It’s Saturday morning, and I’m sitting in the office, checking my bank statement on my laptop. I only discovered online banking a couple of months ago — and it has so many advantages. You can do it any time of day! Plus, they don’t send bank statements out by post, so no one (e.g., your husband) can see them lying around the house.
“Becky, I’ve had a letter from my mother.” Luke comes in, holding the post and a mug of coffee. “She sends her regards.”
“Your mother?” I try to hide my horror. “You mean Elinor? What does she want?”
Luke has two mothers. His lovely, warm stepmother, Annabel, who lives in Devon with his dad and who we visited last month. And his ice-queen of a real mother, Elinor, who lives in America and abandoned him when he was little and in my opinion should be excommunicated.
“She’s touring Europe with her art collection.”
“Why?” I ask blankly. I have a vision of Elinor in a coach, a bundle of paintings under her arm. It doesn’t seem very her, somehow.
“The collection is currently on loan to the Uffizi, then a gallery in Paris—” Luke breaks off. “Becky, you didn’t think I meant she was taking her pictures on holiday.”
“Of course not,” I say with dignity. “I knew exactly what you meant.”
“Anyway, she’ll be in London later on in the year and wants to meet up.”
“Luke…I thought you hated your mother. I thought you never wanted to see her again, remember?”
“Come on, Becky.” Luke frowns slightly. “She’s going to be the grandmother of our child. We can’t shut her out completely.”
Yes we can! I want to retort. But instead, I give an unwilling kind of half shrug. I suppose he’s right. The baby will be her only grandchild. It’ll have her blood in it.
Oh God, what if it takes after Elinor? I’m stricken by a terrible vision of a baby lying in a pram in a cream Chanel suit, glaring up at me and saying, “Your outfit is shoddy, Mother.”
“So, what are you up to?” Luke breaks into my thoughts, and too late I realize he’s heading across the room toward me. Right toward my laptop.
“Nothing!” I say quickly. “It’s just my bank statement….” I try to close the window I’m on, but it’s frozen. Damn.
“Something wrong?” says Luke.
“No!” I say, panicking slightly. “I mean…I’ll just shut the whole thing down!” I casually rip the power cord out of the back — but the screen is still powered up. The statement is there, in black and white.
And Luke’s getting nearer. I’m really not sure I want him seeing this.
“Let me have a go.” Luke reaches my chair. “Are you on the bank’s Web site?”
“Er…kind of! Honestly, I wouldn’t bother….” I position my bump in front of the screen, but Luke is peering round me. He stares at the statement for a few disbelieving moments.
“Becky,” he says at last. “Does that say ‘First Cooperative Bank of Namibia’?”
“Er…yes.” I try to sound matter-of-fact. “I have a small online account there.”
“In Namibia?”
“They sent me an e-mail offering me very competitive rates,” I say a little defiantly. “It was a great opportunity.”
“Do you respond to every e-mail you get, Becky?” Luke turns, incredulous. “Do you have a fine selection of Viagra substitutes too?”
I knew he wouldn’t understand my brilliant new banking strategy.
“Don’t get so stressy!” I say. “Why is it such a big deal where I bank? Commerce has gone global, you know, Luke. The old boundaries are gone. If you can get a good rate in Bangladesh, then—”
“Bangladesh?”
“Oh. Well…er…I’ve got a bank account there too. Just a tiny one,” I add quickly, looking at his expression.
“Becky…” Luke seems to be having trouble taking all this in. “How many of these online bank accounts have you opened?”
“Three,” I say after a pause. “About three.”
He gives me a hard look. The trouble with husbands is, they get to know you too well.
“OK then, fifteen,” I say in a rush.
“And how many overdrafts?”
“Fifteen. What?” I add defensively. “What’s the point of having a bank account if you don’t have an overdraft?”
“Fifteen overdrafts?” Luke clutches his head in disbelief. “Becky…you are third world debt.”
“I’m playing the global economy to my advantage!” I retort. “The Bank of Chad gave me a fifty-dollar bonus just for joining!”
Luke’s so blinkered. So what if I have fifteen bank accounts? Everyone knows you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket.
“You seem to forget, Luke,” I add in lofty tones, “I am a former financial journalist. I know all about money and investment. The bigger the risk, the bigger the profit, I think you’ll find.”
Luke doesn’t look too impressed. “I’m aware of the principles of investment, thank you, Becky,” he says politely.
“Well, then.” I suddenly have a thought. “We should invest the baby’s trust fund in Bangladesh too. We’d probably make a fortune!”
“Are you crazy?” He stares at me.
“Why not? It’s an emerging market!”
“I don’t think so.” Luke rolls his eyes. “In fact, I’ve already spoken to Kenneth about the baby’s fund, and we’ve agreed to invest it in a range of secure unit trusts—”
“Wait a minute!” I raise a hand. “What do you mean, you’ve spoken to Kenneth? What about my opinion?”
I can’t believe they haven’t even consulted me! Like I don’t count. Like I didn’t used to be a financial expert on television and get hundreds of letters a week asking for advice.
“Look, Becky.” Luke sighs. “Kenneth is very happy to recommend suitable investments. You don’t need to worry.”
“That’s not the point!” I say indignantly. “Luke, you don’t understand. We’re going to be parents. We need to make all important decisions together. Otherwise our child will run around hitting us and we’ll end up hiding in the bedroom and never have sex again!”
“What?”
“It’s true! It’s on Supernanny!”
Luke looks totally baffled. He really should watch more TV.
“All right, fine,” he says at last. “We can decide things together. But I’m not putting the baby’s trust fund in some high-risk emerging market.”
“Well, I’m not putting it in some stodgy old bank account where it doesn’t make any profit!” I retaliate.
“Stalemate.” Luke’s mouth twitches. “So…what does Supernanny recommend when parents have fundamentally differing approaches to trust fund investment?”
“I’m not sure she’s covered it,” I admit. Then a sudden brain wave hits me. “I know. We’ll split up the money. You invest half and I’ll invest half. And we’ll see who does best.” I can’t resist adding, “I bet it’s me.”
“Oh, I see.” Luke raises his eyebrows. “So…this is a challenge, is it, Mrs. Brandon?”
“He who dares wins,” I say nonchalantly, and Luke starts to laugh.
“OK. Let’s do this. Half each, to be invested in anything we choose.”
“You’re on,” I say, holding out my hand. We shake gravely, as the phone starts ringing.
“I’ll get it,” Luke says, and heads over to his desk. “Hello? Oh, hi there. How are you?”
I am so going to win this! I’ll pick loads of brilliant investments and make the baby an absolute mint. Maybe I’ll invest in futures. Or gold. Or…art! I just need to find the next Damien Hirst and buy a pickled cow or whatever, and then auction it for a huge profit at Sotheby’s, and everyone will say how farsighted and genius I was….
“Really?” Luke is saying. “No, she never mentioned it. Well, thanks.” He puts down the phone and turns to
