It was terrible, it made me feel sick and trembling, I wished I was on the other side of the world. It was worse than with the prostitute; I didn’t respect her, but with Miranda I knew I couldn’t stand the shame.
We stood there, she was just in front of me shaking her hair loose and I felt more and more ashamed. The next thing was she came up and began to take off my coat, then it was my tie, and she undid my shirt buttons one after the other. I was like putty in her hands. Then she started pulling my shirt out.
I kept thinking, stop it, stop it, it’s wrong, but I was too weak. The next thing was I was naked and she was against me and holding me but I was all tense, it was like a different me and a different she. I know I wasn’t normal then, not doing the expected, she did some things which I won’t say except that I would never have thought it of her. She lay beside me on the sofa and everything, but I was all twisted inside.
She made me look a proper fool. I knew what she was thinking, she was thinking this was why I was always so re-spectful. I wanted to do it, I wanted to show her I could do it so I could prove I was really respectful. I wanted her to see I could do it, then I would tell her I wasn’t going to, it was below me, and below her, it was disgusting.
Well, we lay for some time still and I felt she was despising me, I was a freak.
In the end she got up off the sofa and kneeled beside me and stroked my head.
“It happens to lots of men, it doesn’t matter.” You’d think she had all the experience in the world to have heard her.
She went back by the fire and put her housecoat on and sat there watching me. I got my clothes on. I told her I knew I could never do it. I made up a long story so that she would pity me, it was all lies, I don’t know if she believed it; about how I could feel love but could never do it. How that was why I had to keep her.
“But doesn’t it please you at all to touch me? You seemed to like kissing me.”
I said, it was when it got past the kissing.
“I shouldn’t have given you such a shock.”
It’s not your fault, I said. I’m not like other people. Nobody understands.
“I understand.”
I dream about it, I said. It can’t ever be real.
“Like Tantalus.” She explained who he was.
She was quiet a long time. I felt like giving her the pad. Getting her downstairs and out of it. I wanted to be right alone.
“What kind of doctor told you you could never do it?”
Just a doctor. (It was the lies I told her. I never saw any doctor, of course.)
“A psychiatrist?”
In the army, I said. A psychiatrist.
“What sort of dreams did you have about me?”
All sorts.
“No sexy ones?”
She would go on like that. Never leave it alone.
I’d be holding you, I said. That’s all. We would be sleeping side by side with the wind and the rain outside or something.
“Would you like to try that now?”
It wouldn’t do any good.
“I’ll do it if you want to.”
I don’t want to, I said.
I wish you never started, I said.
She was silent, it seemed ages.
“Why do you think I did it? Just to escape?”
Not love, I said.
“Shall I tell you?” She stood up. “You must realize that I’ve sacrificed all my principles tonight. Oh, yes, to escape. I was thinking of that. But I
I saw her game, of course. She was very artful at wrapping up what she meant in a lot of words. Making you feel you really did owe her something, just like she never started it all in the first place.
“Please say something.”
What, I said.
“That you do at least understand what I’ve just said.”
I understand.
“Is that all?”
I don’t feel like talking, I said.
“You could have told me. You could have stopped me at the very beginning.”
I tried, I said.
She knelt in front of the fire.
“It’s fantastic. We’re further apart than ever.”
I said, you hated me before. Now I suppose you despise me as well.
“I pity you. I pity you for what you are and I pity you for not seeing what I am.”
I can see what you are, I said. Don’t you think I can’t.
I sounded sharp, I’d had enough. She looked round quick, then bent down, her hands covering her face. I think she was pretending to cry a bit. Well in the end she said in a very quiet voice, “Please take me down.”
So down we went. She turned when she was inside and I was going to go, having removed her cords.
“We’ve been naked in front of each other,” she said. “We
I was like mad when I got out. I can’t explain. I didn’t sleep the whole night. It kept on coming back, me standing and lying there with no clothes on, the way I acted and what she must think. I could just see her laughing at me down there. Every time I thought about it, it was like my whole body went red. I didn’t want the night to end. I wanted it to stay dark for ever.
I walked about upstairs for hours. In the end I got the van out and drove down to the sea, real fast, I didn’t care what happened.
I could have done anything. I could have killed her. All I did later was because of that night.
It was almost like she was stupid, plain stupid. Of course she wasn’t really, it was just that she didn’t see how to love me in the right way. There were a lot of ways she could have pleased me.
She was like all women, she had a one-track mind.
I never respected her again. It left me angry for days.
Because I could do it.
The photographs (the day I gave her the pad), I used to look at them sometimes. I could take my time with them. They didn’t talk back at me.
That was what she never knew.
Well, I went down the next morning, and it was like it never happened. She didn’t say a word about it, nor did I. I got her breakfast, she said she didn’t want anything in Lewes, she went out in the cellar to walk a bit, and then I locked her back in and went off. Actually I had a sleep.
That evening it was different.
“I want to talk to you.”
Yes, I said.
“I’ve tried everything. There’s only one thing left for me to try. I’m going to fast again. I shan’t eat until you let me go.”
Thanks for the warning, I said.
“Unless . . .”
Oh, so there’s an unless, I said.
