My Jane Austen Summer: A Season in Mansfield Park

'Willis,' I whispered, 'how long must we know each other?'

He looked at me, surprised. A single green plastic chair sat vacant in the garden. St. Francis stood frozen in concrete, watching naked birds bathe. I'd gone too far. Backtrack, I told myself. Think of something. But I couldn't stand it anymore. I refused to spend another day imprisoned in the attic.

'You're not working today?' he said, choosing to ignore my question and push past the awkwardness.

'No,' I said.

Willis hesitated while a bird hopped on one pediment and then another.

'I'm hungry.' I frowned at him.

'So am I.' He frowned back.

'And I'm going down to get a cookie,' I said. 'If you don't come with me, I'm going back to my room. You'll starve up here by yourself.' He said nothing but followed me down the folding ladder, past his desk, and down the attic stairs to the second floor landing where anything could emerge from the closed doors without notice. We descended the stairs leading to civilization, although, being Monday, Newton Priors was deserted. As a precaution, we tiptoed down the last steps, passed the front door where tourists got in, and the Freezer where Magda fired people. Willis was still with me when we passed the ballroom where adaptations of her prose daily tortured My Jane Austen, and the butler pantry where Mrs. Russell played footsie with Stephen Jervis. I pulled Willis into the music room and shut the door.

'This,' I whispered, 'is where the volunteers hide the tea cookies.' As I bent to open a cupboard, Willis turned away. When I looked up, he stood at the door with a hand on the knob. 'Oh, don't go,' I said, disappointed, extending a hand offering a cookie, 'I haven't played my song for you.'

Willis turned the bolt. Then, without looking at me, he walked purposefully to the other door and turned its bolt, as if he were in charge of festival security. Willis took the cookie from my hand and laid it on a low table. His face bore a hint of shy amusement I'd never seen before, as if he acknowledged the force of resistance he'd put up for so many weeks as well as the act of removing that obstacle between us. Part of me wanted to shake him and demand an explanation for his arbitrary behavior. But that impulse was overcome by the wonder of a breakthrough and the idea of exploring mysterious new territory.

He straightened to look at me. 'I'm starving, too,' he said, a slight tremor in the word too.

The eye contact, the step toward me, and the hand reaching out offered tangible signs that I hadn't been delusional all those days in the attic. I had been waiting for this. My affection was returned. Willis felt what I felt: the anticipation of receiving intimacy. Never had being me granted such possibility of joy, a room such comfort, a person such completion. Not just because of his appealing physical chemistry and his subtle, intelligent manner, but the way he thought about things; his seriousness of purpose. As Willis kissed me, I experienced the sensation of falling into the right place. No other place existed. He walked me to the ratty sofa, my arms around his neck, and we fell on it together. But then Willis hesitated, raising himself on his elbow and looking into my face. He gently touched my hair as his eyes formed a question, utter fulfillment of The Look. He would not use words, nor would he proceed lightly.

'Yes,' I said. 'Yes, yes, yes.' I pulled him to me, trusting him with my happiness; ready for what would come next because I believed whatever happened with him would be good and carry the same meaning for him that it carried for me. As we lay together I experienced the kind of happiness I never believed would be mine—not complete enough to be chosen for this. The cosmos fit together perfectly, everything related to something else and everything belonged, especially me. I felt utterly connected, a part of the deep unknowable universe.

'You are lovely.' He kissed me.

We lay together for a long while, my head on his shoulder, listening to his pulse, smelling his sweat, feeling the hair on his skin, and I kept moving; every new touch or slight shift of position satisfied a craving to get closer and renew the sensation of his physical presence. He brushed the hair out of my eyes and ran his hand lightly over my back and down my thigh. And I remember thinking he was more wonderful than a really good book, or music.

'Oh,' I said. 'My song.' I rose, and went to the old record player. I pulled the vinyl LP from its sleeve and loaded it onto the turntable.

'You're well made,' he said, watching me from the sofa.

The first fluttery notes of a harpsichord played. 'I think of you when I hear this song,' I said. I lay back down and Willis covered me with his shirt.

'Bach,' he said.

I closed my eyes to listen but opened them again, needing to see Willis, the damp hair on his brow, the clothes on the floor, curling shreds of wallpaper in the upper reaches. Willis held me while the music played and I memorized all the details, although it was hard to concentrate, worried that anything that made me feel this good would surely not happen again.

'I can't resist you, Lily,' he said.

'Thank God for that.' I kissed him as if he were mine.

Thirteen

Willis was gone. When I climbed the attic stairs the next day, excited to resume our relationship under its new M.O., hoping to discuss the lease problem like a couple, he wasn't there. He should have told me he was leaving. Why would Willis disappear without an explanation after what had happened between us? Where was he? I'd never experienced such excruciating loneliness. In my head, Miss Clavel said, Something is not right, but in my heart, I cherished the hope that he'd gone to London to break up with the Someone Else.

I sat at my desk, staring at the pad on which I'd written the heading, 'Business Plan for Dummies.' Vera said we needed to accelerate our strategy since Magda had supposedly received a letter of interest from her funding source at Michigan. Vera proposed visiting Lady Weston in the hospital on Friday. But the Consummation in the Music Room had transformed me into a total blissful wreck, taking my daydreams to a new level. So far, I could generate only the words 'Mrs. Willis Somerford' in lovely copperplate, especially swirling the W and scrolling the S. My Jane Austen doodled on her list of heroes as if she didn't know what to do with herself.

I couldn't bear my loneliness. I put my pen down in preparation for another run to the attic when a plump mother and three toddlers with runny noses toddled into my office, followed by Omar.

'Here we go,' a ghastly, frightened Omar pushed the last baby body through my door and closed it behind them. The six of us looked at each other. 'Where's Vera?' Omar asked as if a gun were pointed at his temple.

'In the ballroom,' I said, 'policing the script. Did you take the slavery lines out like Nigel told you?' I asked, hiding my 'Business Plan for Dummies' beneath my other list: ideas for new tea-theatre entertainment—a one- woman show, The Lost Letters of Jane Austen.

'No,' he said.

'Why not?' I asked. The woman snagged the arm of a child headed for the door.

'I'm scared of Magda,' Omar said. 'She has the original script; she refuses to use it.' Omar pulled a chair up for the woman to sit. 'Let's make this our base for now,' Omar said, but she remained standing. 'Do you have any, um, crayons?' Omar asked me, clearly resorting to his last idea, staring as if I should know what was killing him. The mother smiled, oblivious.

'Crayons?' I had colored markers but they were the permanent kind. Instead, I extended my hand to the plump woman. 'Hello,' I said. 'I'm Lily Berry.'

She returned the smile and gave me her hand. 'I'm Sheila Porter,' she said. 'Archie's wife.'

The situation focused. This would delay my next trip to the attic.

'Triplets?' I asked her, smiling at the three busy babes tangled in her legs.

Sheila's eyes sparkled as she shifted the very large diaper bag on her shoulder. 'No,' she answered, touching the shoulder of the tallest boy, 'twins and a big brother.'

Upon closer inspection, the age difference was obvious. 'How can you tell them apart?' I asked, stalling for