loved you as much as I did in that room. When you made that incredible sacrifice for me, without even a moment’s hesitation.”
“What? Oh, the wedding! Yes.” I compose my features hastily. “Yes, well. It was quite a lot to ask of me. And um… speaking of… weddings…”
I almost can’t bring myself to say it. I feel as though I’m trying to balance the last card on top of the pyramid. I have to get it exactly right.
“How would you feel about getting married in… Oxshott?”
“Oxshott. Perfect.” Luke closes his eyes and leans back on his seat, looking exhausted.
I’m numb with disbelief. It’s all fallen into place. The miracle is complete.
As we drive down Fifth Avenue I look out of the window of the cab, suddenly taking in the world outside. Noticing for the first time that it’s summer. That it’s a beautiful sunshiny day. That Saks has a new window display of swimwear. Little things I haven’t been able to see, let alone appreciate, because I’ve been so preoccupied, so stressed.
I feel as though I’ve been walking around with a heavy weight on my back for such a long time, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to walk upright. But at last the burden is lifted, and I can cautiously stand up and stretch, and start to enjoy myself. The months of nightmaresville are over. Finally, I can sleep easy.
Nineteen
EXCEPT I DON’T.
In fact, I don’t sleep at all.
Long after Luke’s crashed out, I’m staring at the ceiling, feeling uncomfortable. There’s something wrong here. I’m just not quite sure what.
On the surface, everything’s perfect. Elinor is out of Luke’s life for good. We can get married at home. I don’t have to worry about Robyn. I don’t have to worry about anything. It’s like a great big bowling ball has arrived in my life and knocked down all the bad ninepins in one fell swoop, leaving only good ones behind.
We had a lovely celebration supper, and cracked open a bottle of champagne, and toasted the rest of Luke’s life, and the wedding, and each other. Then we started talking about where we should go on our honeymoon, and I made a strong case for Bali and Luke said Moscow and we had one of those laughing, almost hysterical arguments you have when you’re high on exhilaration and relief. It was a wonderful, happy evening. I should be completely content.
But now that I’m in bed and my mind’s settled down, things keep niggling at me. The way Luke looked tonight. Almost too exhilarated. Too bright-eyed. The way we both kept laughing, as though we didn’t dare stop.
And other things. The way Elinor looked when we left. The conversation I had with Annabel, all those months ago.
I should feel triumphant. I should feel vindicated. But… somehow this doesn’t feel right.
At last, at about three in the morning, I slide out of bed, go into the living room, and dial Suze’s number.
“Hi, Bex!” she says in surprise. “What time is it there?” I can hear the tinny sound of British breakfast television on in the background, and little gurgles from Ernie. “God, I’m sorry I gave you a hard time yesterday. I’ve been feeling really bad ever since—”
“It’s OK. Honestly, I’ve forgotten all about it.” I huddle on the floorboards, pulling my dressing gown tightly around me. “Listen, Suze. Luke had a huge bust-up with his mum today. He’s pulled out of the Plaza wedding. We can get married in Oxshott after all.”
“What?” Suze’s voice explodes down the line. “That’s incredible! That’s fantastic! Bex, I’ve been so worried! I honestly didn’t know what you were going to do. You must be dancing on the ceiling! You must be—”
“I am. Kind of.”
Suze comes to a breathless halt. “What do you mean, kind of?”
“I know everything’s worked out. I know it’s all fantastic.” I wind my dressing gown cord tightly round my finger. “But somehow… it doesn’t feel fantastic.”
“What do you mean?” I can hear Suze turning the volume down. “Bex, what’s wrong?”
“I feel bad,” I say in a rush. “I feel like… I’ve won but I don’t want to have won. I mean, OK, I’ve got everything I wanted. Luke’s had it out with Elinor, he’s going to pay off the wedding planner, we can have the wedding at home… On the one hand it’s great. But on the other hand—”
“What other hand?” says Suze. “There isn’t another hand!”
“There is. At least… I think there is.” I start to nibble my thumbnail distractedly. “Suze, I’m worried about Luke. He really attacked his mother. And now he says he’s never going to talk to her again…”
“So what? Isn’t that a good thing?”
“I don’t know. Is it?” I stare at the floor for a few moments. “He’s all euphoric at the moment. But what if he starts feeling guilty? What if this screws him up just as badly in the future? You know, Annabel, his stepmum, once said if I tried to chop Elinor out of Luke’s life it would damage him.”
“But you didn’t chop her out of his life,” points out Suze. “He did.”
“Well, maybe he’s damaged himself. Maybe it’s like… he’s chopped his own arm off or something.”
“Err, gross!”
“And now there’s this huge wound, which nobody can see, and it’ll fester away, and one day it’ll erupt again…”
“Bex! Stop it! I’m eating my breakfast.”
“OK, sorry. I’m just worried about him. He’s not right. And the other thing is…” I close my eyes, almost unable to believe I’m about to say this. “I’ve kind of… changed my mind about Elinor.”
“You what?” screeches Suze. “Bex, please don’t say things like that! I nearly dropped Ernie on the floor!”
“I don’t like her or anything,” I say hastily. “But we had this talk. And I do think maybe she loves Luke. In her own weird, icebox Vulcan way.”
“But she abandoned him!”
“I know. But she regrets it.”
“Well, so what! She bloody well ought to regret it!”
“Suze, I just think… maybe she deserves another chance.” I gaze at my fingertip, which is slowly turning blue. “I mean… look at me. I’ve done millions of stupid, thoughtless things. I’ve let people down. But they’ve always given me another chance.”
“Bex, you’re nothing like bloody Elinor! You’d never leave your child!”
“I’m not saying I’m like her! I’m just saying…” I tail away feebly, letting the dressing gown cord unravel.
I don’t really know what I’m saying. And I don’t think Suze will ever quite understand where I’m coming from. She’s never made any mistakes in her life. She’s always cruised through easily, never upsetting anyone, never getting herself in trouble. But I haven’t. I know what it feels like to do something stupid — or worse than stupid — and then wish, above anything else, that I hadn’t.
“So what does all this mean? Why are you—” Suze’s voice sharpens in alarm. “Hang on. Bex, this isn’t your way of saying you’re going to get married in New York after all, is it?”
“It’s not as simple as that,” I say after a pause.
“Bex… I’ll kill you. I really will. If you tell me now that you want to get married in New York—”
“Suze, I don’t want to get married in New York. Of course I don’t! But if we abandon the wedding now… then that’ll be it. Elinor’ll never speak to either of us again. Ever.”
“I don’t believe it. I just don’t believe it! You’re going to fuck everything up again, aren’t you?”
“Suze—”
“Just as everything is all right! Just as for once in your life, you aren’t in a complete mess and I can start to
