshine and brightened our days here on Trofi. The award for Miss Congeniality goes to ... Bunny!'
Bunny's hands rose, trembling, then covered her face as she burst into tears. The Pervect strode to the center of the stage, clasping both hands over her head for victory.
The host trailed her, talking into his padded stick. 'Yes, that means the winner of this year's beauty pageant is ... Oshleen! Congratulations, dear lady!'
Oshleen was surrounded by pages. One draped a huge blue ribbon banner from the Pervect's skinny shoulder to the opposite hip. One threw a white fur cloak over her shoulders, another tied the ribbons in front. Yet another trio came toward her with a huge bouquet of red thorn-roses, a scepter with a gleaming jewel in it, and a glittering tiara that Oshleen had to duck down slightly to have placed upon her scaly green head. The pages led her out on the catwalk to take a victory lap out into the audience, who continued to applaud loudly.
'Yes, there she is, your queen of love! Oshleen!'
The Pervect returned to the center of the stage, and the Deveel took her hand and Bunny's.
Well, that was that.
'Now, we have a special presentation to make. You all know about our grand prize. The great and powerful Bub Tube!' He pointed to the plinth above the judges' table. 'Now, there are always a few irregularities in a contest of this size. There are many rules, and many of them are broken by accident, but in other cases, they are openly defied to gain an unfair advantage. To be blunt, contestants cheat. We know that you, the audience, would feel it was wrong to give our grand prize to someone who skirted the regulations under which our contest was run. The judges have been keeping a running tally of tricks and subterfuge, magikal and otherwise, and subtracted these totals from the overall scores. They have come up with a winner. They are unanimous on this decision. It is not Oshleen.'
'What?' the Pervect bellowed, trying unsuccessfully to free her hand. The Deveel must have had a pure heart because his strength was as the strength of ten. She stayed where she was, as if bound there.
'Yes, indeed,' the Deveel continued, smoothly. 'And so, for cheating less than any of the other contestants, the citizens of Trofi are pleased to award the Bub Tube to Bunny! Take a bow, Bunny!'
Startled, Bunny lurched forward a pace, and offered a deep curtsy to the audience, then another one to the judges. By the time she stood fully upright the truth had dawned on her at last. She began beaming.
The pillar sank into the floor until the Bub Tube was within arm's reach of the stage. The Pervect stretched out a hand to take it, but the Deveel beat her to it. He snatched it off the plinth and, with a deep bow, handed it to Bunny. 'Congratulations, you lovely lady! Would you like to say a few words?'
The truth had also dawned upon her fellow contestants. The last-place loser was getting the prize! Outrageous! In a mass, they started to move in on Bunny.
No one was paying attention to me. I dashed back to her dressing room, snatched up the D-hopper, and shoved my way through the crowd. I would never make it before they would be on her in a mob.
'Bunny!' I shouted, hoping to be heard. 'Catch!'
She looked up at the sound of my voice, and held up a hand just in time to catch the short baton. Then I was knocked off my feet by the rush of furious women. I'd never make it to her. Dropping to my hands and knees, I crawled back through the sea of threshing legs to her dressing room and locked the door behind me. The cubicle was too small to lie down, but I huddled against the wall to nurse my bruises.
Unperturbed by the chaos going on around him, the Deveel host put his arm around Oshleen and began to sing. 'There she is! / How beautiful! / Your queen of love! / How magikal! / How beautiful and magickal! / Your queen of love she is.'
I scrabbled backward as a body appeared in the middle of the small space. It was Bunny, clutching both the D-hopper and the Bub Tube.
'Hurry,' she said. 'They're tearing the place apart.'
'You don't have to tell me twice,' I said, springing to my feet and putting my hand on her arm so the spell would carry both of us out of Trofi for good. In a moment I felt the wrenching sensation that accompanied any trip by D-hopper.
'Whew!' I said, as I looked around at familiar surroundings. We were back at the inn, with my string of laundry drying across an open window, dirty dishes on the table, Gleep and Buttercup bearing down on us as if we were the last sausages at a picnic. I staved off my dragon's slimy tongue, but I was smiling. 'This is the most beautiful thing I've seen in three days—present company excepted, of course.'
'Thank you for helping me,' Bunny said, giving me a big kiss on the cheek. 'Uncle Bruce is going to be so pleased to get the Bub Tube. You saved my life.'
'Well, you saved mine just now,' I pointed out, enjoying the sensation. 'A favor for a favor. Let's call it even. What are friends for?'
'You haven't gotten off scot-free,' she said, with a coy smile. 'You’ll have to listen to my acceptance speech.'
'Sure,' I agreed, stretching gratefully in a chair front of the fireplace in the old inn's kitchen, and pouring myself one—just one—well deserved cup of wine. 'Just one thing: what's a scot?'
M.Y.T.H. INC. INSTRUCTIONS
By Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye
First down the long white aisle came the flower girls, ten of them dressed in green organza tossing handfuls of petals into the air. I got a faceful of their perfume and sneezed. That expression caused me to bare my teeth involuntarily, causing an equally involuntary back step by the six people standing nearest to me in the great hall of Possiltum Palace. I never expect Klahds to really appreciate Pervect teeth like mine.
I tugged at the tight collar of the formal tunic I'd let Massha talk me into wearing. If she hadn't become such a valued associate of mine and Skeeve's, I would tactfully have arranged to be elsewhere on this, her special day of days. But if you are smart you will never say 'no' to a woman about to get married, unless you're planning on finishing the sentence with 'of
The horde of little girls was succeeded by a host of little boys dressed up like pages. Every one of them looked like I felt I know Massha has a somewhat garish color sense, but I'd have done a little better for these kids than coral-and-pink striped satin breeches and caps, and bright aqua tunics. All around me I could see optic nerves
